Author Archives: muffybolding

About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.

when she was 9

That purse and matching Rerun pom-pom knit hat and scarf — which were birthday gifts from my DARLING father — WERE MY ENTIRE LIFE. Also, I would gladly skip-kick the wall plug outta my own mother’s life support system to … Continue reading

Posted in categories can suck my dick | 2 Comments

oh, christmas tree!

Can I just say how both amusing and satisfying it is and how DEEPLY it makes me smile when I walk into the homes of devout Christians…and see a HUGE tree set up in their living room, one which they … Continue reading

Posted in categories can suck my dick | 1 Comment

dough

People seem to be infinitely curious about this mysterious writing partner with whom I spin my words and spend my days, as I am frequently asked who he is and what he is like. This always makes me smile to … Continue reading

Posted in categories can suck my dick | Leave a comment

orange

Unbelievably enough (considering that I have BEAT THE FATASS OF THAT BASTARD SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM and am only 27, myself) , my three beautiful babies are 27, 23, and 20…and every single Thanksgiving since their births, they have had this orange … Continue reading

Posted in categories can suck my dick | 1 Comment

altadena represent

GORGEOUS, NOBLE, MAJESTIC, Big Pink Vagina Mountain that watches over me and my little family like a sentinel…keeping us safe. Always. #noshitnofilter #scattermynattyfattieashesinaltadena

Posted in categories can suck my dick | Leave a comment

zion

I post this poem tonight for our great friends — Jamie Hebert and Alec Mapa — and their BEAUTIFUL, MAGICAL, LOVING, BELOVED son, Zion Hebert-Mapa…who is ADORED and CHERISHED by a vast network of proud, honorary Aunties and Uncles, myself … Continue reading

Posted in categories can suck my dick | Leave a comment

my will be done

To all those whom it may concern — I have contacted my attorney and added a new ironclad codicil to my last will and testament…with regards to My Framily. These are my wishes: After Gregory and my three babies get their … Continue reading

Posted in categories can suck my dick | Leave a comment

strictly horseshit

Inane Asshole Muff COMPLETELY True Fact #694: I actually had to clutch my pearls, close my eyes, take a deep breath, wipe my tears, light candles, and pray to St. Judy and St. Liza for strength and guidance — so that … Continue reading

Posted in categories can suck my dick | Leave a comment

truth

Posted in categories can suck my dick | Leave a comment

mole

Inane Muff Fact #719: When I was little, I used to watch The Waltons every Thursday night without fail. I was OBSESSED. But, regardless of what dire, Depression-era tragedy happened to be unfolding on Walton’s Mountain on any given week, … Continue reading

Posted in categories can suck my dick | Leave a comment