“If you Call Me” Meme

If you call me…

Nay Nay…you are probably one of my vast legions of nieces and nephews. To them, I am Auntie Nay Nay – and they know to give up the kisses to Auntie Nay Nay, goddamnit.

Pussy…you are my darling mother. I also call her Pussy. Do not ask.

Butch or Butchina…you are my best friend, Billy — whom I also call Butch.

Lucy or Stinkaletta…you are my other best friend, Tania – whom I call either Satania or Ethel.

Jackaline…you are one of The Jackals – my decadent, brilliant posse of artists, shitkickers, nihilists, carnies, and thieves. Well, not really thieves – but we do still rob houses.

Sallie…you are my most precious sister, Jennifer – whom I call Rita Shuklian, The Queen of the Armenian Princesses.

Rat…you are my most child-like sister, Jill – whom I call Hee-Yay (the phonetic and fucking UGLY Spanish pronunciation of Jill.)

Ho…you are my most normal sister, Cindy — whom I call Mo. No reason; just Mo.

Polly…then you are either a producer or director or a member of a Romanian film crew. In that case, I probably smile sweetly and call you some vile, vulgar, godless word in Romanian whose closest English translation would probably be “cocksucker.” Thanks for teaching this little American girl all the most “important” words to use on set, boys.

Bitch-hawg…then you are my old friend, Kirby – whom I call Birk.

Mommy, Mama, Mother, Mima…you are one of my three babies – whom I call Beastie, Goatlips, and Ottie.

Miff…then you are, specifically, my 9 year old son – whom I also call The Little Dude Who Carries the Light.

Mouse, Mousekers, Moushkers, Mousie Lou, Lousie Moo, Spouse Mouse, Miffy Mouse, Baby Mouse, Sweet Baby Mouse, Muffles, Snuffles, Snuffly, Bipples, Bipply, Bip, Flopsy, Bunny, Bunnio, Bunny Rabbit, Bunny Buttio, Kitty Cat, Scooter, Scooby, Scoobetha, Scoobiter of Justice, Petunia, Sweet Potato, Pretty Girl, Baby, Honey, Sweetie…then you are my most choice husband – whom I affectionately and simply call “My Cute Pig”.