muffy bolding

In my opinion, the “Sicilian” scene between Dennis Hopper and Christopher Walken in “True Romance” might just be the greatest 10 minutes ever committed to film and for that, I thank him for his brilliance.

With that said…FUCK DENNIS HOPPER. For me, if you were born a Right Wing fascist and lived your entire life as a Right Wing fascist, then even though I consider you to be OFF TRACK, I’ll still give your fatass a pass because you were clearly born unenlightened. This guy, on the other hand, KNEW THE FUCKING TRUTH. When he was an Angry Young Man, he touched it, tasted it, even helped to cook it up and serve it hot to a bold, new generation of Americans who had grown weary of the small-minded thinking of their parents — and yet HE STILL ENDED UP A GODDAMNED REPUBLICAN MEATHOOK IN THE END. So, in my mind, HE LOSES…FOR ALL TIME.

Requiescat in Pace, Herr Hopper — AND PUCKER UP BUTTERCUP…

AND KISS MY FAT DEMOCRATIC ASS.

Let me tell you who I am. I am NOT the hot 23 year old with the titties and ass that go POW! whom you take to the party and then go home with afterward and fuck into next week. I AM THE BRASSY, BLASPHEMOUS, BELLY LAUGHING BROAD HOLDING COURT IN THE CORNER WHOM YOU SPEND THE ENTIRE PARTY TALKING TO while ol’ T&A hangs out in the kitchen with the girls chatting about bikini waxes and Jimmy Choo shoes. That’s who I am.

I am sure if I researched it a bit, I would absolutely discover that this SHAMELESS Fat Armenian Chain Smoking Toddler is somehow related to my fatass.

THIS IS SO MY GODDAMNED FAMILY, I CANNOT EVEN TELL YOU.

Bret Easton Ellis can SUCK MY DICK.

Absurd Muff Fact #663: While we were shooting a movie in Nashville a few years ago, my best friend, Billy, talked me into doing an exuberant Underpants Chicken Dance to and fro in our room — TOPLESS…wearing only white granny panties. I did, of course — ANYTHING for a BELLY LAUGH — and he filmed it with his phone. Imagine our abject horror when he lost that same phone about an hour later during brekkie at a Pancake Pantry. Trust me, when that video eventually hits YouTube, it’ll be epic…EVEN IN HELL.

Some things just need to be left inside your fucking head. Some things should remain in the past. Some things lose their beauty when brought out into the light for inspection. Some things are the domain of dreams for good reason.

“I have forced myself to contradict myself in order to avoid conforming to my own taste.” — Marcel Duchamp

From http://www.formspring.me/muffybolding: “What flavor is your vagina?” Well, first of all, thank you so much for such a thoughtful and intelligent question, Anonymous. My vagina is flavored with the tears, subjugation, oppression, and patriarchal rule of 10,000 years. Oh, no wait…sorry, that was wrong. It’s “Green Apple Jolly Rancher.”

The Food Network is like the best goddamned thing on tv, especially that brilliant old queen Alton Brown — LOVE HIM. He is like a physicist, an historian, a game show host, a master chef, a belly laugher, a favorite uncle, and your best flaming friend ALL ROLLED INTO ONE. The only thing I loathe about TFN is that during the live shows, the audience always CHEERS WILDLY when the chef dumps extra garlic or wine into the recipe — sort of like stoners react when they look at the clock and realize it’s 4:20.

God, I hate that shit.

Absurd Muff Fact #772: Come every lovely and fertile Springtime, whenever I happen to saunter past one of the flowering, olfactorially-triggering plant kingdom behemoths that I affectionately refer to as a “Load Tree”…I will actually experience a prom night flashback and AUDIBLY GAG.