name your pattern!

I was thinking about the following mindless, superficial, conspicuously consumerical topic last night as I was dropping off to asleep:

Back when I was a young newlywed (ummm, fuck you…the first time I was a newlywed), I worked as The Bridal Registrar at Gottschalk’s, an aspiringly upscale department store in Fresno, California. It was at that time that my complete and utter obsession with dishes began — and it continues to this day.

While there, I made it my personal bidness to know and memorize the name of every gottdamned china pattern known to humankind. I also made it my personal bidness to talk newly-engaged Armenian Princesses out of registering for 18 place-settings of hideous, trendy, NO-talent, 80s, faux-Asian, pastel-lily-bedecked, black-rimmed, Mikasa horseshit dishes. I told ’em, “Honey, you are gonna have these dishes forever (or at least until you get divorced in two years) so, for the love of christ, DON’T FUCK THIS UP.”

This relentless obsession has never left me; I am still in love with dishes.

So, yes — here is yet another fabulous way in which I have not yet poked and prodded you dames into revealing something about yourselves and your lives. You do realize that I am obsessed with all of you, as well, correct?

So…come on along — and let’s play…

Name Your Pattern!

I’ll start: Franciscan Ware: Desert Rose and Fiesta Ware

About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.

View all posts by muffybolding →