muffy bolding

Happy Birthday to the bestest friend and boyfriend a dame could ever have. And even though we spent our wedding anniversay last month out to dinner with my first darling husband — and we had both forgotten that it even was our wedding anniversary until well after the meal — I still consider us the most romantic couple around. Fuck the Captain and Tennille’s cloying version of the song — it’s holding hands and belly laughing whilst watching “Space Ghost Coast to Coast” that will keep us together.

My life with you is amazing and brilliant and fun — and it gets better and more interesting every day…and I can’t imagine wanting to be anywhere else in the world more than I want to be with you. I love you.

Happy Birthday, Gregory.

“Ten Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Me” Meme

10) I am unable to watch a period film (Old West, Medieval, Biblical, etc.) without being completely pre-occupied with and frequently commenting on the unimagineable bodily hygiene of those involved. After a recent viewing of “The Bridge on the River Kwai”, my husband was actually forced to pause the film and loudly implore, “Honey, please…ENOUGH with the dirty pussy/nasty ass talk!”

9) So far, I appear to be biologically incapable of loneliness, envy, or boredom.

8) In 1988, my husband recorded Nirvana for one of the songs which was released on their recent boxed set. We had the original tape in our closet for years — reverently stuck between my old thriftstore purses and his telescope.

7) My grandmothers and great-grandmothers on all sides, for several generations back, were all named Mary — except for the lone two named Margaret and Josephine.

6) My husband and I have every intention of moving our family to Europe in the next few years.

5) If my husband were co-starring in a film with Angelina Jolie…I would give the bastard a “get out of jail free card” right up front. No fucking around — just get right to it, goddamnit. Christ, if I were co-starring in a film with Angelie Jolie, I’D WANT TO FUCK HER.

4) I cannot eat persimmons because they taste and smell EXACTLY LIKE LOAD.

3) I think people who have more than three children in this day and age are out of their motherfucking minds. Having three children today is like having six children back when we were kids. I have three and I am completely goddamned nuts. My younger sister has five…and she tells me that every moment of every day is like living on her own special level of hell; homegirl hasn’t taken a dump alone in almost 15 years.

2) I meticulously keep every receipt I get — not because I am some uber-bookkeeper (exactly the opposite, in fact), but because you never know when you might need to produce a dated alibi. My husband, who was raised in the privileged upper-middle class as the child of academics, thinks I am crazy for my reasoning…while I consider my actions to be perfectly reasonable and logical. What I explain to him is that these safeguards are most certainly the vestiges of a working class upbringing where you never knew when you might have to cover your ass with the law.

1) Sometime in the next few months, Mama’s getting breast reduction surgery. Good-bye QuadrupleD’s…Hello Small Small B’s, motherfucker. Good-bye Iron Maidenform…Hello Never Wearing a Cocksucking Bra Again As Long As My Fatass Shall Live.

From the Austin Chronicle:

Allison Crews
by Abe Louise Young

It is with great sadness that we recognize the passing of Allison Noelle Crews, born Aug. 26, 1982. Hip mama extraordinaire, lesbian, writer, and activist, Allison was the longtime editor and producer of http://www.girlmom.com. Raised in an evangelical Christian home, Allison grew up in a family active in Operation Rescue. She birthed her son Cade at age 15, refused continual pressure to give him up for adoption, and became a powerful activist. Her story ‘When I Was Garbage’ describes her experiences as a pregnant teen. Allison was named one of Top 30 Under 30 Activists for Choice by Choice USA in 2003. Crews wrote, ‘To radically accept and defend a woman’s right to choose, we must acknowledge the multiple ways that women come to make reproductive choices. By marginalizing teenage mothers, even within the feminist community, we are failing to recognize the realities of countless women and their children.’ In addition to her work as an activist, Alli had essays in the anthology Breeder: Real Life Stories From the New Generation of Mothers edited by Ariel Gore, worked at BookWoman, and attended Austin Community College. She was a heroine who found her voice within struggle, and inspired countless young women across the nation. Allison died in her home in Austin on Saturday, June 11, 2005. We grieve the loss of a young, fiery mama whose pain persisted though she worked to heal others. We honor her dedicated spirit and wish her the deepest peace. Donations to support her son can be sent by Paypal to girlmom@gmail.com. The Chronicle offers its deepest condolences to Crews’ friends and family, who will honor her memory in services at the Presbyterian Church of Fallbrook, Calif., on Saturday, June 18, 1pm.

A lovely tribute to an obviously passionate and gifted young woman. I must admit that I didn’t know her, her work, or anything about her family background before all this happened. However, after reading this obituary, I can only say that I am now convinced that her death must surely have been accidental. I have to believe that there is no way she would ever knowingly have left her child to almost certainly be raised by the same closed-minded people who raised her. Taking into consideration the important work to which she so fiercely devoted her all too-brief life, both the travesty and tragedy of that would be inestimable.

Who’s got the cutest prom baby in the world?

Mama do.

That’s my girl, Betsy, on the right — the one who looks like Zelda Fitzgerald — and one of her best friends, Courtney, getting ready to go to their senior prom last week.

Is it possible to be head-over-heels in love with your own daughter?

Well, I am.

And how is it possible that I created this person in my belly…all those years ago? And, now…she has this whole exciting, magnificent, wondrous life…aside from the one she shares with me. How does this happen?

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Miss Sally O’Malley and I am 50 years of age. And I like to kick it, and stretch it back, and kick it again!

I love it…I love every second of it.

Actress Brooke Shields and Tom Cruise’s ongoing feud has intensified — after the Suddenly Susan star mocked the 16 year age-gap between the actor and his new girlfriend, Katie Holmes. Cruise — who has reportedly helped people fight drug addictions through his controversial Scientology religion — recently attacked Shields for becoming dependent on the anti-depressant Paxil, following the birth of her daughter Rowan. And Shields has continued her war of words against Cruise following his “dangerous” comments, by offering him a child’s ticket so he can take Holmes to see her in hit London musical Chicago. She says, “If he wants to see Chicago, I’ve left him two tickets — one adult, one child.” The actress recently took a swipe at Cruise’s religious beliefs, by saying she wouldn’t take advice from someone who devotes his life to aliens.

Thanks to everyone who has expressed interest in helping me clean up my living room by taking that Dell printer off my hands, goddamnit! And to keep it all fair and on the up and up, your names will be compiled and the drawing conducted this weekend COMPLETELY UNASSISTED BY MY WICKED, WICKED SELF.

Doing the honors will be my 11 year old son, Hunter — the most frighteningly HONEST, ETHICAL, and CUTE little bastard to walk the earth since The Baby Fucking Jesus, himself.

Think Charlie Bucket — only wearing a Yankees cap, carrying a surfboard, listening to Supergrass on an iPod, and eating Hot Cheetos.

If anyone else on my friends list is interested in rolling the bone-daddy dice for the chance to receive a brand new color printer, step right up and add your name, baby.

Thanks for playing!

This might seem like an odd question…but who needs a color printer?

We bought a new Dell computer two weeks ago, and it came with a color printer. Since we are already in posession of a printer, we now have an extra. It is a Dell 720 — never opened, still in the box.

Hmm…if more than one party lays claim to it, perhaps I shall hold a little drawing or contest or some such silliness. It’s currently taking up molecular space on the floor of my living room and I am wishing it into the cornfield.

Might anyone be interested?

[Edited to add:] To give everyone a fair chance (i.e., those who are at work or away from their computer right now and unable to check their lj’s), if you are interested in the printer, leave a comment and I will hold a little drawing or contest this weekend and announce the recipient then. Also, to those who have mentioned the issue of postage or possible proximity to picking it up…FUGGEDUHBOUDIT. Gregory and I will gladly mail it to you! Because we loveth you. And because we might need a hot meal, or a hot stock tip, or at the very least, a hot threesome from you someday. Something hot, anyway.

*eyebat with a hairflip*

Goddamn, this crazy, arrogant, self-righteous, sawed-off, messiah-complex-ridden bastard is GOIN’ DOWN — and the very best part is, he will do it ALL to himself.

And good for you, Brookie — you tell him. Like I always say regarding post-partum depression — just like abortion — until a motherfucker can get pregnant himself, he shouldn’t have a GOTTDAMNED thing to say about it.

You are cordially invited to go fuck yourself, Herr Cruise.

Oh…I guess you already are.

Shields Attacks Cruise for Criticizing Her Drug Use

Actress Brooke Shields has lambasted former pal Tom Cruise for criticizing her “misguided” use of drugs to combat her post-natal depression. Cruise — who claims to have helped people fight drug addictions through his controversial Scientology religion — recently attacked the Suddenly Susan star for becoming dependent on Paxil, following the birth of her daughter Rowan. But Shields is disgusted by the Top Gun star’s “dangerous” comments and took a swipe at his Scientology beliefs, by saying she wouldn’t take advice from someone who devotes his life to creatures from outer space. She fumes, “His comments are dangerous. He should stick to saving the world from aliens.” Shields is currently weaning herself off her medication so she and husband Chris Henchy can have another child.

Wow. It seems I was lucky enough to get a fab plug in today’s Pop Culturephile column, penned by the marvelous mama writer, Katie Allison Granju. Ms. Granju, the author of Attachment Parenting — one of the most influential and seminal titles of the modern age of parenting books — is someone whose writing and career I admire very much. She was kind enough to quote my work and to link to my recent interview on Mamaphonic.com, which was conducted by the irrepressible Stacey Greenberg of Fertile Ground Zine. Many thanks to Ms. Bee Lavender for publishing it.

I am surprised, honored, and delighted beyond belief.

I love you, Uncle Butchie.