The Reach

Remember when I told you that I ordered one of those spit-in-the-tube DNA tests — and, at that time, predicted that I would, WITH ABSOLUTE MATHEMATICAL CERTAINTY, break their goddamned DNA machine because my pipples like to fuck…ALOT…of different pipples…ALOT?
 
Yeah.
 
Seeing these mongreloid results, that shit is SURELY BROKE AS A JOKE.
 
Here, at long last, is what makes up a Muff:
 
Italian/Greek (Sicilian)
Iberian/Basque (Spanish)
East Asian (Chinese)
Polynesian (Filipino)
Middle Eastern (Most likely Syrian, Lebanese, Turkish, or Iraqi)
Native American (Metseecan)
Ashkenazi Jew
Standard American Whore
 
So, what this means is that all that Family Mythology I have heard both whispered and boasted all these many years about a witchy, fair-skinned, blue-eyed, titian-haired Great-Great-Grandmother from Ireland, and a Great-Great-Grandfather who was a proper, respectable shipping merchant from England, was exactly this:
 
COMPLETE FRESNO FANTASY BROWN-SHAME HORSESHIT.
 
But, here’s the thing…if you ask any of your friends of color, they will absolutely have their own family stories of legend and lore that can be attributed to what I refer to as “THE GREAT WHITE REACH” — be it a rumored fair-skinned, red-haired Great-Great Aunt from Ireland over the sea, or the shock waves of both envy and admiration when a new baby is born anywhere into the family with blue, green, or grey eyes…or light hair or “good” hair. You have to remember, this ain’t just frivolous shit. In a profoundly racist and xenophobic culture like our own, assimilating, fitting in, or even outright passing may have meant the difference between success or failure, safety or peril, and sometimes even life or death, itself.
 
Trust me, “The Great White Reach” is VERY REAL.
 
STILL.
 
However, as much as my poor, dark, squat, stocky, scandalous, prolific, peasant-stock pipples wish it were so…Honey, we ain’t white FOR SHIT.
 
However, instead of feeling personally disappointed at this revelation, I FUCKIN’ LOVE IT.
 
The truth is, I have always known that I come from MUD PEOPLE, Man — carnies, hookers, pirates, scoundrels, skalliwags, and gangster’s molls. In fact, I can guarantee you that that surprise Middle Eastern component comes by way of my Sicilian blood, being that Sicily has been conquered, occupied, pillaged, and plundered countless times by various empires over the millennia, which is why I always smirk and refer to this particular ancient island seat of my lusty kin thusly:
 
Sicily: The Whorehouse of Europe.
 
But, with all these relatively relative revelations revealed, the one true Great-Great family tale I CAN definitively tell you is this:
 
Late one balmy island night in the Philippine Islands, in a fit of jealous rage, my Filipino Great-Great-Grandfather…hacked my Filipino Great-Great-Grandmother to death with a machete before turning it on himself.
 
Yeah.
 
You wanna know where I come from?
 
That, Mein Poppets, is where I come from.
 
Oh, and this dapper, young fellow barely out of his teens is my Maternal Grandfather, Gaudencio Gascon Viloria — who spent his entire professional life either sitting at the high roller tables in downtown Las Vegas…or busing tables at The (now long-closed) Eagle Cafe in downtown Fresno. There is no in-between for my family. Ever.
 
We may be completely out of our minds, goddamnit, but we know how to FUCKING LIVE.
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About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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