1: WHAT MADE YOU SMILE YESTERDAY? Making out with my sexy husband in the electronics section at Costco. I’m such a shameless hooker.
2: WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT 8 THIS MORNING? Dreaming of Kurt and turtles.
3: WHAT WERE YOU DOING 15 MINUTES AGO? Filling my hot water bottle with anticipatory glee.
4: SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED TO YOU IN 1995? Won a scholarship award for “Most Outstanding Student: English Department” at Fresno City College. Spent award money at Barnes and Noble, The Palm-Olive Thriftstore (Requiescat In Pace, my old friend), and The Sizzler.
5: LAST THING YOU SAID ALOUD? “Lemme tell you, a Sherpa will kick your motherfucking ass, my friend.”
6: HOW MANY DIFFERENT THINGS DID YOU DRINK TODAY? 2: Coffee and fizzy water.
7: WHERE IS YOUR BEST FRIEND RIGHT NOW? Sweetly sleeping five feet away from me.
8: WHAT COLOR IS YOUR TOOTHBRUSH? Red.
9: LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? Ha! $380 worth of Costco.
10: LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY? This TO DIE FOR charm bracelet.
11: WHAT COLOR IS YOUR FRONT DOOR? Green.
12: WHERE DO YOU KEEP YOUR CHANGE? In a ceramic cicada jar from the south of France.
13: WHAT IS THE WEATHER TODAY? Clement.
14: BEST ICE CREAM FLAVOR? A really grand vanilla.
15: SOMETHING YOU ARE EXCITED ABOUT? The work.
16: LAST RAINBOW YOU SAW? On the license plate frame of a silver Mazda Miata in WestFuckingHollywood, baby.
17: WHAT SIZE SHOE DO YOU WEAR? 6 1/2 when I am not fat, 7 1/2 when I am. So, to answer your question…7 1/2.
18: DO YOU HAVE ANY SISTERS? Umm…five or six. I always forget which and I am far too lazy to tally it up right now. Suffice it say, I got a whole lotta sisters goin’ on.
20: HOW DO YOU WANT TO CUT YOUR HAIR? After a year of suffering, I’ve got my old Dotty Parker bob back again, and I’m as happy as a flapper clam.
21: ARE YOU OVER THE AGE OF 18? Honey, the underwear I have on are over the age of 18.
22: DO YOU TALK A LOT? Oh, christ, who doesn’t after a few cocktails?
23: DO YOU WATCH THE OC? No, but my girlies do, so I occasionally hear all about it from one darling breathless teenager or another. The OC is their stories, goddamnit.
25: DO YOU KNOW ANYONE CALLED STEVE? Only Howard Bannister.
26: DO YOU MAKE UP YOUR OWN WORDS? Oh, god, ALWAYS. “Tell me, did you sail across the sun? Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded? And Van Halen is overrated.”
27: ARE YOU TICKLISH? Only in my heart.
29: NAME A FRIEND WHOSE NAME STARTS WITH THE LETTER “D”: Damien Thorne.
30: NAME A FRIEND WHOSE NAME STARTS WITH AN “A”: Angie Morrill.
31: 4TH PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALLS? My rockstar Rheumatologist.
32: WHAT DID THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECEIVED SAY?: “Hey, Butchie, Sam wants some vicodin. Are you holding?”
33: DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS? Only in my ponytail, saddle shoes, and poodle skirt at Ye Olde Malt Shoppe. You gotta be fuckin’ kidding me with this horseshit question.
34: DO YOU HAVE CURLY HAIR? Only in my dreams.
35: WHAT IS THE NEXT CONCERT YOU’RE GOING TO? I have no idea — but the last concert I went to was the amazing Babs Streisand about two weeks ago. I was positively verklempt from beginning to end.
36: WHO IS THE COOLEST PERSON IN YOUR LIFE? My son.
37: WHAT SAYING DO YOU SAY A LOT? “Fuck off, lady.”
38: WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Melatonin.
39: HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE DONNIE DARKO? God, yes.
40: DO YOU HAVE WORK TOMORROW? I have work everyday.
41: EVER BEEN HUNTING? Yes…and I am a total and complete crackshot. A freak shot. My father used to take me shooting with his posse because they thought it was hysterical that a tiny ten year old girl could handle a firearm with such brazen fearlessness and shoot with such amazing accuracy. I never miss.
42: IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE? As well as in my past. Apparently I am the marryin’ kind.
43: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID “I LOVE YOU” AND MEANT IT? Every single time. I would never say it if I didn’t mean it with all my heart.
44: WHAT SHOULD YOU BE DOING RIGHT NOW? Dreaming of Kurt and turtles.
45: DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME? I have several: Butchie, Mouse, Polly, Slim, Snapper Bruschetta (my stripper name.)
46: DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT? I do.
47: ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER? No. I have babies.
48: LAST TIME YOU USED A SKATEBOARD? I have never used a skateboard.
49: BEST MOVIE YOU’VE SEEN IN THE PAST TWO WEEKS THAT YOU HADN’T SEEN BEFORE? Borat — though I think it was more like three weeks ago. But, fuck off, lady.
50: WHAT KIND OF CELL PHONE DO YOU HAVE? Black to the berry.
51: WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The lulling hum of my true love’s CPAP machine.
52: ARE YOU CURRENTLY DEPRESSED? God, no.
53: WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Satania.
54: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SONG? Wagner’s “Gotterdammerung” from The Ring Series.
54: COOLEST MUSIC VIDEO: The one Gregory and I watched, in our hotel room in France in 2002, about a lonely, pensive polar bear walking through town who ends up sitting on the beach on a grey, blustery day looking wistfully out to sea. There’s not a week that goes by that I don’t think about it.
55: WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW? A Target Schmata Zenyatta Mondatta.
56: CURRENT ANNOYANCE? Britney’s cooter. Goddamn, she needs to sheathe that beast.