the force

Right now in my life…I am ALL ABOUT THE FUCKING TRUTH — and this is just ONE of my truths.

Despite using birth control, I became unexpectedly pregnant when I was 19. On the earliest date that the procedure could be safely and effectively done, I had an abortion — and I have never for one moment regretted it. And do you know why? Because in MY spiritual belief system — which, believe it or not, could best be described as ol’ Ben Kenobi’s The Force — I don’t just have MERE FAITH that every life force in the universe is powerful, interconnected, and eternal…I KNOW IT.

In every cell in my goddamned body.

In my goddamned body that is made of starstuff.

As are we all.

And I know like I know like I know like I know that that same life force that tried to make its way into this world through me when I was 19 didn’t just go away, never to return. It came back again when the time was right. I know that that life force is one of the three precious babies I have the privilege of mothering this time through — or even my BELOVED poochie, Pearl. Believe me when I tell you..it would take FAR more than a simple medical procedure to keep those souls from mine — a simple medical procedure that should be available to EVERY WOMAN, EVERYWHERE, should she ever need it.

Life is eternal. Love is eternal. Nothing ever goes away. EVER.

May It be with you. Always.

About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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2 Responses to the force

  1. cleverbroad says:

    I, too, had an abortion, but I was 30 and had been using some form of birth control since before I ever even had sex for the first time (ever prepared and in control!). I was living in New York, transferred there by my company, away from any family and close friends. My mother flew out to go with me, though I can’t say that she was really any emotional support. It was one of the hardest, and worst, things I’ve ever had to do, but I had to do it; it was the right decision for me and my future.

    October 14th will mark 24 years since that loss, and it is a bittersweet memory, but I have two beautiful children now, 16 and 12, both conceived through artificial insemination, both wanted desperately.

  2. muffybolding says:

    Thank you for telling your story, my darling. It means SO much for me to hear it. It is through us older broads telling OUR TRUTHS, that those who come after us will be able to tell theirs. Congratulations on your two precious babies. Life is a gorgeous, complicated, messy, mischievous, marvelous, mysterious thing, isn’t it? xoxo

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