Author Archives: muffybolding

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About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.

oh, sherry!

Posted on March 2, 2010 by muffybolding

“My great Aunt Jennifer ate a whole box of candy every day of her life. She lived to be 102, and when she had been dead three days, she looked better than you do now.” — Sheridan Whiteside, The Man … Continue reading →

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part woof

Posted on March 2, 2010 by muffybolding

Have you ever noticed that convicts, outlaws, bikers, and old stoners ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS claim to be “part Cherokee on my mother’s side”? What the fuck is that all about? And that no matter what kind of dog they have, … Continue reading →

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he’s a monstoo

Posted on March 2, 2010 by muffybolding

While watching CNN this morning, my very cerebral 15 year old son made me BELLY LAUGH OUT LOUD when, completely out of the blue, he turned to me and said in all seriousness, “Barack Obama is the first human president … Continue reading →

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"oh, sweet mystery of life, at last i’ve found you!"

Posted on March 2, 2010 by muffybolding

“Each must bear his cross, and THAT…is his.” — Proskovia Rasputin, when she walked in on her infamously well-endowed husband, Grigori, and another woman.

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tell it, little sister!

Posted on March 2, 2010 by muffybolding

“‘Dear Doug, I received your message that you weren’t coming to my graduation. Doug, this is not the kind of thing that occurs between adults. Maybe you’ve found someone new, someone more mature. But if you ask me, Doug, you’re … Continue reading →

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DON’T DO IT

Posted on March 2, 2010 by muffybolding

Muff Rule #1612: Anyone who dares refer to Pink Floyd as “The Floyd” in my presence, gets my fucking black Dansko clog inserted directly into their icehole.

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unbelievable

Posted on March 2, 2010 by muffybolding

Muff Fact #216: When my now teenaged son, Otis, was a baby, I took him grocery shopping with me one day and was busy unloading my grub for the cashier when I noticed her looking over at him sort of … Continue reading →

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my fatass? kisseth

Posted on March 2, 2010 by muffybolding

Oh, and by the way…all you right wing pricks whining that Obama hasn’t fixed us up all nice yet: FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU. It took your boy, Bush, 8 years of ass-raping us with no lube to get us where we are … Continue reading →

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bang, bang

Posted on March 2, 2010 by muffybolding

I don’t know about you, but I think it’s completely awesome that Roger Ebert and Oprah used to bang around back in the day. It’s proof positive that you’re NEVER TOO FAT TO FUCK — and trust me, I OUGHTA … Continue reading →

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they call me mella hella

Posted on March 2, 2010 by muffybolding

HA! This made me belly laugh out loud and therefore, I shall sign their goddamned petition post-haste. The funniest part to me is not so much the actual street slang provenance of the term “hella” — the funniest part to … Continue reading →

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