call me al

“If you Call Me” Meme

If you call me…

Nay Nay…you are probably one of my vast legions of nieces and nephews. To them, I am Auntie Nay Nay – and they know to give up the kisses to Auntie Nay Nay, goddamnit.

Pussy…you are my darling mother. I also call her Pussy. Do not ask.

Butch or Butchina…you are my best friend, Billy — whom I also call Butch.

Lucy or Stinkaletta…you are my other best friend, Tania – whom I call either Satania or Ethel.

Jackaline…you are one of The Jackals – my decadent, brilliant posse of artists, shitkickers, nihilists, carnies, and thieves. Well, not really thieves – but we do still rob houses.

Sallie…you are my most precious sister, Jennifer – whom I call Rita Shuklian, The Queen of the Armenian Princesses.

Rat…you are my most child-like sister, Jill – whom I call Hee-Yay (the phonetic and fucking UGLY Spanish pronunciation of Jill.)

Ho…you are my most normal sister, Cindy — whom I call Mo. No reason; just Mo.

Polly…then you are either a producer or director or a member of a Romanian film crew. In that case, I probably smile sweetly and call you some vile, vulgar, godless word in Romanian whose closest English translation would probably be “cocksucker.” Thanks for teaching this little American girl all the most “important” words to use on set, boys.

Bitch-hawg…then you are my old friend, Kirby – whom I call Birk.

Mommy, Mama, Mother, Mima…you are one of my three babies – whom I call Beastie, Goatlips, and Ottie.

Miff…then you are, specifically, my 9 year old son – whom I also call The Little Dude Who Carries the Light.

Mouse, Mousekers, Moushkers, Mousie Lou, Lousie Moo, Spouse Mouse, Miffy Mouse, Baby Mouse, Sweet Baby Mouse, Muffles, Snuffles, Snuffly, Bipples, Bipply, Bip, Flopsy, Bunny, Bunnio, Bunny Rabbit, Bunny Buttio, Kitty Cat, Scooter, Scooby, Scoobetha, Scoobiter of Justice, Petunia, Sweet Potato, Pretty Girl, Baby, Honey, Sweetie…then you are my most choice husband – whom I affectionately and simply call “My Cute Pig”.

About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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13 Responses to call me al

  1. If I call you Betty, you can caaalllll meeeeeee Alllllllll! (Call me Alllllllll)!

  2. blackthorne6 says:

    I wanna hear more about those jackals..

  3. muffybolding says:

    raj, baby, my man…
    have i underwhelmed you — or OVERwhelmed you? talk to me, here, motherfucker. we can work this out.

  4. muffybolding says:

    Re: wow…
    you see, the problem with telling you more is that then i would open us ALL up for federal prosecution, lord blackthorne. somehow i don’t guess that you’d be very happy living as san quentin quail.
    and yes…it’s THAT bad. it’s EPIC. it’s godless — and it may even involve goats, crisco, boone’s farm strawberry wine, a dog-eared copy of the wasteland, and an utter disdain for simple human decency. but of this, i can speak no more.
    (now that i hear there’s an interest from the orchestra seats, i shall most definitely post a little more about the jackals in times to come, doll. for you…ANYTHING)

  5. blackthorne6 says:

    Re: wow…
    goats, crisco, boone’s farm strawberry wine, a dog-eared copy of the wasteland, and an utter disdain for simple human decencyWow..reminds me of church camp.

  6. muffybolding says:

    Re: wow…
    reminds me of church camp.
    brilliant! i love brilliance!
    oh…and you made me SPIT COFFEE. you get extra points for that, lord blackthorne. =:-)

  7. blackthorne6 says:

    Re: wow…
    *tips hat*
    twert nuttin ma’am.
    I gotta mosey on along…
    *sound of boots and spurs*

  8. raj_in_usa says:

    I’m taken by the absence of the Shah family endearment.. “fucwad”.

  9. raj_in_usa says:

    Re: wow…
    …that poor shetland.

  10. mommacherry says:

    aww! my mom called me puss! noone ever got that but its cool!

  11. blackthorne6 says:

    Re: wow…
    Hey! It’s an economy horse!!

  12. beelavender says:

    Re: wow…
    I went to church camp. My bunkmates were caught playing ‘light as a feather’ and accused of satan worship. Even though I wasn’t present at the time (and in fact was ostracized by my bunkmates) I was punished right along with them. We had to go to each cabin and apologize personally for worshiping satan, and then at campfire that evening we were publicly vilified.

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