miss sandy

Everybody thinks their Mother is the most beautiful Mother in the world.

But, you see…here’s the thing:

MY MOTHER REALLY IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MOTHER IN THE WORLD.

C’mon, now. Look at these photos.

Countless BEWITCHED men have UNFURLED THEMSELVES AT HER TINY, SQUARE, FILIPINA FREDDIE FLINTSTONE FEET…like DOTING, DEVOTED, ROLLING OCEAN FOAM hurls itself endlessly at the shore. Yeah. Miss Sandy​ is a SERIOUS PIECE OF ASS.

I CLEARLY take after MY FATHER’S PEOPLE.

At any rate…I WIN.

Happy Mother’s Day to the FIERCE, FABULOUS, TALENTED, AWESOME broad who taught me to knit when I was three, and pushed me (and EIGHT other humans) into this world through her MAGNIFICENT FILIPINA BAGINE when she was still just a kid herself.

I love you, Mother! Thank you for bringing me to this place! Whatever magic that exists within me…MOST SURELY CAME FROM YOU.

“All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.” ― Abraham Lincoln

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stfu

I gotta tell you, Mein Poppets…I am just about done with EVERYBODY being offended ABOUT EVERY FUCKING THING, ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

DONE. FIN. ADIOS, MOTHERFUCKER.

I have a post on deck that I’ve been working on for awhile addressing not only this, but every other DICK MOVE issue on the motherloving planet…a little post which I affectionately refer to as, “THE ARMAGEDDON POST”, i.e., if/when I post it, HUMANKIND AS WE KNOW IT CEASES TO FUCKING EXIST.

Well, not really…but I guarantee you that a whole lot of the rotting, festering fruit that is hanging on the hanging tree that is my Facebook page will be VAPOR, baby — and this house will be CLEAN.

Can you tell that today all the GOTTDAMNED TOUCHY DOUCHE-LORDS of the world are JAMMIN’ MY FAT FREQUENCIES?

People just need to pull the uptight-Saturday-night tree trunk outta their ass, shut the fuck up with the CONSTANT HIGH DUDGEON, and just BELLY LAUGH LIKE A JACKAL. Quit taking every blithering thing so seriously and just let some shit slide, bitches.

See, here’s the deal. The harder this fucking society attempts to censor, civilize, and bowdlerize my fatass and all those like me…the HARDER and FIERCER we will push back. Trust me, Mein Haters…there is SO MUCH MORE COMING.

Count on it.

In the words of the brilliant, inimitable Oddball:

“Why don’t you knock it off with them negative waves? Why don’t you dig how beautiful it is out here? Why don’t you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?”

In the meantime…here is THE ULTIMATE MANIFESTO railing against this whole current I AM SO OFFENDED swamp through which we currently slog as a culture…written by the BRILLIANT Gilbert Gottfried.

READ IT AND WEEP….and then SHUT THE FUCK UP — and for God’s sake…have some GODDAMNED FUN.

Oh, and PS) If you honestly believe that the KIND, GENEROUS, PASSIONATE, COMPASSIONATE, BONAFIDE, TRUE-BLUE mother, actor, activist, and humanitarian — Patricia Arquette — is The Enemy…then A) You surely don’t know Patricia Arquette, B) You are DANGEROUSLY MISGUIDED, and C) Fucking UNFRIEND my FATASS.

YESTERDAY.

That is all.

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werner

“I moved to Los Angeles because my wife and I decided we had to live in the city with the most substance in the United States. And I do not regret it for a second. Don’t be misled by the superficial glitz and glamour of Hollywood. It’s the city with the most cultural substance. What I like about Los Angeles is that it allows everyone to live his or her own lifestyle. Drive around the hills and you find a Moorish castle next to a Swiss chalet sitting beside a house shaped like a UFO. There is a lot of creative energy in Los Angeles not channelled into the film business. Florence and Venice have great surface beauty, but as cities they feel like museums, whereas for me Los Angeles is the city in America with the most substance, even if it’s raw, uncouth and sometimes quite bizarre. Wherever you look is an immense depth, a tumult that resonates with me. New York is more concerned with finance than anything else. It doesn’t create culture, only consumes it; most of what you find in New York comes from elsewhere. Things actually get done in Los Angeles. Look beyond the glitz and glamour of Hollywood and a wild excitement of intense dreams opens up; it has more horizons than any other place. There is a great deal of industry in the city and a real working class; I also appreciate the vibrant presence of the Mexicans. In the last half century every significant cultural and technical trend has emerged from California, including the Free Speech Movement and the acceptance of gays and lesbians as an integral part of a dignified society, computers and the Internet, and — thanks to Hollywood — the collective dreams of the entire world.” — Film Director Werner Herzog

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Herzog in his backyard in Los Angeles

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word to your motherfucker

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feces week

I am felled mightily by some sort of a stomach bug. Without going into too much graphic detail…may I just say that the UNSPEAKABLE INDIGNITY OF BEING A MORTAL CREATURE OF MAUDE EXISTING IN THE MATERIAL WORLD is sometimes ENTIRELY TOO MUCH to fucking endure.

Pray for me, SEND BLEACH…and enjoy this shamelessly shitting hippo.

PS) THINK I DIDN’T?

‪#‎sprayingmyenclosure‬

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nyquilt

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From my AWESOME Number Two Gusband — The FIERCE, FABULOUS, ELEGANT Boy From Detroit, Joe Fitrzyk. He is generous, brilliant, and, apparently, PSYCHIC. Thank you, Joey Fitz! I LOVE YOU!

From The Archives:

http://muffybolding.com/2010/08/24/please-dont-wake-me-no-dont-shake-me-leave-me-where-i-am-im-only-sleeping/

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sons

Non-Negotiable Rule of Feminism #2: 

Honey, you can raise all the FIERCE, FEARLESS, FEMINIST girl children in the world…but, if you also unleash a son who is a SEXIST, MISOGYNISTIC, PATRIARCHAL PRICK WITH MEAN MINDLESS MAN MEAT DANGLIN’ BETWIXT his ENTITLED LEGS and NOTHIN’ AT ALL DANGLIN’ BETWIXT HIS DOUCHELORD EARS…in a Universal sense, you pretty much cancel the SHEER AWESOMEOSITY of your girl OUT.

In other words…as parents who have been charged with the sacred, vital task of raising decent, kind, enlightened human beings to people the planet — just know that you will be DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the unimaginable suffering of others, PARTICULARLY WOMEN and GIRLS. 

In other words…you had ONE FUCKING JOB…and YOU FUCKING FAIL.

‪#‎getwiththemotherlovingprogram‬
‪#‎girlstothefront‬

“We’ve begun to raise daughters more like sons… but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters.”
― Gloria Steinem

GloriaSteinem

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brunch bitches

DELIGHTFULLY DELICIOUS Drag Queen Bingo with my FAVORITE BRUNCH BIATCH, Miss Jackie Beat!

‪#‎therearemanygusbandsintheworldbutthisoneismine‬

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brunch love

Attending Sunday Drag Queen Bingo Brunch in Burbank in order to eat stacks of pancakes, fistfuls of bacon, and see MY TWO TRUE LOVE — Miss Jackie Beat! — with MY ONE TRUE LOVE — Gregory!

‪#‎cutejewboy‬
‪#‎fingeredunderthetable‬
‪#‎luckyslut‬

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hot

When I am at Starbucks placing the order for my usual — a large soy latte — when the barista inevitably asks me, “Would you like that iced or hot, Miss?”, I ALWAYS look them straight in the eye and answer, “Hot. LIKE ME.”

Then they inevitably belly laugh in surprise and delight and I add, “Honey, when you’re old and fat and a COMPLETE piece of ass like I am, you can TOTALLY say that, too. Trust me, I’ve earned it, Darling. I AM FUCKING HOT.”

‪#‎oldbitchesruletheworld‬
‪#‎oldbroadstothefront‬

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