baby bird

HOLY SHIT my punani kicks out some BEAUTIFUL BABIES.

#iloveyoubettysue
#fiercebabybird
#fiercebabygirl
#girlpower
#wasbornaspicegirlwilldieaspicegirl
#messwithheratyourownperilthoughihavenoideahowyoulleatyour4thofjulycornonthecobwithNOFUCKINTEETH

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ernie

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#howonearthdidernestborgninegetintomybathroommirror

#yeahchuckleitupallyouperky22yearoldmotherfuckersthiswallisexactlywhereyoureheaded

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nc

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Surprising though it may seem — being that I am from Fresno, and all — I don’t yet have a single tattoo inked upon this smooth, svelte, gazelle-like body…but if my fatass WERE to go under the gun…this marvelous, meaningful design would be one I would most definitely consider:

A Wonder Woman-themed NC — because, like SO many of the FIERCE broads I know and love and with whose talent and inspiration I constantly surround myself…I am a wonder, I am a woman, and, most of all, I am a SERIOUS GOTTDAMNED NON-COMPLIANT.

#wellbehavedwomenrarelymakehistory #unreasonablewomenchangetheworld #ncthatsme #yourenotthebossofme #imbutch #allgirlstothefront

EDITED TO ADD: It has been generously pointed out to me by my friend, Miss Cricket Lee​ — an EPIC Gamer Girl who would SERIOUSLY KNOW — that this color/design scheme is not, in fact, from Wonder Woman…but MS. MARVEL! HURRAY FOR NON-COMPLIANT SUPERPOWER PUNANIS! Thank you, Miss Cricket!

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hh by an n

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There is absolutely NOTHING, Mein Poppets, like A Day At The Races — unless, of course, you’re talkin’ A Night At The Opera. Speaking of which, I just shot a two year old gelding in my Granny Panties…and how he got in my Granny Panties, I’ll NEVER know.

At any rate, “Hillbilly Horsecock By a Nose” is the name of my new Punk Thug Jug band.

Long may we rock LA.

#luckyslut #thesportofqueens #yarnandponies #knottingandtrotting #santaanita #thesmellofhorseshitinthemorning #smellslikevictory

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A

Miss Bristol Palin — eldest daughter of ex-vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin, Conservative Christian Republican, former national spokeswoman for sexual abstinence outside the sanctity of marriage, lovely young woman, and fierce teenage mother — recently announced that she is unexpectedly pregnant from an unnamed Baby Daddy yet again. All I can say to the publicly penitent Miss Bristol is this:

Listen to me, Little Sister…you don’t gotta apologize to ANY MOTHERFUCKER for ANY MOTHERFUCKING THING.

EVER.

It is what it is, you are what you are, and your life is delightfully your own. Own it. ALL OF IT — and FUCK ANYONE who attempts to judge, control, condemn, or subdue you. Delete shame and contrition from your playbook — both are WORTHLESS EMOTIONS. Grab your beautiful son, Tripp’s, little hand, take your prenatal vitamins, hold your head high…and PLAY ON…by your OWN rules.

Oh, and WELCOME TO THE CLUB, Sugar — you are now officially one of us:

A PROUD, PASSIONATE, BONAFIDE, CARD-CARRYING JEZEBEL.

And, remember…unlike your mother and her hypocritical, hairsprayed ilk:

OWN IT.

bristol-palin-tripp-palin-lifes-a-tripp-lifetime

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truth

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love

When, oh, when will the intolerant, racist, sexist, homophobic, hateful, judgmental, hypocritical, pasty-faced, doomed, DAMNED denizens of Mordor ever learn?

Inclusion, Acceptance, Peace, Celebration, Fellowship, Fabulousness, Ferocity, and TRUE LOVE will always prevail.

Always.

Now, Mein Glittering SCOTUSI:

WERQ!

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miss sandy

Everybody thinks their Mother is the most beautiful Mother in the world.

But, you see…here’s the thing:

MY MOTHER REALLY IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MOTHER IN THE WORLD.

C’mon, now. Look at these photos.

Countless BEWITCHED men have UNFURLED THEMSELVES AT HER TINY, SQUARE, FILIPINA FREDDIE FLINTSTONE FEET…like DOTING, DEVOTED, ROLLING OCEAN FOAM hurls itself endlessly at the shore. Yeah. Miss Sandy​ is a SERIOUS PIECE OF ASS.

I CLEARLY take after MY FATHER’S PEOPLE.

At any rate…I WIN.

Happy Mother’s Day to the FIERCE, FABULOUS, TALENTED, AWESOME broad who taught me to knit when I was three, and pushed me (and EIGHT other humans) into this world through her MAGNIFICENT FILIPINA BAGINE when she was still just a kid herself.

I love you, Mother! Thank you for bringing me to this place! Whatever magic that exists within me…MOST SURELY CAME FROM YOU.

“All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.” ― Abraham Lincoln

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stfu

I gotta tell you, Mein Poppets…I am just about done with EVERYBODY being offended ABOUT EVERY FUCKING THING, ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

DONE. FIN. ADIOS, MOTHERFUCKER.

I have a post on deck that I’ve been working on for awhile addressing not only this, but every other DICK MOVE issue on the motherloving planet…a little post which I affectionately refer to as, “THE ARMAGEDDON POST”, i.e., if/when I post it, HUMANKIND AS WE KNOW IT CEASES TO FUCKING EXIST.

Well, not really…but I guarantee you that a whole lot of the rotting, festering fruit that is hanging on the hanging tree that is my Facebook page will be VAPOR, baby — and this house will be CLEAN.

Can you tell that today all the GOTTDAMNED TOUCHY DOUCHE-LORDS of the world are JAMMIN’ MY FAT FREQUENCIES?

People just need to pull the uptight-Saturday-night tree trunk outta their ass, shut the fuck up with the CONSTANT HIGH DUDGEON, and just BELLY LAUGH LIKE A JACKAL. Quit taking every blithering thing so seriously and just let some shit slide, bitches.

See, here’s the deal. The harder this fucking society attempts to censor, civilize, and bowdlerize my fatass and all those like me…the HARDER and FIERCER we will push back. Trust me, Mein Haters…there is SO MUCH MORE COMING.

Count on it.

In the words of the brilliant, inimitable Oddball:

“Why don’t you knock it off with them negative waves? Why don’t you dig how beautiful it is out here? Why don’t you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?”

In the meantime…here is THE ULTIMATE MANIFESTO railing against this whole current I AM SO OFFENDED swamp through which we currently slog as a culture…written by the BRILLIANT Gilbert Gottfried.

READ IT AND WEEP….and then SHUT THE FUCK UP — and for God’s sake…have some GODDAMNED FUN.

Oh, and PS) If you honestly believe that the KIND, GENEROUS, PASSIONATE, COMPASSIONATE, BONAFIDE, TRUE-BLUE mother, actor, activist, and humanitarian — Patricia Arquette — is The Enemy…then A) You surely don’t know Patricia Arquette, B) You are DANGEROUSLY MISGUIDED, and C) Fucking UNFRIEND my FATASS.

YESTERDAY.

That is all.

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werner

“I moved to Los Angeles because my wife and I decided we had to live in the city with the most substance in the United States. And I do not regret it for a second. Don’t be misled by the superficial glitz and glamour of Hollywood. It’s the city with the most cultural substance. What I like about Los Angeles is that it allows everyone to live his or her own lifestyle. Drive around the hills and you find a Moorish castle next to a Swiss chalet sitting beside a house shaped like a UFO. There is a lot of creative energy in Los Angeles not channelled into the film business. Florence and Venice have great surface beauty, but as cities they feel like museums, whereas for me Los Angeles is the city in America with the most substance, even if it’s raw, uncouth and sometimes quite bizarre. Wherever you look is an immense depth, a tumult that resonates with me. New York is more concerned with finance than anything else. It doesn’t create culture, only consumes it; most of what you find in New York comes from elsewhere. Things actually get done in Los Angeles. Look beyond the glitz and glamour of Hollywood and a wild excitement of intense dreams opens up; it has more horizons than any other place. There is a great deal of industry in the city and a real working class; I also appreciate the vibrant presence of the Mexicans. In the last half century every significant cultural and technical trend has emerged from California, including the Free Speech Movement and the acceptance of gays and lesbians as an integral part of a dignified society, computers and the Internet, and — thanks to Hollywood — the collective dreams of the entire world.” — Film Director Werner Herzog

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Herzog in his backyard in Los Angeles

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