What’s your favorite…

wine: Jesus christ, I fucking LOATHE wine — and the entire phony, horseshit wine culture. Aside from my intense cultural annoyance, it also gives me a raging skullache within minutes of ingestion. I piss on wine.

beer: I like Guinness.

other beverage: I like me some really good Ethiopian coffee…as well as some ice cold, old school cherry Kool-aid drunk straight from a pastel Tupperware pitcher right in front of the fridge.

hot drink: See above.

fruit: Ice cold watermelon on a hot Summer day. Also, the mystical, magical mandarins off the three trees at my old house in Fresno. I used to use bags of them to bewitch people to the point that they could think of NOTHING else after tasting them…and would sometimes call me at 3 am asking if they could come and pick some more.

vegetable: Steamed Chinese broccoli with a brace of hoisin sauce generously drizzled on top. YUM!

cheese: My husband and I are cheese freaks and are planning to take a trip through Europe tasting cheese as others would sample those bastard wines. Ask me again upon my return!

nut: Andy Kaufman.

ethnic food: Mediterranean, Afghani, or Ethiopian.

fast food: Taco Bell (I would GLADLY eat TB and nothing else for the rest of my life if I had to) and In n’ Out (protein style with onions, no special sauce, add mustard.)

pizza: Pepperoni, mushrooms, olives, and onions from Alexander’s Pizza. It’s TOTALLY like genuine East Coast ‘za, except served up a few blocks from the beach in Sunny SoCal. I was overjoyed when I discovered it.

main dish: Anything hot and cheesy, motherfuckers…lasagna and enchiladas in particular.

salad: A nice spring mix, tomatoes, green onions, beets, artichoke hearts, heart of palm, a little cottage cheese, some crumbled Danish bleu, and balsamic viniagrette. I’m eating this EXACT salad even as we speak!

soup: Soups really are my favorite food group, so it’s rather difficult for me to narrow it down…but if I must, I would have to say the potato leek at our local English pub.

snack food: Pop-fucking-corn.

cookie: The still-warm snickerdoodle on my aqua-colored melamine school lunch tray in second grade.

pie: Aside from a slab o’ pumpkin on Thanksgiving (a MUST!), I am not that big on pie. So, I shall answer a really good New York cheesecake.

ice cream: Hands down — Ben and Jerry’s “Cherry Garcia.” Just thinking about it gives me a woody.