muffy bolding

“Squat and Cough” is the name of my new band.

“Motivating millionaires.” – Los Angeles Lakers coach Phil Jackson, when asked what is the hardest part of his job.

A most thoughtful product to help minimize the existential shame that your dog undoubtedly feels over his or her unsightly butthole.

(YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS.)

Bringing BUTTHOLE Back

Aside from ol’ Christina Onassis, have you ever noticed that wealthy, socialite-type women are NEVER fatasses? And further, the ones that are usually die young — not of heart disease or diabetes like the rest of us filth — but of PURE SHAME over not being able to rock the SERIOUS little pink and green Lilly Pulitzer shift and Bernardo sandals that are required gear when summering in the Hamptons. Ol’ Lil don’t work on a BIG FATTIE — trust me, I KNOW.

I am now going to invoke two little words that, when spoken together, will mean absolutely nothing to the boys out there — but will strike ABSOLUTE TERROR into the heart of anyone in possession of a cooter. Two words: TWO TAMPONS.

That is all.

For those trifling over the parameters of Generation X (a term that was popularized in modern usage by one Douglas Coupland, who was born in 1961), I have come up with a fool-proof method. Even though researchers generally agree that it stretches from 1961-1981, if you identify with the film The Breakfast Club, you are Gen X; if you identify with The Big Chill, you are a Boomer. By jove, I have solved the quandary!

Gosh, it just now hit me; how bizarre is it that in my over 25 years as a Women’s Rights activist, the ONLY person I have ever known who actually used abortion as a form of birth control…was a Conservative Christian Republican?

I’ve been stomping around with my granny panties in a wad, asking this same question for months: Where in the FUCK were all these tea-bagging patriots when we were getting ASS RAPED WITH NO LUBE by the Bush administration for nearly a decade?

And now, here it is being axed again by my awesome friend, the political blogger Jonathon Blaque — only he does it a lot more cogently, intelligently, and with no profanity. Okay, maybe just one little F-bomb near the end…but really, who can blame him? However, it’s when he boldly casts the “C” word that we REALLY get down to brass tacks here. Don’t be fooled — this ain’t about patriotism OR policy, people — it’s about RACE. If these people genuinely cared — or even fucking UNDERSTOOD, for that matter — that which they are protesting, they would have been out there in droves when Bush and Cheney were dry-parking their meatbus in our caca lockers for nearly ten years…over and over and over again.

The biggest irony of all? These ignorant, inbred, illiterate fucks are precisely the people who will most benefit from the sweeping civil rights changes so boldly put forth by this administration. They bitch and moan and proudly protest with their Swastika signs (oh, the further irony!) and misspelled placards now, but you mark my goddamned words — inside a year, it’ll be these same misguided cocksuckers not only expecting but DEMANDING customer satisfaction from the medical care with which they have been so generously provided by all us unAmerican Socialists. And you can take THAT to the goddamned bank, my friends.

So…meet Jonathon Blaque…who flat BREAKS IT DOWN FOR A MOTHERFUCKER.

Blaque’s Blog of Horrors

And speaking of online debauchery…there was the SENSIBLE TAUPE PUMP GUY — and then there was the I AM OBSESSED WITH YOUR THIGH MUSCLES GUY. Whereas STPG just wanted me to pretend I was stuck in the mud and frantically pumping the gas pedal while he watched…IAOWYTMG wanted me to pretend that I was lying on my back in a rail-yard, wearing light blue Dolphin shorts, a tube-top, and tube socks, putting my feet up against the sides of massive boxcars, and PUSHING THEM OVER WITH SUPERHUMAN FORCE…all while I sang, “Rockytop” at the top of my lungs. Over and over and over again.

This is a true story.

You know, I feel genuine compassion for the fact that he is now an old man suffering and dying of prostate cancer…but I just gotta say: FUCK DENNIS HOPPER. How in the LOVING FUCK do you go from EASY RIDER to HARDCORE RIGHT-WING REPUBLICAN ASSMASTER in one goddamned lifetime? Talk about your pathetic, textbook, Boomer sellouts. Even the fact that he is one half of one of the most chilling, most riveting, most brilliant, most hilarious scenes in cinematic history doesn’t get him off the hook, nor does it save his confused, deluded ass from the shitheap of POLITICAL MEATHOOKDOM.

Verdict? DENNIS HOPPER CAN SUCK MY DICK.

Mather Zickel…THIS ONE’S FOR YOU:

Sicilians