“Ten Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Me” Meme

10) I am unable to watch a period film (Old West, Medieval, Biblical, etc.) without being completely pre-occupied with and frequently commenting on the unimagineable bodily hygiene of those involved. After a recent viewing of “The Bridge on the River Kwai”, my husband was actually forced to pause the film and loudly implore, “Honey, please…ENOUGH with the dirty pussy/nasty ass talk!”

9) So far, I appear to be biologically incapable of loneliness, envy, or boredom.

8) In 1988, my husband recorded Nirvana for one of the songs which was released on their recent boxed set. We had the original tape in our closet for years — reverently stuck between my old thriftstore purses and his telescope.

7) My grandmothers and great-grandmothers on all sides, for several generations back, were all named Mary — except for the lone two named Margaret and Josephine.

6) My husband and I have every intention of moving our family to Europe in the next few years.

5) If my husband were co-starring in a film with Angelina Jolie…I would give the bastard a “get out of jail free card” right up front. No fucking around — just get right to it, goddamnit. Christ, if I were co-starring in a film with Angelie Jolie, I’D WANT TO FUCK HER.

4) I cannot eat persimmons because they taste and smell EXACTLY LIKE LOAD.

3) I think people who have more than three children in this day and age are out of their motherfucking minds. Having three children today is like having six children back when we were kids. I have three and I am completely goddamned nuts. My younger sister has five…and she tells me that every moment of every day is like living on her own special level of hell; homegirl hasn’t taken a dump alone in almost 15 years.

2) I meticulously keep every receipt I get — not because I am some uber-bookkeeper (exactly the opposite, in fact), but because you never know when you might need to produce a dated alibi. My husband, who was raised in the privileged upper-middle class as the child of academics, thinks I am crazy for my reasoning…while I consider my actions to be perfectly reasonable and logical. What I explain to him is that these safeguards are most certainly the vestiges of a working class upbringing where you never knew when you might have to cover your ass with the law.

1) Sometime in the next few months, Mama’s getting breast reduction surgery. Good-bye QuadrupleD’s…Hello Small Small B’s, motherfucker. Good-bye Iron Maidenform…Hello Never Wearing a Cocksucking Bra Again As Long As My Fatass Shall Live.