“My father was very sure about certain matters pertaining to the universe. To him, all good things — trout as well as eternal salvation — come by grace and grace comes by art and art does not come easy.”
— A River Runs Through It, Norman Maclean
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“What happened here was a miracle…and I want you to fucking acknowledge it.”
From my most favoritest Disney movie of all time.
Yeah.
This is how you do it:
Does anyone know where these background animal illustrations are from?
They look so familiar, but I just can’t seem to place them.
Perhaps some Little Golden Book from the hideous 70’s or something?
Thanks!
The world can now come to an end and I don’t give a shit, because all I know is this:
Monday night, at some fancy Hollywood fete honoring actors and performers from the Asian community, my best friend and writing partner, Billy, won a silent auction for a block of tickets to this upcoming season’s American Idol finale. Now, those of you who know me well know that I have very little toleration for such no-talent drivel. Whatthefuckever. However, sitting at Billy’s table at said shin-dig was someone whom I absolutely adore — someone who accosted Billy and told him that if the tickets were indeed procured, he insisted on monopolizing two of them and attending, as well.
Needless to say, my pathologically generous friend was more than happy to oblige this gentleman two of the tickets. Consequently, some time this Spring, Billy and I will be going on a double date with this total and complete god, actor, activist, artist, and belly laugher and his darling boyfriend, Brad.
I am so excited I think I might just pee my granny panties.
Who’s unbelievably surreal life is this?
Oh, it’s mine.
1: WHAT MADE YOU SMILE YESTERDAY? Making out with my sexy husband in the electronics section at Costco. I’m such a shameless hooker.
2: WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT 8 THIS MORNING? Dreaming of Kurt and turtles.
3: WHAT WERE YOU DOING 15 MINUTES AGO? Filling my hot water bottle with anticipatory glee.
4: SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED TO YOU IN 1995? Won a scholarship award for “Most Outstanding Student: English Department” at Fresno City College. Spent award money at Barnes and Noble, The Palm-Olive Thriftstore (Requiescat In Pace, my old friend), and The Sizzler.
5: LAST THING YOU SAID ALOUD? “Lemme tell you, a Sherpa will kick your motherfucking ass, my friend.”
6: HOW MANY DIFFERENT THINGS DID YOU DRINK TODAY? 2: Coffee and fizzy water.
7: WHERE IS YOUR BEST FRIEND RIGHT NOW? Sweetly sleeping five feet away from me.
8: WHAT COLOR IS YOUR TOOTHBRUSH? Red.
9: LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? Ha! $380 worth of Costco.
10: LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY? This TO DIE FOR charm bracelet.
11: WHAT COLOR IS YOUR FRONT DOOR? Green.
12: WHERE DO YOU KEEP YOUR CHANGE? In a ceramic cicada jar from the south of France.
13: WHAT IS THE WEATHER TODAY? Clement.
14: BEST ICE CREAM FLAVOR? A really grand vanilla.
15: SOMETHING YOU ARE EXCITED ABOUT? The work.
16: LAST RAINBOW YOU SAW? On the license plate frame of a silver Mazda Miata in WestFuckingHollywood, baby.
17: WHAT SIZE SHOE DO YOU WEAR? 6 1/2 when I am not fat, 7 1/2 when I am. So, to answer your question…7 1/2.
18: DO YOU HAVE ANY SISTERS? Umm…five or six. I always forget which and I am far too lazy to tally it up right now. Suffice it say, I got a whole lotta sisters goin’ on.
20: HOW DO YOU WANT TO CUT YOUR HAIR? After a year of suffering, I’ve got my old Dotty Parker bob back again, and I’m as happy as a flapper clam.
21: ARE YOU OVER THE AGE OF 18? Honey, the underwear I have on are over the age of 18.
22: DO YOU TALK A LOT? Oh, christ, who doesn’t after a few cocktails?
23: DO YOU WATCH THE OC? No, but my girlies do, so I occasionally hear all about it from one darling breathless teenager or another. The OC is their stories, goddamnit.
25: DO YOU KNOW ANYONE CALLED STEVE? Only Howard Bannister.
26: DO YOU MAKE UP YOUR OWN WORDS? Oh, god, ALWAYS. “Tell me, did you sail across the sun? Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded? And Van Halen is overrated.”
27: ARE YOU TICKLISH? Only in my heart.
29: NAME A FRIEND WHOSE NAME STARTS WITH THE LETTER “D”: Damien Thorne.
30: NAME A FRIEND WHOSE NAME STARTS WITH AN “A”: Angie Morrill.
31: 4TH PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALLS? My rockstar Rheumatologist.
32: WHAT DID THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECEIVED SAY?: “Hey, Butchie, Sam wants some vicodin. Are you holding?”
33: DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS? Only in my ponytail, saddle shoes, and poodle skirt at Ye Olde Malt Shoppe. You gotta be fuckin’ kidding me with this horseshit question.
34: DO YOU HAVE CURLY HAIR? Only in my dreams.
35: WHAT IS THE NEXT CONCERT YOU’RE GOING TO? I have no idea — but the last concert I went to was the amazing Babs Streisand about two weeks ago. I was positively verklempt from beginning to end.
36: WHO IS THE COOLEST PERSON IN YOUR LIFE? My son.
37: WHAT SAYING DO YOU SAY A LOT? “Fuck off, lady.”
38: WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Melatonin.
39: HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE DONNIE DARKO? God, yes.
40: DO YOU HAVE WORK TOMORROW? I have work everyday.
41: EVER BEEN HUNTING? Yes…and I am a total and complete crackshot. A freak shot. My father used to take me shooting with his posse because they thought it was hysterical that a tiny ten year old girl could handle a firearm with such brazen fearlessness and shoot with such amazing accuracy. I never miss.
42: IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE? As well as in my past. Apparently I am the marryin’ kind.
43: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID “I LOVE YOU” AND MEANT IT? Every single time. I would never say it if I didn’t mean it with all my heart.
44: WHAT SHOULD YOU BE DOING RIGHT NOW? Dreaming of Kurt and turtles.
45: DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME? I have several: Butchie, Mouse, Polly, Slim, Snapper Bruschetta (my stripper name.)
46: DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT? I do.
47: ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER? No. I have babies.
48: LAST TIME YOU USED A SKATEBOARD? I have never used a skateboard.
49: BEST MOVIE YOU’VE SEEN IN THE PAST TWO WEEKS THAT YOU HADN’T SEEN BEFORE? Borat — though I think it was more like three weeks ago. But, fuck off, lady.
50: WHAT KIND OF CELL PHONE DO YOU HAVE? Black to the berry.
51: WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The lulling hum of my true love’s CPAP machine.
52: ARE YOU CURRENTLY DEPRESSED? God, no.
53: WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Satania.
54: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SONG? Wagner’s “Gotterdammerung” from The Ring Series.
54: COOLEST MUSIC VIDEO: The one Gregory and I watched, in our hotel room in France in 2002, about a lonely, pensive polar bear walking through town who ends up sitting on the beach on a grey, blustery day looking wistfully out to sea. There’s not a week that goes by that I don’t think about it.
55: WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW? A Target Schmata Zenyatta Mondatta.
56: CURRENT ANNOYANCE? Britney’s cooter. Goddamn, she needs to sheathe that beast.
Write 7 random facts about yourself, then tag 7 people to do the same.
1. Ted Hughes and Sylvia Plath saved my life.
2. My husband is listed as one of the producers on the recent Nirvana boxed set because he recorded them for a school project at Evergreen State College in Olympia, Washington in the late 80’s. That previously never-before-heard recording was tucked away in our bedroom closet for years; Gregory thought that no one, aside from the still-living members of the band, even knew it existed. Apparently, they did…and they contacted him looking to procure it for the set. A few of the pictures from his private photo albums are also included in the accompanying booklet. I have to say that this entire experience remains surreal to me to this day.
3. In the fall and winter, I sleep curled around a hot water bottle every night, as do my husband and babies. It is an obsession with me…The Cult of the Hot Water Bottle. I scour ebay looking at all the different styles, sizes, and colors available…and I am currently looking to perhaps commission someone to knit me a cashmere cozy for mine.
4. And speaking about obsessions, my and Gregory’s most recent one is Persian rugs. We are besotted with them, and like hanging out amidst the towering stacks in old rug shops and bazaars — stacks, I might add, which are frequently far taller than I am (though that’s not saying much.) When it comes to rugs, we both apparently have impeccable taste…as in, our taste far outweighs our pecuniary resources. Bastard money.
5. I have never slept with a dame.
6. My maternal grandfather was born in the Philippine Islands; he supported his family by gambling and bookmaking. My paternal grandfather was born in New York; he was a nightclub and off-Broadway dancer in New York City. My maternal grandmother was born in Fresno, California; she was a nightclub singer and a waitress. My paternal grandmother was born in New York, and she was a sass, a tart, and a gangster’s moll with a mouth like a Teamster…and still is, even though she will be 90 in January.
7. Regarding a huge, gala event — I am horrible, terrible, and no-good at the planning and organization of such a shin-dig. At any of the more vital, necessary, middle-of-the-road co-ordination, I am woefully pathetic. I will certainly fail you — not because I want to, but because it is simply out of my range of accomplishment to do otherwise; I suck at matters of administration and management. However, when I show up for said hoedown, you can absolutely count on me for one of two things: Either hand me the microphone, throw me a spotlight, tell me, “It’s showtime!” and then step the fuck out of the way and let me do what it is I do best…or hand me a broom, apron, or wooden spoon and point me in the direction of the kitchens. The entertainment headliner for the evening — or cheery scullery maid. I am more than comfortable in either capacity.
I don’t tag. Do it, or fuck off, lady.
List ten fictional characters you’d bang around with, and then tag five people to do the same:
(By my twisted, libertine reckoning…if bangin’ around with ten is good, thirteen is even better.)
1. Hubbell Gardner (from The Way We Were, as played by Robert Redford)
2. Howard Bannister (from What’s Up, Doc?, as played by Ryan O’Neal)
3. King Arthur (from Excalibur, as played by Nigel Terry)
4. Neil Pye (from The Young Ones, as played by Nigel Planer)
5. Sam ‘Ace’ Rothstein (from Casino, as played by Robert De Niro)
6. Richie Tenenbaum (from The Royal Tenenbaums, as played by Luke Wilson)
7. Michael Corleone (from The Godfather, as played by Al Pacino)
8. Aragorn (from The Lord of the Rings, as played by Viggo Mortensen)
9. Larry (from Closer, as played by Clive Owen)
10. Professor Henry Jones (from Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade, as played by Sean Connery)
11. Charles (from Four Weddings and a Funeral, as played by Hugh Grant)
12. Peter Morton (from Peter’s Friends, as played by Stephen Fry)
13. Willy Wonka (Gene Wilder version)…the best part being that this is actually the main reason I married my true love, Gregory — because he is totally and completely Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka in every way. Even my friends call him “Wonka”. He is my sun and my moon. Gosh, I love that boy.
And I don’t do the tag thing. Do it if you want — and if not, fuck off, lady.
muffy bolding 
