Category Archives: categories can suck my dick

The adorable Baby Goat moved her narrow ass into her own apartment today. Pay no attention to that weeping, wailing old Sicilian broad in the black dress standing in The BG’s empty bedroom, sobbing as though her heart might break. … Continue reading →

If you BRING IT…they will come.

My most favorite thing about coming to Dodgers games? Well, aside from the awesome goddamned Dodger dogs, of course: Watching all my working class pipples in the cheap seats do The Wave with far more enthusiasm, exuberance, abandon, and gusto … Continue reading →

For all those who are always telling me that my life is so gottdamned glamorous…please allow me to tell you just exactly how glamorous it is in thirteen succinct and profoundly meaningful words: AN OCEAN OF CHIHUAHUA DIARRHEA ON MY … Continue reading →

A genius is someone who shoots at something that no one else can see…and fucking hits it.

From Muffy’s “Things That Are Sexy” List: FUCK cut pecs, a thick head o’ hair, and/or a hillbilly horsecock. For me, the SEXIEST virtue a man can possess is that he’s an EXTRAORDINARY FATHER. Honey, you could look like Ernest … Continue reading →

I co-wrote and am producing the son-of-a-bitch with William Butler and Peter Garcia…and today, my fatass will co-star in it as the BUTCH, circa 1976 roller disco rink manager, Miss Ingrid Harshman — a REAL BALLBUSTER. It’s a Charles Band … Continue reading →

I woke up remembering a really marvelous, merry day a few years ago…spent adventuring and thrift shopping with my son, Otis, and My One True Love, Gregory, in grey, gritty Aberdeen, Washington. The inexorable clouds that clung to the ceiling … Continue reading →

I am often visited in my dreams by a sober, handsome Dean Martin. When he appears to me, he is always wearing a black tuxedo and smoking a Chesterfield cigarette. He takes my hand, smiles at me, asks me how … Continue reading →

“The tragedy of old age is not that one is old…but that one is young.” — Oscar Wilde