He has, more times than I can even count, made me belly laugh so long and so hard that I actually pissed my granny panties from beginning to end. He tends to have that affect on people — all 4′ 11″ of him.

We have been listening to all these harrowing and hilarious tales for years, and now our friend, Leslie Jordan, is finally letting the rest of the world in on his fascinating life and tantalizing secrets in a new memoir, due out June 3rd, My Trip Down the Pink Carpet.

Think David Sedaris meets Huckleberry Hound meets Truman Capote meets the funniest motherfucker you’ve ever known and I hope you brought a change of chonies in your purse.

Yeah.

There are a few stories in his endless and delightful oeuvre that are so shocking and so scandalous that I wonder if he’s even included them in the book. I seriously doubt it. Suffice it to say, they involve chow mein noodles and a crossbow — but of this I shall speak no more. In fact, wild horses couldn’t drag it outta my fatass.

At any rate, buy his book! He’s brilliant and smart and funny and completely unique and I love him very much — and you will, too. I promise.

What’s short for sex? Leslie Jordan

Friday, May 2nd 2008
New York Daily News

Four-foot-11 actor Leslie Jordan makes the tall claim that he’s “the gayest man in the world.” Whether or not that’s true, he may be the lustiest.

In his dishy new memoir, “My Trip Down the Pink Carpet,” the puckish veteran of such series as “Ally McBeal,” “Boston Legal” and “Murphy Brown” unflinchingly describes his substance abuse and sex addiction. (One of the enduring mysteries of his life is waking up inside the gates of a lumberyard near West Hollywood’s gay bars, unable to remember how he got there and why “I did not have on any underpants.”)

But the funniest passages concern his seemingly endless crushes on his male (and mostly straight) co-stars.

“Dean Cain was stunning, and the sight of him strutting about in his Superman outfit was truly magnificent,” Jordan gushes, recalling his cameo on “Lois and Clark.” “I showed up on the set determined not to ‘­peter-gaze,’ or at least not to get caught at it.”

He became obsessed with Billy Bob Thornton while filming “Hearts Afire” after co-star John Ritter hinted to him about the size of Thornton’s manhood.

Ritter explained that he’d gone surfing with Thornton and later hit the showers. Ritter told Jordan the sight of Thornton’s “rope” would cause him to “fall in love.”

Jordan laments that he never got the chance: “There are probably a lot of things I’ll go a lifetime without seeing – the Mona Lisa, the Taj Mahal, the pyramids. And I’ll probably never see Billy Bob’s wiener, either.”

The actor – best known for his Emmy-winning role as Karen’s nemesis on “Will & Grace” – stood a better chance of seeing the man parts of Robert Downey Jr. when they met in jail.

Jordan was there for DUI convictions. (He avoided getting beaten up by telling the burly Mexican inmates stories about George Lopez, his former co-star in “Ski Patrol.”) For half a day, they shared a cell. Jordan later wrote Downey a letter asking him to befriend an outcast HIV-positive inmate.

Years later, the “Iron Man” star confessed, “That letter really meant a lot to me.”

A brace of vile and godless Jackals hungover and lounging about on a film set in Bucharest: