Fuck your Eames coat rack.

Fuck your Barcelona chair.

Fuck your ornamental vintage typewriter.

Fuck your bookshelf with the books arranged by color.

And, lastly, to all precious, pretentious, predictable pricks everywhere?

FUCK YOU.

Yes. Of course. Because I am just the sort of dame you’d describe as being dispassionate and dowdy.

You see, I ALWAYS wear white, 100% cotton granny panties and have done so for pretty much my entire adult life. Call me prudish and Victorian (I DOUBLE-DOG DARE YOU), but for me, underwear are strictly utilitarian garments, meant to provide proper hygiene and absolute comfort under my clothing — and that is precisely what mine do. I personally got WAY BETTER THINGS to think about/create/dream/fight for/support/be concerned with/be distracted by than whether or not my unmentionables are flossing my crack, paralyzing my thigh, humidifying my muff, or turning some poor bastard on or off. They provide me with consistent bodily comfort and a well-aerated undercarriage — because, as you all well know, if Mama’s Bagine ain’t happy, ain’t NOBODY happy. In other words, they work. Swimmingly.

Styles may come and go, gunts, titties, poundage, and fortunes may rise and fall, but through it all I shall continue to proudly strut about town wearing my grannies. I consider their effortlessness and carefree wearin’ as a boost to my ability to focus, write, and RULE. And though it might seem silly to some, I also consider my very fervent choice to be unfettered — as opposed to being FETTERED LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER — as not only a personal fashion choice, but perhaps even a feminist fashion choice, as well.

So, in the profound spirit of The Sisterhood, my message to she who thinks girls in grannies have given up:

FUCK OFF, LADY.

OBAMA, 2012

Herr Schneider, Old Hooker, Older Hooker, and a BEAUTIFUL LITTLE BABY NAMED ‘BABY”!

And on that delightful note…this I guarantee you: RICK SANTORUM CANNOT FUCK.

And further, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and unequivocally state that if you are a Republican, YOU CAN’T FUCK*. It is a mathematical certainty. You just can’t. There is an ebb and flow to this life…a beat, a rhythm. We are born to it. Conservative Republicans can’t dance because they can’t feel that beat or that rhythm, and that’s because hate, intolerance, and certainly Fundamentalist Christianity cut you off from feeling it — and everybody knows that if you can’t dance, you can’t fuck. It’s as simple as that, Mein Poppets. Those beliefs neuter you. They castrate your connection to The Great Throbbing Pulsing Disco Beat that is this universe and is this life — the single, infinite beat that ties us all one to the other. When you live your life steeped in hatred, you are deaf to that beat and its enticing call. You don’t get to feel it move through you, bringing alive every cell in your being, calling you to join in The Dance. And it’s not just that you won’t dance — it’s that you can’t.

Now Obama? For however disappointed I am with his presidency thus far — oh, and trust me, I AM — there is one thing that cannot be denied:

That guy can FLAT FUCK.

*With the exception of my old friend, DeWayne Link. Now THAT OL’ BOY CAN FUCK.

One of my writer friends recently put out a call on Facebook asking for the names of creative geniuses, historical and/or contemporary, I am guessing for a project she is working on. People chimed in with all manner of suggestions — some DEAD-ON and some positively inexplicable. It made me stop and consider what the oft-used (and misused) word, “genius” really means. What exactly is a “genius”?

For me, a genius is someone who takes my breath away with their natural talent — who takes the top of my fucking head off with their brilliance. Someone who comes into this world already brandishing that unknowable, unnameable IT. Someone whose lustre and illumination CANNOT BE DENIED.

True genius is a rare commodity, and to encounter it is an exhilarating experience. How does one recognize genius? As was once said by Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart (about pornography): …”It’s difficult to define…BUT I KNOW IT WHEN I SEE IT.”

And I do.

After pondering the concept for a bit, here is a list of some of those humans I believe to be, or have been, not only extraordinary…but actually FUCKING GENIUS:

Anne Sexton

Charlie Parker

Truman Capote

Madeline Kahn

Doug Kenney

Mel Brooks

Michael Jackson

Meryl Streep

Charlie Chaplin

Elsa Schiaparelli

Richard Pryor

Geoffrey Chaucer

Bill Murray

Muhammad Ali

Mary Blair

David Foster Wallace

Judy Garland

As for me, though I have known countless brilliant creatives in my life — in fact, I am blissfully surrounded by them at all times — I have only personally known one whom I consider to be an actual creative genius…and of this, there is NO QUESTION:

Jackie Beat

Day 1 — Pride. Seven awesome things about yourself:

1) I’m a HUGE belly laugher – and I can and do belly laugh at ANYTHING…even tragedy and horror. In fact, belly laughing is how I survive tragedy and horror.

2) I possess an absolutely inhuman ability to improvise, adapt, and overcome. I am like a ruthless, belly laughing cockroach in a black dress and red lipstick.

3) I can keep secrets like a motherfucker. LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.

4) To those who are worthy of my devotion, I AM LOYAL TO THE DEATH.

5) I am an uncanny judge of character. Give me just five minutes — and I GOTCHA.

6) If you are my friend, I can absolutely guarantee that you will never, ever, ever experience any drama with me. When it comes to relationships, I am COMPLETELY drama-free. I like it like BUTTAH.

7) I fuck on the first date.

We need to get back to the ways of my Sicilian grandmothers: Squat and push it out it in the vineyard, strap it to your chest, pop your nipple in its mouth, love it with all your heart…AND GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT, BITCHES.

She beamed that amazing Baby Goat smile at me and said, “I already know that, Mommy — because you taught me.”

At 20 years of age, this delightful little creature already gets what it took me a goddamned lifetime to learn. She TOTALLY gets it.

If I dropped dead right this second…I would do so knowing that my life was an utter success.