the last will and testament of a loose woman

My lesson for the New Year? That the arrogance of assumed immunity will nail your ass every goddamned time. Trust me, strutting to and fro and silently mocking the constitutional weakness of those who have fallen ill around you does not engender any good will from whatever gods there may be. The Result: I am sick with the very first cold or flu of my entire adult life. But at least I don’t have a cough/chest thing going on. The last time I endured anything even remotely this hideous, I was seven-fucking-teen years old — and I had my tonsils out to remedy it. Yeah, that’s right — the last time I had an actual cold/flu thing going on…Duran Duran was at the top of the fucking charts, Ronald Reagan was the president of these United States, and my then perky titties looked like something other than the two beaver tails draped down the front of my chest that they now resemble. It’s positively shocking. As the marvelous actress Shelley Winters once exclaimed aloud, “Don’t look, boys — it’ll turn you gay!” God help me.

At any rate, I suspect I shall be dead soon, so please feel free to just carry on without me. To anyone whom I owe correspondence, bear with me…and accept my most miserable and hearfelt apologies. If it offers you even a sliver of comfort or solace, please know that my suffering is of biblical proportions.

However, before I expire, I would like to laboriously raise my plague-stricken head from off my feather pillow just long enough to wish a most Happy Birthday to two of my most favorite capricorn homies: and .

And to the rest of you — after I am gone…you may feed my fingertips to the wolverines. That shall be my legacy.

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one quick question

What kind of fucking kids wouldn’t murder to get one of these for Christmas?

Well, my friends…allow me to inform you as to what kind: Mine

Bastards. They just made my Christmas exponentially more difficult.

Consider me furious.

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who’s got the cutest little beastie in town?

Yeah. That’s right. Mama do.

(And do remember this darling face — as it will be designing the fabulous hipsterwear that your daughters will be relentlessly harrassing you for in about 3 years time. Where would this world be without art and beauty and the fearless, passionate youth that both create and inspire them?)

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road whore

Unfuckingbelievable. This tour has been unfuckingbelievable. We are still out on the road, Connecticut tonight and then finally, finally, finally home tomorrow…where, of course, I will have to leave for LA on Sunday night for big movie meeting on Monday. But I shan’t think about that now. And if anyone tells my ten year old son — who is already out of his motherfucking mind with despondency over my already being gone THIS long, I will murder you. Do not test me on this one.

So, it has been absolutely stunning…and I have met some amazing goddamned people in my travels — but more on all that later when I am home. Much, much more. Bee is putting her foot in my ass to leave for Grand Central Station…so I must depart now. Love to you all — with special thoughts going out to Miss Ami and her gorgeous and brilliant baby girl. You are both in my thoughts now…and in my heart.

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tricksters

Have fun trick or treating and do NOT forget to vote for the Kerry/Edwards ticket on Tuesday — or else these filthy little bastards will be back on your front porch next year…demanding Snickers bars, pissing on the candles in your jack-o-lanterns, and taking a righteous dump on your well-manicured lawns.

Happy Halloween!


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i’m only sleeping

All political partisanship aside…

how motherfucking near-death exhausted must both Bush and Kerry be right about now?

I cannot even imagine it — and I have a husband, three babies, a career, and a household to manage and maintain, as well as two chronic health conditions with which to contend.

My joints throb and my brain fogs over just thinking about it. I am glad to be just a filthy, humble writer. Most days I don’t even have to bathe or get dressed if I don’t want to. I could never hack it as a statesman…though my husband informed me tonight that I am Bono — and interestingly enough, he is not the first person to tell me that.

The strange part is…that sometimes I actually feel like Bono.

I’ll make you a deal. If I suddenly get a hankerin’ to cut my hair into a sublime Irish mullet and climb to the top of the speakers whilst waving a white flag and bellowing, “No! More! War!” — I am begging one of youse to put a hollowpoint bullet right between my Guinness-bloated eyes.

Fat, drunk, and suffering from one of the most exquisite Messiah complexes in recent history is no way to go through life, young man. Trust me on this one.

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the best

I just walked back here, and on the computer I found the following — an IM from my mother:

Mother: Honey, I have to run some errands, but could you please send me the information on your new book. Please. I’ll look forward to reading about it when I get back. Love you!

And the auto-response she got from me:

Auto response from Muffy: “Basically, if there isn’t somebody I want to fuck in a band, I couldn’t care less. Unless it’s such great abstract music it carries me away. Otherwise, if it’s a rock-and-roll band, there better be somebody fuckable or forget it.”
— Patti Smith

Having me for a child, I am sure she didn’t bat a gottdamned eye when that popped up on her screen.

My mother is SO FUCKING ALL-TALENT.

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go forth and interstitial, my child

For anybody who has cable television and might be interested…our project for the Disney Channel airs all day today and all day on Halloween. The title of the project is tied in with the release of the new Disney/Pixar film “The Incredbiles.” It’s being aired in between the network’s regular programming (in lieu of commercials, which the DC don’t do), hence the title “interstitial.” I turned on the Disney Channel today and it’s all over the gottdamned place. So odd — something that started inside our heads…is now out there.

It was a hoot to write and produce, and all the kids were marvelous to work with — I would work with them all again in a second. Best memory of the shoot? My 13 year old daughter face as she watched me waltz across the Disney parking lot with the positively darling Ricky Ullmann. To give you a clue as to her expression — just imagine, if you will, watching your own mother cackling and dancing with Simon LeBon or Davy Jones or Kurt Cobain or (insert your most favoritest teen dream crush here.)

Umm…yeah. Priceless.

Anyway, next up for Disney: Hopefully a film idea we have — which is classic, vintage, ol’ school Disney. Keep your fingers crossed for us.

Oh…and if you watch very closely today, in a couple of them you just might get to catch a glimpse of Le Muffster as “Dottie”, the 1940’s throwback telephone operator with a bouffant and an attitude. Some mighty surreal stuff, this having your face and work beamed out over the entire planet. I think I may need another cup o’ joe…with a vicodin back, even.

Thanks for listening.

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OBL

The following is an excerpt from the speech by the al-Qa’ida leader, Osama bin Laden, addressing the American people in a video, parts of which were aired by al-Jazeera television last night. From CNN:

Bin Laden: ‘Your security is in your own hands’

Friday, October 29, 2004

(CNN) — Osama bin Laden delivered a new videotaped message which aired on the Arab language network Al-Jazeera Friday. This is a transcript of his remarks as translated by CNN senior editor for Arab affairs Octavia Nasr.

You, the American people, I talk to you today about the best way to avoid another catastrophe and about war, its reasons and its consequences.

And in that regard, I say to you that security is an important pillar of human life, and that free people do not compromise their security.

Contrary to what [President George W.] Bush says and claims — that we hate freedom –let him tell us then, “Why did we not attack Sweden?” It is known that those who hate freedom don’t have souls with integrity, like the souls of those 19. May the mercy of God be upon them.

We fought with you because we are free, and we don’t put up with transgressions. We want to reclaim our nation. As you spoil our security, we will do so to you.

I wonder about you. Although we are ushering the fourth year after 9/11, Bush is still exercising confusion and misleading you and not telling you the true reason. Therefore, the motivations are still there for what happened to be repeated.

And I will talk to you about the reason for those events, and I will be honest with you about the moments the decision was made so that you can ponder. And I tell you, God only knows, that we never had the intentions to destroy the towers.

But after the injustice was so much and we saw transgressions and the coalition between Americans and the Israelis against our people in Palestine and Lebanon, it occurred to my mind that we deal with the towers. And these special events that directly and personally affected me go back to 1982 and what happened when America gave permission for Israel to invade Lebanon. And assistance was given by the American sixth fleet.

During those crucial moments, my mind was thinking about many things that are hard to describe. But they produced a feeling to refuse and reject injustice, and I had determination to punish the transgressors.

And as I was looking at those towers that were destroyed in Lebanon, it occurred to me that we have to punish the transgressor with the same — and that we had to destroy the towers in America so that they taste what we tasted, and they stop killing our women and children.

We found no difficulties in dealing with the Bush administration, because of the similarities of that administration and the regimes in our countries, half of which are run by the military and half of which are run by monarchs. And our experience is vast with them.

And those two kinds are full of arrogance and taking money illegally.

The resemblance started when [former President George H.W.] Bush, the father, visited the area, when some of our own were impressed by America and were hoping that the visits would affect and influence our countries.

Then, what happened was that he was impressed by the monarchies and the military regimes, and he was jealous of them staying in power for tens of years, embezzling the public money without any accountability. And he moved the tyranny and suppression of freedom to his own country, and they called it the Patriot Act, under the disguise of fighting terrorism. And Bush, the father, found it good to install his children as governors and leaders.

We agreed with the leader of the group, Mohammed Atta, to perform all attacks within 20 minutes before [President George W.] Bush and his administration were aware of what was going on. And we never knew that the commander-in-chief of the American armed forces would leave 50,000 of his people in the two towers to face those events by themselves when they were in the most urgent need of their leader.

He was more interested in listening to the child’s story about the goat rather than worry about what was happening to the towers. So, we had three times the time necessary to accomplish the events.

Your security is not in the hands of [Democratic presidential nominee John] Kerry or Bush or al Qaeda. Your security is in your own hands. Any nation that does not attack us will not be attacked.

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markos hears a who

“So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!”

From The Daily Kos:

Vote trading and the popular vote
by Kos
Sat Oct 30th, 2004 at 05:04:57 GMT

There are two battles being fought Tuesday. The battle for the electoral vote — which will decide the next president, and the battle for the popular vote — which will confer legitimacy on the victor.

Now I know Bush didn’t win the popular vote in 2000. We all know that. And we all know he governed as though he had a 400-EV-mandate. But fact is, a president-elect Kerry who loses the popular vote will not get the same benefit of the doubt as Bush did. The media environment is still too hostile, and the hypocrits on the Right will wield it as a tool.

If there’s one thing Kerry has done, it’s deny the Right much ammunition to use against him. We need to deny the Right the chance to delegitimize a Kerry presidency because of the popular vote. Let’s make this a clean victory all around.

That means voting for Kerry if you’re either in the Bluest of states, or the Redest of states. Every vote will count. None of this “swapping with Nader voters” stuff. So while my vote in California won’t help elect Kerry, it can help legitimize his presidency.

The world needs to hear that the majority of Americans have rejected the Bush presidency. None of us can be complacent, no matter where we live.

GOTV.

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