shoes, betch.

Posted on January 23, 2010 by muffybolding

One of my girlfriends recently told me that some of her co-workers have been whining and raising hell and saying these little baby booties are just “so wrong”, in addition to countless online message boards that echo their sentiments — and I would like to consult my precious poppets for your humble opinion on the matter. Are we amused or mortified?

Photobucket

Ha! I find myself both amused and mortified — <a href="
http://www.heelarious.com/index.php”>AT WHAT A BIG FUCKING DEAL EVERYBODY IS MAKING OVER THESE. They are puffy baby booties shaped like high heels, people — not poison-tipped blowdarts carrying a whole new, impervious to vaccine or antibiotics strain of the bubonic plague, for fuck’s sake. They are not even intended to be toddled upon — they are merely ornamental. I say, if you think these are hilarious and want to put them on your baby daughter (or son, even better!) for a huge belly laugh, then do it! And if the whole sexualization-of-the-young issue really eats at your milky white soul that much (because, make no mistake, those most outraged by these have just GOTTA BE WHITE PEOPLE), then shave her up a nice fade and put your girl in a teeny Steelers jersey and tighty-whities to really BUTCH her up before placing these booties upon her sweet little hocks. Your privileged, Protestant guilt will be mightily assuaged, I promise!

And since you asked, please allow me to state for the record that I think the whole, “I AM SO OFFENDED” horseshit in this country has gotten WAY out of control. Lemme tell you something, if you find this trifling little novelty offends your tender sensibilities that much, then I suspect you need to have your OUTRAGE GAUGE recalibrated, motherfucker. How about a month in Darfur for starters?

And while you’re there, why don’t you ask some of those mothers helplessly watching their children suffer and die just how offended they are by your pathetic, bullshit, First World, politically correct issues regarding a pair of cloth baby booties with an extra inch of fabric and stuffing attached to the underside.

Get back to me with your answer. I’ll be right here waiting — angrily strutting back and forth in my extra-large, custom-made, leopard-skin, stuffed cha-cha heels and my piss-poor attitude.

I’m a shitkicker and a shrew. Anybody got a cigarette?

Unknown's avatar

About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
This entry was posted in categories can suck my dick. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a comment