Here in Southern California, we are currently in the midst of three HUGE storms. This makes me happier than you could ever know.
I love rain, I love cold, I love blustery weather, I love Ted Hughes, I love
hot coffee, I love my friends, I love my babies, I love my husband, I
love my life, I love this song.
You get 3 words; no more, no less.
1. Where is your cell phone?
Between my titties.
2. Your girlfriend/boyfriend/hubby?
The Cutest Piglet.
3. Your hair?
“That Girl” flip.
4. Where is your father?
Covered with snow.
6. Your favorite things to do?
Read, travel, schtupp.
7. Your dream last night?
Kurt and turtles.
8. Your favorite drink?
Ice, water, lemon.
9. Your dream car?
Crazy Rodent Vehicle. (CRV!)
10. The room you’re in?
The Schtupp Chamber.
12. Your fears?
My babies hurting.
14. Who did you hang out with last night?
Piggies, Goats, Otters.
15. What aren’t you good at?
Tolerating no-talent meathooks.
16. Muffins?
No, sourdough bread.
17. One of your wish list items?
Diamonds and guacamole.
19. The last thing you did?
Rinsed my cooter.
20. What are you wearing?
Granny panties. Smile.
22. Your pets?
A fuzzy butt.
23. Your computer?
My Lord/Saviour. Amen.
24. Your life?
Deliberate and improbable.
25. Your mood?
Blissful, lovestruck, anticipatory.
26. Missing?
The lovely Julia.
27. What are you thinking about right now?
Mrs. Dorothy Parker.
28. Your car?
Crazy Rodent Vehicle.
29. Your work?
Hunting and Pecking.
30. Your summer?
Jean Nate cooter.
32. Your favorite color(s)?
Pomegranate, Peridot, Chartreuse.
33. When is the last time you laughed?
Every five seconds.
34. Last time you cried?
Every five seconds.
34. School?
Dropped Out Debutante
35. Personal mantra?
Fuck off, lady.
“God’s pattern is for men to be the leaders, both in the church and in the family…women should listen and learn quietly and submissively. I do not let women teach men or have authority over them.” — Pat Robertson. Umm…I got news for you, Patty — it’s out of your hands. The ultimate power and authority in this world comes down to ONE WORD, my batshit crazy old friend: PUSSY…and YOU AIN’T GOT ONE. So, FUCK OFF.
Aside from the simple matter of craving some serious adventure, one of the more practical reasons Gregory and I traveled to Boston last year was so that he could introduce me to some of his old high school friends and show me where he grew up. I got a chance to meet Neal and Peter (who are both SO fucking butch!) and their darling wives, Miss April and Miss Gwen — who, it turns out, is quite an extraordinary artist. Although she didn’t go to high school with our darling little trio of drug-addled teenage villains, apparently Gwen knew my sweet husband all those many years ago, as well.
After we were all ensconced cozily around her and Peter’s kitchen table — drinking yummy hot tea, poring over old yearbooks, and belly laughing at the absolutely HIDEOUS 80s hairstyles contained therein — Gwen smiled mischievously and asked Gregory, “So, do you remember when I sketched you all those years ago?” — to which my husband actually looked rather shocked and answered, “Umm…no.” And then homegirl proceeded to go into her studio and return with a portfolio…out of which she removed an absolutely extraordinary drawing she had done of him when he was but a mere 23-year old babe in arms.
When she handed it to me, I honestly almost passed out — I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. All the air completely left my body. I couldn’t stop staring at it — it was just so amazing. It was my sweet love’s face from a long, long time ago — before I knew him. Before I loved him. Before he loved me. I couldn’t stop crying — it was just the most amazing and unexpected surprise to have had come floating down to me from the ethers of the past. Thank you, Miss Gwen — it is truly one of the greatest gifts I have ever been given: A singular moment in the past of the man I love most in the whole world — a small glimpse into a life he had long before I knew he even existed. I mean, how many times in your life are you offered a treasure like that? It just takes my breath away.
Needless to say, we went to the post office the next day and mailed it home in one of those secure document mailer tubes as we didn’t want to ruin it in our vagabond luggage. When it arrived at our house a few days after returned, I was just so enchanted that I couldn’t stop gazing into his clear, young eyes — eyes that had hardly tasted life yet…but which, of course, are the very same green eyes I gaze into everyday of my life. He’s just so unbelievably beautiful — and I love him without end. Were it that every girl was as lucky as me.
1. Name a movie that you have seen more than 10 times:
Hard Day’s Night, The Godfather Trilogy, What’s Up, Doc?, The Royal Tenenbaums, Pulp Fiction, Arthur, Amelie, To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar. These, among countless others, have been my film school –- and continue to be so.
2. Name a movie that you’ve seen multiple times in a theatre:
Excalibur, Rocky Horror Picture Show.
3. Name an actor that would make you more inclined to see a movie:
We always support the ever-marvelous work of Ed Harris, Bill Murray, Gene Hackman, Clive Owen, Cate Blanchett, Helen Mirren, and Angelica Huston.
4. Name a movie that you keep meaning to see but just haven’t gotten around to it:
I can’t think of one I haven’t yet seen because I haven’t gotten around to it, but I can tell you one that I have never seen and will never see: Schindler’s List. No can do, hombre. I would seriously have to be hospitalized. I was horribly traumatized for weeks after watching the opening sequence of Saving Private Ryan, no lie. I think Schindler’s List would destroy me.
5. What movie do you wish you had never seen?
Christ, that horseshit Bob Dylan biopic that was out last year, whatever it was called –- I must’ve blocked the name from the sheer trauma endured…although Cate Blanchett, of course, was absolutely brilliant.
6. Name an actor that would make you less likely to see a movie:
Oh, lord, there are positively scads –- but the worst offenders are Meg Ryan with that rubbery mouth, Renee Zellwegger with that sour, bulimia-swollen face, Nicolas Cage with all that NO-talent meathookieness, and Tom Cruise with ALL THAT MOTHERFUCKING CRAZY.
7. Name a movie that you can quote from at will:
Hard Day’s Night, What’s Up, Doc, Animal House, The Big Lebowski; the list is endless.
8. Name a movie musical that you know all the lyrics to all the songs:
Fame, The Sound of Music, Grease, Moulin Rouge, Rocky Horror; the list is endless.
9. Name a movie that you have been known to sing along with:
Oh, a redundant prick, are we? Grease –- and my fatass can do the Hand Jive like the goddamned wind.
10. Name a movie that you would recommend everyone see:
The Godfather and Lawrence of Arabia. If you have seen neither of these, Fuck Off, Lady. Get thee to a Netflix because you don’t know what a brilliant film is.
11. Name a movie that you own:
Amelie, The Royal Tennenbaums, The Queen, The Godfather Trilogy, Lawrence of Arabia, Dead Poet’s Society, Breakfast with Andre, The Warriors, The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, Animal House, Ghostbusters; the list is endless.
12. Name an actor that launched his/her entertainment career in another medium but who has surprised you with his/her acting chops:
Mark Wahlberg and Cher.
13. Have you ever seen a movie in a drive-in theatre:
I have done many things at a drive-in theatre — watched a movie, even.
14. Ever made out in a movie?
Honey, I have snorted blow off a hooker’s ass in a movie. Okay, so maybe that’s a filthy lie — but I have peed in a Taco Bell cup.
15. Ever walked out of a movie:
Only one: Club Paradise. It was some shitty 80’s movie with legions of shitty comedians who, undoubtedly whilst on a major coke binge, must’ve slurred to each other, “Hey! Let’s all fly to a tropical island and just roll camera and see what brilliance ensues!” SO. FUCKING. NO.
16. Name a movie that made you cry in the theater:
Christ, what movie hasn’t made me cry? I cry every five. Umm…Sophie’s Choice, Reds, Titanic, Saving Private Ryan, The Turning Point, Terms of Endearment, ET, Pan’s Labyrinth, Ratatouille. Everything makes me cry –- happy, sad, mournful, merry, I cry. The list is endless.
17. Popcorn?:
A given –- and that’s non-negotiable, even if I am dieting. For me, a dark movie theatre is a place that exists between worlds, therefore the same rules need not apply. Don’t like it? Fuck off, lady.
18. How often do you go to the movies:
Whenever there is a promising one playing, we go.
19. What’s the last movie you saw in the theater:
Burn After Reading.
20. What is your favorite/preferred genre of movie:
I definitely like a good, small, tight, brilliant, well-written, inspired, “indy” film –- like Little Miss Sunshine, Superbad, Juno, or Slumdog Millionaire. But I also LOVE a good documentary or a good action film, as well. Trust me, I would let Jason Bourne put it anywhere he wanted to.
21. What was the first movie you remember seeing in the theater:
Oh, lord, it was probably some Disney film or other at the Tower Theatre in Fresno when I was a small child –- maybe “The Computer That Wore Tennis Shoes” or “Fantasia” or something like that. Movies have been a constant as far back as I can remember. Along with books and tv, they are honestly what saved me. They showed me how I wanted to live my life and what I wanted to do with that life. I can honestly say that the best parts of me were forged by my exposure to and inspiration from movies, television, and books.
22. What is the weirdest movie you enjoyed:
Oddly enough, even though I am definitely considered REALLY weird by most, I’m not really a weird movie sort of person. I mean, if something feels too weird to me, I immediately smell forced and contrived and self-conscious all over it…and therefore, I tend to be generally annoyed and disdainful. Weird just for weird’s sake makes me want to kick ass. Maybe Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory –- is that weird? Or how about The Big Lebowski. Hmm…maybe my weird gauge needs recalibrating.
23. What is the scariest movie you’ve ever seen:
Rosemary’s Baby and The Shining.
24. What is the funniest movie you’ve ever seen:
It’s a dead tie between two of my most favorite and personally inspiring films of all time: What’s Up, Doc? and Arthur. In fact, it would not be overstating it to say that these two films –- along with Phyllis Diller, Don Rickles, The Rat Pack, and The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast –- are why I do what I do and why I am who I am today.
Muffy Bolding is…eatin’ chili dogs and lettin’ shit slide.
This questionnaire was originated by French television personality Bernard Pivot, and made famous by the ever unctuous and orange James Lipton on Inside the Actor’s Studio
1. What is your favorite word?
Butch.
2. What is your least favorite word?
Lice.
3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
Really interesting people. And endless belly laughter. If you’re not interesting and you can’t (or worse, won’t) belly laugh with me, you’re out, motherfucker.
4. What turns you off creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
People who are ungenerous with their praise. Creative people who are made small and threatened by the talent of other creative people. People who don’t get that there is more than room enough at the table for all those who have the talent, drive, and desire to be there.
5. What sound or noise do you love?
My sweet son’s voice whispering, “Miff?”, as he wakes me up in the morning with a gently laid hand on my arm.
6. What sound or noise do you hate?
Cupboards, drawers, dishes, and pots and pans being slammed and clanged around in passive-aggressive silence. Fuck that and fuck you.
7. What is your favorite curse word?
Motherfucker.
.
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
The kneesock and be-liederhosened hostess on the Storybook Land Canal Boats at Disneyland.
9. What profession would you not like to do?
Clean-up crew in Gaza.
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
Where you been, motherfucker? The fridge is stocked with icy cold Diet Coke, and Paul Newman and Ted Hughes are both shaved down and waiting for you in your room. Get back on it!
John Updike: 1932-2009
Rest In American small town, Protestant, middle class Peace, old friend.
Dog’s Death
She must have been kicked unseen or brushed by a car.
Too young to know much, she was beginning to learn
To use the newspapers spread on the kitchen floor
And to win, wetting there, the words, “Good dog!
Good dog!”
We thought her shy malaise was a shot reaction.
The autopsy disclosed a rupture in her liver.
As we teased her with play, blood was filling her skin
And her heart was learning to lie down forever.
Monday morning, as the children were noisily fed
And sent to school, she crawled beneath the youngest’s bed.
We found her twisted and limp but still alive.
In the car to the vet’s, on my lap, she tried
To bite my hand and died. I stroked her warm fur
And my wife called in a voice imperious with tears.
Though surrounded by love that would have upheld her,
Nevertheless she sank and, stiffening, disappeared.
Back home, we found that in the night her frame,
Drawing near to dissolution, had endured the shame
Of diarrhea and had dragged across the floor
To a newspaper carelessly left there. Good dog.
— John Updike
You Are Special
You are my friend
You are special
You are my friend
You’re special to me.
You are the only one like you.
Like you, my friend, I like you.
In the daytime
In the nighttime
Any time that you feel’s the right time
For a friendship with me, you see
F-R-I-E-N-D special
You are my friend
You’re special to me.
There’s only one you in this wonderful world
You are special.
— Mr. Rogers
1. Post three things you’ve done in your lifetime that you don’t think anybody else on your friends list has done.
2. See if anybody else responds with “I’ve done that.”
3. Have your friends cut and paste this into their journal to see what unique things they’ve done in their life.
Hmmm…this should be fun!
My Three:
1. Made a monkeyface totem pole with the awesome Lance Henriksen while on location in Bucharest, Romania.
2. Submitted three pieces to a citywide writing contest that had over 5,000 entries — and won 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place. Oh, were it that the grand prize was a night alone with Clive Owen, a tub of Crisco, an industrial winch, and a dog-eared copy of TS Eliot’s “The Wasteland”!
3. Had a great-grandfather who savagely hacked a great-grandmother to death with a machete –- and then finished himself off with it, as well.
Anyone else? Anyone?
Didn’t think so.
Please. All of you who think it’s scandalous to have a few druggies, loonies, thugs, and thieves in the family tree are fucking amateurs, baby. Felony for felony, my clan would make yours look like the Family Von Trapp, I assure you. As far as criminals go, my kin are positively dazzling — we are to the slammer born. As Hank, Jr. says, it’s a family tradition.
Shit, holmes…I wake up every morning with chunks o’ junkie in my stool.
Top that.
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
muffy bolding 
