The following is a list of all those things in my life for which I am thankful — followed by a list of those things for which I am not. Darkness and light, baby. As that satanic priest said in “The Omen”…”For everything holy, there is something unholy. This is the essence of temptation.” And speaking of The Temptations…I need to add the song “Bernadette” to my list. Oh, wait…that was The Four Tops. Oh, whatever — they both fucking rule.

Happy Thanksgiving to all those whom I adore.

Things for which I am thankful:

Carmex
Hoisin sauce
Dresses and skirts
My chartreuse umbrella
Really good cocoa butter
Ducky Dale
Drag queens
Wagner played at mindnumbing decibels
“Spinners” on wheelchairs
Lavender essential oil in cold weather, Tangerine in warm
Quiet
Platinum jewelry
“Dear Prudence”
1000 threadcount bed linens
Lance Henriksen
Hot water bottles when it’s cold
1967
The Jackals
Joan Miro
Gregory
The Chateau Marmont
Witch hands
My Pixie haircut
TiVo
Gomez Addams
Liddle Kiddles
Taiko drums
Rosemary’s Baby
Zoe Oldenbourg
The Babies
In ‘N Out burgers
Peter Bogdanovich
The Breeders
“To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything…Julie Newmar”
Teenagers
Arts and Crafts/Mission style cherry wood furniture
Baby corn
England
Red corduroy
Red beads
Red glass
Red pens
Red lentils
Lee Krasner’s Bangs (the name of my new band)
The word “stampede”
Dangly earrings
Antiques Roadshow
Tupperware
Church bells
Casinos
The sweet viniagrette smell of baby feet
Making movies
Watching movies
Discussing movies
Reading about movies
Dreaming about movies
Neshobe Island
Mary Poppins
My darling ex-husband, Dennis
Violets
Zines
Cosmos
Charm bracelets
James Spader
The smell of napalm in the morning
Ol’ school Sailor Jerry tattoos
Sandra Bernhard
My working class roots
My son’s buttcheeks
Trees
Comfy schmatas
Left-handed men
Cherry cheesecake
Wabi
Old school MTV
The original black and white art from Alice in Wonderland
Hearty, sturdy luggage
Soup
Kabuki
The Godfather
The Dakota
My lj friends
“Get a Life”
Uncle Butchie
Yearbooks
The Rick Steves Empire
Maggie Atwood
Cheesy British Royal Family collectibles
Crystal Light
Jon Stewart
Thrift store old man cardigans
Belly laughter
The Chronicles of Narnia
My library card
Smushing, with my finger, the little fleshy part right above Gregory’s upper lip
Disneyland
“Bernadette” by The Four Tops
The inner voice of Traci Jean Burns

Things I can’t like:

Rheumatoid Arthritis
All makeup, aside from lipstick (which I LOVE)
Uninteresting people
Fishy-tasting food
Skin eruptions
Vicodin
Musty nuts
Discord of any kind
Tanning beds
Ernest Hemingway
Other people’s dog poop on my lawn
Car trouble
Bounced checks
The name Linda
Born-again Christians
Scuffed white pumps
Gambling
Bickering siblings
Housework (except doing dishes, which I LOVE)
The Dave Matthews Band
Mushroom soup
Skunky beer
Golf
Incarcerated relatives
Easter
Fried foods
Cameltoe
Tawny Kitaen
Paper cuts
Three Dog Night
Teenagers
June bugs
Impressionistic art
Keeping fever/temperature logs
The smell of cat piss in the morning
Frat boys
Dry skin
Drama of any kind
Dirty liars
Hot weather
The Simpsons
Reggae music
The Smurfs
The rubbery mouth of Meg Ryan
Okra
Films based on comic books
Comic books
Wine
Kramer from Seinfeld
Lambchops
Raspberry anything
Nausea
Skanky muff
Scientology
ADD/OCD
Big, slobbery, flouncing dogs
Current MTV
The Black-eyed Peas (goddamn, those motherfuckers are NO-talent)