“My great Aunt Jennifer ate a whole box of candy every day of her life. She lived to be 102, and when she had been dead three days, she looked better than you do now.” — Sheridan Whiteside, The Man Who Came To Dinner
Have you ever noticed that convicts, outlaws, bikers, and old stoners ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS claim to be “part Cherokee on my mother’s side”? What the fuck is that all about? And that no matter what kind of dog they have, it’s always “part wolf.”
While watching CNN this morning, my very cerebral 15 year old son made me BELLY LAUGH OUT LOUD when, completely out of the blue, he turned to me and said in all seriousness, “Barack Obama is the first human president I can remember.”
Such a clever, clever boy.
“Each must bear his cross, and THAT…is his.” — Proskovia Rasputin, when she walked in on her infamously well-endowed husband, Grigori, and another woman.
“‘Dear Doug, I received your message that you weren’t coming to my graduation. Doug, this is not the kind of thing that occurs between adults. Maybe you’ve found someone new, someone more mature. But if you ask me, Doug, you’re the one being childish. Anyhow, if you think I’m gonna sit around and wait for you, forget it. Sincerely, Linda.’ What do you think? I have another version where I call him an asshole.”
Muff Rule #1612: Anyone who dares refer to Pink Floyd as “The Floyd” in my presence, gets my fucking black Dansko clog inserted directly into their icehole.
Muff Fact #216: When my now teenaged son, Otis, was a baby, I took him grocery shopping with me one day and was busy unloading my grub for the cashier when I noticed her looking over at him sort of oddly. When I glanced over, I noticed him happily chewing away on something he had dug out of my purse: A STRAND OF WHITE ANAL-BEADS THAT A FRIEND HAD GIVEN ME AS A JOKE THE DAY BEFORE. With a bored Ethel Mertz ducklip face, I just shrugged my shoulders and kept loading my stuff onto the conveyor belt.
Oh, and by the way…all you right wing pricks whining that Obama hasn’t fixed us up all nice yet: FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU. It took your boy, Bush, 8 years of ass-raping us with no lube to get us where we are in the first place. Give this poor bastard a chance — he’s only cleaning up Republican feces, after all. Where were all you goddamned tea-baggin’ patriots when W&Co. was parking their meat bus in your ca-ca locker for nearly a decade? FUCK OFF.
I don’t know about you, but I think it’s completely awesome that Roger Ebert and Oprah used to bang around back in the day. It’s proof positive that you’re NEVER TOO FAT TO FUCK — and trust me, I OUGHTA KNOW.
HA! This made me belly laugh out loud and therefore, I shall sign their goddamned petition post-haste. The funniest part to me is not so much the actual street slang provenance of the term “hella” — the funniest part to me is THAT HELLA AS A MATHEMATICAL PREFIX ALREADY SOUNDS COMPLETELY LEGIT TO MY EAR. I mean “hellaton”? THAT’S BONAFIDE, baby. Let’s do this thing.
muffy bolding 