“When I think about my relationship with America, I feel like a battered wife: Yeah, he knocks me around a lot, but boy, he sure can dance.” — Sarah Vowell, “Take the Cannoli: Stories from the New World”
Always remember and don’t ever forget, my darling poppets: Men of science walked on the moon; men of faith stole airplanes and flew them into buildings.
I was just lamenting to my teenage son, Otis, about what an utter crock of horseshit it is that he needs my fatass to take him to GameStop to get his latest coveted video game — Brutal Legend — because it’s rated “M” for mature. I asked him what’s so bad in the bastard that a 15 year old dude — suckled on “Grand Theft Auto”, “South Park” and “Superbad” — is unable to purchase it without holding his mother’s hand. He told me, “There’s cussing and blood and heads getting chopped off”…to which I responded, “That’s not offensive, dude — THAT’S MY RESUME!”
“May all that have life be delivered from suffering.” — Gautama Buddha
To all my LA and New York pipples: If you do anything at all tonight, get your fatasses down to either The Laemmle’s 5 on Sunset or The IFC Center on Avenue of the Americas — and starting April 16th at The Lumiere in San Francisco — and SEE THIS GODDAMNED MOVIE.
Our good friend, the BRILLIANT actor Mather Zickel, told us about this friend and colleague of his who, along with her boyfriend, made a film for $15,000 dollars. Yes, you read that right — FIFTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS, MOTHERFUCKERS — and “Breaking Upwards” is it. We all went to see it Friday night and were COMPLETELY charmed and blown away by this awesome, intelligent, engaging, hilarious film they created with virtually nothing except a magnificent screenplay, GENIUS actors who worked for practically nothing, and THE SHEER WILL AND VISION TO GET IT DONE. And boy did they. What they need now is simply “ASSES IN SEATS.” — numbers. This is proof positive that a completely awesome and entertaining film doesn’t have to cost 20 million dollars to make. The reviews so far are breathtaking and the word is trickling out, so, if you are looking for something fabulous to do tonight, GET THINE DIY-ART-SUPPORTING-ASS down to see it in this very, very limited initial engagement. And when you are blown away like me, MAKE SURE and tell everyone you know to rent it, watch it, buy it. DO IT — or get kicked in the taco by your crazy Auntie Muffy. Thank you! xoxo
Whenever I have the chance to visit with my VAST LEGIONS of darling and delightful nieces and nephews (whose sheer numbers — because of my 8 prolific, fuckmachine siblings — are truly like cockroaches), they always stampede up in a great sweep and hug me and kiss me and swirl all around me, laughing and chattering away with statements like, “You were SO funny on the Disney Channel, Aunt Nay Nay!”, “Your dress looks like a witch dress, Aunt Nay Nay!”, “Do you have any MAC makeup you don’t want, Aunt Nay Nay?” (always asked by my festive nephew, Alex), “Your fat tummy looks like you are going to have a baby, Aunt Nay Nay!”, and my VERY favorite pronouncement — which they ALWAYS SAY, with so much pride and love you wouldn’t even believe it — “Aunt Nay Nay…we were watching School of Rock last night and you remind us EXACTLY of Jack Black!”
Goddamn, I love those fucking babies.
“What a wee little part of a person’s life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.” — Mark Twain
If you knit or crochet…PLEASE consider donating your time, talents, yarn, and heart to this AWESOME project: making small security blankets to provide both physical and psychological comfort to shelter animals while they wait to be picked up, rescued, or adopted. These sweet little babies are frequently frightened, cold, alone, and confused — and these small, cozy blankets are something they can call their own while they await their new families and their new lives.
Along with Frances, that gorgeous black chihuahua lounging on my lap, knitting blankies for these babies is my new reason for living.
I don’t care what anybody says — not only do I think that Buddy Holly was DEAD SEXY…I THINK HE COULD FUCK, as well. Look at that face and look at that stance. I’m telling you, that is NOT the jawline of a man who can’t fuck.
Good god, I really want ol’ Buddy to pull my pert ponytail, slap my wholesome face, hike my poodle skirt up around my ears, and hiccup-sing my name as he’s nailing me in the back of a ’56 Chevy.
“Muffy Sue. Muffy Sue. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty Muffy Sue…oh, oh, Muffy…MY MUFFY SUE-UE-UE!”
“I don’t care if people hate my guts; I assume most of them do. The important question is whether they are in a position to do anything about it.” — William S. Burroughs
muffy bolding 