Unbelievably enough (considering that I have BEAT THE FATASS OF THAT BASTARD SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM and am only 27, myself) , my three beautiful babies are 27, 23, and 20…and every single Thanksgiving since their births, they have had this orange Jello salad sitting on their abundant plates, a dish that is TOTALLY a vestige of American, Mid-Century, Thanksgivings past.

It was, however, NOT by MY doing. This deliciousness — which is made up of orange Jello, mandarin oranges, pineapple, and bananas — was the creation of their beloved, wonderful Grandmother Bonnie…whose sole purpose in life was her kitchen, her cooking, and her lucky, lucky grandchildren. Additionally (and OF COURSE), on every Christmas dinner table sat this dish’s festive color-appropriate counterpart: RED Jello with strawberries and bananas. Over the years, she made EVERY single one of their holidays special, delicious, cozy, and memorable.

We unexpectedly lost Bonnie (who was my fabulous first husband’s mother) in May of last year — a profound loss that continues to reverberate throughout all of our lives, but especially so during The Holidays. The loss to her husband, Ray, her son, Dennis, her new daughter-in-law, Jerri, myself, my children, and everyone who ever knew her is INCALCULABLE, and facing yet another Thanksgiving without her is UNIMAGINABLE, particularly because her birthday itself randomly fell on Thanksgiving for so many years of our lives.

But, as we do in life, we shall push on, making new memories…and, in honor of her kind, loving, giving, cooking, baking, beautiful self…every year, I shall make this dish for my own Thanksgiving table…and when my children eat it, they will think of her and her great, great heart…which was so often expressed through her great, great cooking.

Happy Birthday, Sweet Bonnie Mae.

We miss you…and we remember you.

You are here.


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altadena represent

GORGEOUS, NOBLE, MAJESTIC, Big Pink Vagina Mountain that watches over me and my little family like a sentinel…keeping us safe. Always.



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I post this poem tonight for our great friends — Jamie Hebert and Alec Mapa — and their BEAUTIFUL, MAGICAL, LOVING, BELOVED son, Zion Hebert-Mapa…who is ADORED and CHERISHED by a vast network of proud, honorary Aunties and Uncles, myself so fortunately included.

We love you SO MUCH, Alec and Jamie — you are among the best parents I have EVER known — and to answer the plaintive, sorrowful question Alec asked aloud on his Facebook page tonight — a night when a jury in Ferguson, Missouri decided that the life of a young black man and justice for his grieving, shattered family did not matter in the least — “How on earth will I protect my son?”, I offer you the only answer I am able:

All who love you, Alec and Jamie and Zion — and trust me, there are MANY — WILL DO EVERYTHING IN OUR POWER TO HELP YOU KEEP HIM SAFE, and that includes voting out of office ANY politician or official who perpetuates the entrenched, insidious, institutional racism that continues to exist, continues to thrive, and is precisely what allowed this travesty of justice to occur tonight.

So, for Zion…and Michael Brown…and ALL the young black men in this country whose lives and futures and hopes and dreams DO matter:

I, Too, Sing America

I, too, sing America.
I am the darker brother.
They send me to eat in the kitchen
When company comes,
But I laugh,
And eat well,
And grow strong.
I’ll be at the table
When company comes.
Nobody’ll dare
Say to me,
“Eat in the kitchen,”
They’ll see how beautiful I am
And be ashamed—
I, too, am America.

– Langston Hughes, 1902 – 1967



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my will be done

To all those whom it may concern — I have contacted my attorney and added a new ironclad codicil to my last will and testament…with regards to My Framily. These are my wishes:

After Gregory and my three babies get their share of my adorable ashes, my remaining cremains are to be divided and dispersed among the six beloved members of My Framily, with the following specific and exacting instructions to be carried out by each of them:

Jackie is to put her share of me into a vintage Bauhaus tea infuser, steep me in an old, gold, porcelain dragon, Ching-Chongery tea cup full of hot Evian water, add a little stevia, put on her pajamas and, “Valley of The Dolls”, and with ALL three dogs snuggled on her lap…DRINK ME.

Mario is to use his precious gym membership card to lovingly chop down and lay out a huge rail of me on the rock hard ass of a beautiful young hustler boy named Hud…and SNORT ME.

Travis is to book a room at The Chelsea Hotel, cook me down in a vintage, sterling silver Tiffany spoon, draw me up into a junk rig once owned by William Burroughs…and SHOOT ME.

Selene is to roll me up in a big, fat, Bob Marley-lookin’ blunt as tall as she is…and SMOKE ME.

Adrian is to cook me up in a giant paella pan full of Cuban Arroz Con Pollo…and EAT ME.

And Nadya is to mix me up with a cup of vinegar, a cup of water, squat — EXACTLY like she is doing in this photo, belt out a chorus of, “Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves” at the top of her lungs…and DOUCHE ME.

Take me, I’M YOURS.

Drink me, snort me, shoot me, eat me, douche me, lick me, smoke me, poke me, stroke me, toke me, coke me, joke me, choke me, and, for the love of Maude, don’t forget to fucking INVOKE ME…for this is my body.

So it is written…SO IT SHALL BE DONE, BITCHES.


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strictly horseshit

Inane Asshole Muff COMPLETELY True Fact #694: I actually had to clutch my pearls, close my eyes, take a deep breath, wipe my tears, light candles, and pray to St. Judy and St. Liza for strength and guidance — so that I might be able to just get the fuck over myself and my profound disappointment when it became irrefutably evident that my only gottdamned son is STRAIGHT.

Life can be SO CRUEL.


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Inane Muff Fact #719:

When I was little, I used to watch The Waltons every Thursday night without fail. I was OBSESSED. But, regardless of what dire, Depression-era tragedy happened to be unfolding on Walton’s Mountain on any given week, I still could NOT take my fucking eyes off John Boy’s mole. I was transfixed by it. It controlled my every thought and move. It altered me on a cellular level. It changed my view of the Universe itself and my minuscule place in it. That mole was EVERYTHING to me.



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Inane HORRIFYING Muff Realization #272:

On this day, October 20th, 2014…I am FUCKING OLDER than motherloving ALL-TALENT old lady Jean Stapleton was as Edith Bunker on, “All In The Family.”

Holy shit.



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See, here’s the deal. The harder this fucking society attempts to civilize and bowdlerize my fatass…the HARDER and FIERCER I will push back. Trust me, Mein Haters…there is SO MUCH MORE COMING.

Count on it.


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Yeah. Mama has fucking HAD IT with all this annoying, precious, fetishized, commodified, overblown, HORSESHIT, 21st Century parenting.

Children who are a COMPLETE imposition on the lives of their TERRIFIED, FECKLESS parents.

Children who are pushed and stressed and over-scheduled and NEVER allowed nor encouraged to just SIT and THINK and FEEL and BE.

Children who are never taught the RICH FULFILLMENT and VELVETY BLISS that is simple solitude…nor the awareness or appreciation of the MULTITUDES THAT JUST THEY THEMSELVES CONTAIN.

Children who will wake up one day when they are 40 to find that they are EXPERT fugitives from THEMSELVES.

Children who are NEVER allowed to lose or fail and thusly NEVER learn how to do either with grace and dignity…and who will NEVER learn that losing and failing can be the GREATEST GODDAMNED GIFT you will ever receive.

Children who are raised with kid gloves like PRIZE VEAL.



Me, I subscribe to the Roseanne Barr school of raising children…and my larvae turned out JUST FINE:

“If those kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work…I DONE MY FUCKIN’ JOB.”


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