This was written and on-deck before I got the news about my sister — so I figure I may as well post it. Julia was a belly laugher deluxe — as is my entire family — so I am just going to be who I am and go with it…with zero fucking apologies. If you got a problem with it…well, you know the drill: Fuck off, lady.

Question #1

I was born in:

Fresno, California
San Francisco, California
Rochester, New York
Boston, Massachusetts

The answer is Rochester, New York. I was born in Rochester, but raised in Fresno — which I think threw a few of you. My true love, Gregory, was born in Boston. Yes, I like candy when it’s wrapped in a sweater. As for San Francisco, neither of us hails from there, nor have we ever resided there — but I did give him a handjob once in the Castro. Surely that must be worth something to you people.

Question #2

My darling first husband is a:

television producer
city councilman
organic farmer
welder

I think I may not have been as clear on this one as I could’ve been…in that my question is asking what my ex-husband — my first husband — does for a living. He is a welder extraordinaire and owns his own welding shop — as well as being a race car team co-owner. He is a total rock star — and he can fuck.

Question #3

My favorite male poet is:

Robert Lowell
Ted Hughes
TS Eliot
Pablo Neruda

Although this group — plus WS Merwin — comprises all of my most favey fave male poets…it is Edward James Hughes who holds my heart in his brute, brute hands. Every girl likes a boot in the face, after all.

Question #4

If I could live anywhere in the world, it would be:

Paris, France
New York, New York
London, England
Rome, Italy

I am besotted with Paris — completely obsessed — and plan to dash right back the very next chance I get…but it is London that stole my heart when I was but three years old, and has never, ever given it back. I am an anglophile of the highest order and spend much of my free time reading about English history, literature, travel, geography, and culture. If I had the chance, I would move there in a flash and spend the rest of my days amongst the most splendid city that I do love so.

Question #5

My mother’s name is:

Josephine
Katherine
Alexandria
Anastasia

My imperious maternal great-great-grandmother from Northern Spain was Josephine…but my mother is Alexandria.

Question #6

The noise that will send me fleeing from a room is:

fingernails on chalkboard
wailing newborn
styrofoam against styrofoam
someone vomiting

Fingernails on chalkboard does disturb me somewhat — a wailing newborn, however, does not. And you can literally vomit ALL OVER me and I could give a rat’s ass. But if I hear styrofoam rubbing against styrofoam, it bothers me so much that I am aurally disturbed for days. I just can’t shake it. Christmas morning around here is a real goddamned scream.

Question #7

My major in college was:

English Lit
Theatre
Anthropology
Sociology

Actually, as my husband pointed out, anyone who answered English Lit should give themselves an extra score because although I was a rabid and ribald Theatre major the first time out, I later went back as an English Lit/Creative Writing major. Oh, and I wanted to nail my poetry professor so badly I could taste it…he was so choice — but for god’s sake, don’t tell anyone.

Question #8

If I wasn’t a writer and an actor, I would be:

an opera singer
a professor of European History
a union organizer
a politician

Although I am currently sporting just the right body to really take a serious bite outta “Tosca”, I have never had a hankering to sing opera. ‘Tis true that I am very interested in unions and their politics and history, and even though Miss seems to think I would make an exemplary politician…it is a professor of European History that I would wish to be. Sigh. Perhaps next time, my liege.

Question #9

My favorite ride at Disneyland is:

The Haunted Mansion
Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride
Space Mountain
Storybook Canal Boats

Love, love, love them all – but in the end, the Storybook Canal Boats are what float my…storybook canal boat. So enchanting! Miniatures take my breath away! I have often said that if I ever get to participate in one of those “Dream Job For a Day” doo-dads, I am requesting to work as a tour girl on this ride — complete with pea coat, prim liederhosen jumper, white knee socks, and pilgrim shoes with big ass brass buckles. And you have known since DNA that my fatass would take a flying leap off that boat and over that murky water just so I could drape my body prostrate at the base of Cinderella’s castle or over the many gabled roof of noble Toad Hall, keening and weeping all the while.

Question #10

I frequently introduce myself as:

Anita Cocktail
Eunice Burns
Slim Bolding
Mrs. Parker

Slim Bolding. When I earnestly introduce myself as such and then watch the person slowly associate the name with the altogether-not-so-slim hooker standing before them, I gotta tell you…the befuddled look on their face is absolutely priceless. I am nothing if not living, breathing, strutting performance art, goddamnit.

The end.