I just took a shower and warshed my bagine…and, now, on our way to the world famous Clifton’s Cafeteria in MIGHTY Downtown Los Angeles, my GLORIOUS GUSBAND — Miss Jackie Beat — is going to get me pregnant in the backseat of his 2009 Hyundai Sonata to the romantic strains of Rex Smith singing, “You Take My Breath Away.”
A trashy, tawdry Old Trollop…bathed in the filthy, meretricious neon lights of Hollywood Boulevard.
Because OF COURSE.
Yesterday morning: WRONG WAY, RUSH HOUR, FREEWAY CHASE WITH A GIRL DRIVER!
Little Sister is fucking BRILLIANT and CRAFTY as — with NO cops on her ass and only helicopters above — she just shrewdly and systematically made her way into the vast cement canyons of Downtown Los Angeles…and disappeared under the cover of the tall buildings and lush trees.
Here’s the breakdown: STOLEN CAR, reported electronically via LoJack. They have absolutely no idea who she is…only that she is female and crafty as a motherfucker. Her apparent plan? Turn down one of those bushy tree-lined Downtown streets, disappear from sight of the helicopters, and with NO police cruisers on her tail…park that sonofabitch in a parking structure, pull up her hoody on this chilly LA morning…put in her headphones, and just calmly walk the fuck down the street.
God, I LOVE L.A.
Because sometimes…you just need to put that gottdamned baby on the gottdamned floor and get yourself a Slurpee. I get it.
Oh, trust me: I GET IT.
This is utterly gorgeous and utterly inspiring and makes me SO proud to be a girl. These broads are COMPLETE BADASSES.
For risking their own lives in a last desperate attempt to save the lives of these over 100 terrified, noble, beautiful creatures stranded on a tiny island after a great storm…these seven FIERCE, FEARLESS, WARRIOR FUCKING HORSE PRIESTESSES both become a part of history…and enter into the realm of myth and legend.
So, take a seat, Boys…and let the Girls show you how we do shit DOWNTOWN:
Prepare to have your mane blown back…because THIS IS HOW IT’S FUCKING DONE.
WTF? Ten years already? Looks like it’s time for Mama to renew her passport.
Hmm…perhaps the crazed, pasty Right Wing Religious Fundies are right. Maybe it really IS The End of Times — because my fatass is crossing things off My Bucket List LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. This photograph represents the latest check mark…and what a THRILLING check mark it is! A trashy old hooker from Fresno…gets to meet and hang with THE Miss Rachel Carns. Yes…THAT Miss Rachel Carns. To partake of both her personal magic AND her world-famous Magic Kombucha was, quite honestly, A DREAM COME TRUE. Come and visit us in LA and let us feed you yummy food and tuck you in at night, Miss Rachel! We adore you!
At some point in her illustrious career of ass-kicking, ball-busting, spell-casting, myth-weaving, shape-shifting, and LAYING WASTE TO ALL THOSE FOOLS WHO WOULD DARE ATTEMPT TO SUBDUE HER…every bonafide, self-respecting, card-carrying, RAGING HARRIDAN at long last comes into her FULL POWER by stepping into a pair of these:
MOTHERFUCKIN’ WITCH SHOES.
Every girl should be so fucking lucky to spend her work days thusly:
Creating entire new worlds with a kind, charming, interesting, astonishing, brilliant, hilarious, degenerate genius writing partner named Doug Prochilo.
PS) Behold my new pose, Bitches: Pearls and a BLACK VELVET BOW.
Whoever it is that ultimately ends up with the Democratic nomination for President — either Hillary OR Bernie — this AWESOME, BALLSY MOTHERFUCKER right here…Illinois Congressman Luis V. Gutierrez…is MY ABSOLUTE FIRST CHOICE FOR VEEP.
Pay close attention, Mein Poppets of Kind Heart, Good Conscience, and Enlightened Mind…
Because THIS RIGHT HERE…IS HOW YOU FUCKING DO IT.
This right here…IS HOW IT’S DONE.
Gimme five minutes of your life and watch this video…and have your hair blown back and the top of your head taken off by COMPASSION, WISDOM, FEROCITY, and TRUTH.
I give you…”Mr. Gutierrez Goes To Washington.”