1. My just younger sister, Mo, very nearly died this week. Her periods have always been extreme, but I guess this time was the Grandaddy of All Bloodlettings. By the time my brother-in-law got her to her doctor’s office, she was pale, nearly unconscious, freezing cold to the touch, and hemorrhaging. Her doctor took one look at her and called an ambulance. She was taken to the hospital and given a blood transfusion of biblical proportions. After running some tests, it was discovered that her uterus was profoundly enlarged, misshapen, and filled with fibroid tumors. After a rather quick discussion with her doctor — who told her in very gentle but succinct terms that even if she wanted to have another baby (she has three) with the current state of her uterus, she could never carry to term — she was scheduled for an immediate emergency hysterectomy. She came through with flying colors and is back to her fabulous old Type-A self. I talked to her yesterday, and she told me they are releasing her today. I told her, who needs a nasty old uterus, anyway? She sounds like a million bucks. Thank you, baby jesus or whoever is watching over my family right now; thank you.

2. Gregory and I went eyeglass shopping yesterday — which is always a traumatizing experience for me. We went to an extraordinary shop in Pasadena that specializes in vintage frames, and the second we walked in we knew we had hit the ocular motherlode of all time. My current glasses are vintage French bejeweled cat-eyes that are just gorgeous — I’ve had them for forever and love them like you cannot believe, mainly because they look exactly like the glasses my Sicilian Great Grandma used to wear. Gregory, however, wanted me to change it up because he thinks the whole cat-eye thing has been played out and is now the sole domain of 18 year old Silver Lake hipster girls. I, of course, disagreed. If they were good enough for Grandma Mary, goddamnit, they are good enough for me. The subsequent pose appropriation “discussion” we had in front of the guy who owned the place will be forever epic — even in hell. We had him belly laughing and even engaged him in a discussion about poseurs, the timeless style of Jack Kennedy, and the modern archetypes put forth by Joseph Campbell.

Luckily, I found a new (old) pair that are very Peter Sellers — and they fit me like a glove. The best part? While I was trying them on, an adorable 20 year old hipster boy told me that they went perfect with my bob and that I “looked hot in them”! And, as if that wasn’t enough to make my granny panties moist, I discovered the greatest pair of $100+ white vintage sunglasses (think Kurt) — and our boy the owner, who clearly had been highly entertained by our affectionate and vitriolic in-store combat, gave them to me gratis! I, of course, immediately told him I would blow him for the difference — which made him belly laugh even harder. Afterwards, I sashayed Colorado Blvd. in style, motherfuckers — with my darling hubby by my side.

3. Speaking of Colorado Blvd., we are actually toying with the idea of getting our fatasses up on New Year’s Day and venturing out to watch the Rose Parade, which is like 5 seconds from our house. It’s our first new year’s living here, so we have absolutely no idea what to do or what to expect. Has anybody ever been? If so, is it a nightmare or is it ALL-talent? All I can say is that those floats had better be good, gottddamnit, seeing that when I ordered flowers for my suffering sister, who lives up in Fresno, they told me there wasn’t an ivory-colored rose available in the entire state because of the selfish ways of those Rose Parade bastards.

4. For New Year’s Eve, we are planning on staying in, popping popcorn, sipping Newcastle, and partaking of the Entourage marathon on HBO. That show is brilliant and a belly laugher and so perfectly captures the essence of Los Angeles. Jeremy Piven is a GOD.

5. We had Christmas with the beasties on Thursday morning (they got home from The ‘Berg on Wednesday and we made them wait so we could have a virtual Christmas morning re-creation!) and it was fun and wonderful and everybody loved their loot. I got a new red Kitchen-aid blender — beautiful! — two place settings of Fiestaware, Mary Poppins on DVD, gorgeous wooden salad tongs that look like bear paws, some books, a light blue ol’ school UCLA t-shirt, and some really interesting miniature Chinese statuary that is profoundly meaningful to me. And, best of all, I get 4 days in Las Vegas with Gregory next week. I can hardly wait. Let the buffet-hopping and power-schtupping begin!

Off to the farmer’s market with my hot old honey and my hot new sunglasses. More later.