TEN FIRSTS

First Best Friend: Christianne Berry. Her mother, Alice, was our French teacher; Alice was a French/Egyptian woman who wore curly-toed genie shoes and HUGE bejeweled rings. She fucking rocked…and so did her daughter. She was the first important Libra in my life — consequently, there have been many. Librans and Geminis verily surround and inspire me at all times.

First Screen Name: SPlath

First Pet: A pound dog named Queenie. She died when I was three. Upon being told of her death, I went outside in the freezing cold, stood on the back porch, and intently watched the sky so that I might witness her ascension to heaven. This is also one of my earliest memories.

First Piercing: My ears when I was two. My mother did them with ice and a needle and thread in the kitchen of our row house in Rochester, New York. Very Sicilian.

First Crush: Davy Jones from The Monkees.

First Record: Aside from every goddamned Disney musical record available on the market, The Beach Boys “Pet Sounds.”

First Car: Neon yellow and black Pontiac Ventura. It was my sweet Honeybee of Freedom. I have no idea what year it was.

First Love: Marc Bradley. I was 15. He looked exactly like Ethan Hawke. The first time I saw Dead Poet’s Society, I got lightheaded from sheer nostalgic lovesickness. Another Libra.

First stuffed animal: An old school Raggedy Anne — the sunshine of my very existence.

NINE LASTS

Last Alcoholic Beverage: Can’t remember. Booze just ain’t my bag, baby. I’m all about the clarity.

Last Car ride: Monday morning…driving back from annual, wild, crimes-against-humanity Halloween Bachannalia/Jackalfest in L.A.

Last Movie Saw: “Capote” last week with my intellectual yenta mother-in-law. It was fucking brilliant.

Last Phone Call: Talked to my true love, Gregory.

Last CD Played: Blitzen Trapper.

Last Bubble bath: A few months ago…before the surgery. I’m about due. And since I live for yummy, smelly stuff, I need to try this Lush product that everybody is always raving about. Turn me on, kids! Show me the way!

Last time you cried: I cry very nearly everyday. There is too much beauty and profundity in my life for me not to.

EIGHT HAVE YOU EVERS

Have you ever dated one of your best friends: No…though a few of my honeys eventually BECAME best friends of mine.

Have you ever been arrested? No comment (you’ll just have to read the fucking book, now won’t you?)

Have you ever skinny dipped: No.

Have you ever been on TV: Too many times to remember.

Have you ever kissed someone, and then regretted it? No.

Have you ever had a sex dream about someone? Gosh, yes.

Have you ever had sex? You gotta be fuckin’ kidding me with this.

SEVEN THINGS YOU ARE WEARING

1. Sage green and floral cotton nightgown
2. White cotton chonies
3. Wedding/engagement rings
4. Soft navy blue slippers
5. Johnson’s Baby Lotion
6. Tangerine essential oil

SIX THINGS YOU’VE DONE TODAY

1. Drank yummy coffee
2. Fed the babies
3. Cleaned up the kitchen
4. Read some of a film study about the making of “A Hard Day’s Night” and a magnificent history book, “The Crusades” by Zoe Oldenbourg
5. Worked
6. Helped babies with homework

FIVE FAVORITE THINGS IN NO ORDER

1. My cute babies
2. Gregory
3. My best friends, The Jackals
4. Good books, good films, good food, good conversation
5. Left-handed men

FOUR PEOPLE YOU CAN TELL ALMOST ANYTHING TO

1. Gregory
2. Jackie
3. Jennifer
4. Peter

THREE CHOICES

1. Black or White: Black
2. Hot or Cold: Cold
3. Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla

TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE

1. Sniff the fragrant heads of my future grandbabies. I frequently speak aloud to them…even now. Oh, and in a FULL-ON Scottish accent.
2. Live in England.

ONE THING YOU REGRET

At the last minute, changing my second daughter’s name to “Hannah.” Her name was supposed to be Lucy. She IS Lucy, for chrissake. I fucking call her Lucy, anyway. Oh, and not getting my gottdamned titties done YEARS ago.