TEN FIRSTS

First Best Friend: Christianne Berry. Her mother, Alice, was our French teacher; Alice was a French/Egyptian woman who wore curly-toed genie shoes and HUGE bejeweled rings. She fucking rocked…and so did her daughter. She was the first important Libra in my life — consequently, there have been many. Librans and Geminis verily surround and inspire me at all times.

First Screen Name: SPlath

First Pet: A pound dog named Queenie. She died when I was three. Upon being told of her death, I went outside in the freezing cold, stood on the back porch, and intently watched the sky so that I might witness her ascension to heaven. This is also one of my earliest memories.

First Piercing: My ears when I was two. My mother did them with ice and a needle and thread in the kitchen of our row house in Rochester, New York. Very Sicilian.

First Crush: Davy Jones from The Monkees.

First Record: Aside from every goddamned Disney musical record available on the market, The Beach Boys “Pet Sounds.”

First Car: Neon yellow and black Pontiac Ventura. It was my sweet Honeybee of Freedom. I have no idea what year it was.

First Love: Marc Bradley. I was 15. He looked exactly like Ethan Hawke. The first time I saw Dead Poet’s Society, I got lightheaded from sheer nostalgic lovesickness. Another Libra.

First stuffed animal: An old school Raggedy Anne — the sunshine of my very existence.

NINE LASTS

Last Alcoholic Beverage: Can’t remember. Booze just ain’t my bag, baby. I’m all about the clarity.

Last Car ride: Monday morning…driving back from annual, wild, crimes-against-humanity Halloween Bachannalia/Jackalfest in L.A.

Last Movie Saw: “Capote” last week with my intellectual yenta mother-in-law. It was fucking brilliant.

Last Phone Call: Talked to my true love, Gregory.

Last CD Played: Blitzen Trapper.

Last Bubble bath: A few months ago…before the surgery. I’m about due. And since I live for yummy, smelly stuff, I need to try this Lush product that everybody is always raving about. Turn me on, kids! Show me the way!

Last time you cried: I cry very nearly everyday. There is too much beauty and profundity in my life for me not to.

EIGHT HAVE YOU EVERS

Have you ever dated one of your best friends: No…though a few of my honeys eventually BECAME best friends of mine.

Have you ever been arrested? No comment (you’ll just have to read the fucking book, now won’t you?)

Have you ever skinny dipped: No.

Have you ever been on TV: Too many times to remember.

Have you ever kissed someone, and then regretted it? No.

Have you ever had a sex dream about someone? Gosh, yes.

Have you ever had sex? You gotta be fuckin’ kidding me with this.

SEVEN THINGS YOU ARE WEARING

1. Sage green and floral cotton nightgown
2. White cotton chonies
3. Wedding/engagement rings
4. Soft navy blue slippers
5. Johnson’s Baby Lotion
6. Tangerine essential oil

SIX THINGS YOU’VE DONE TODAY

1. Drank yummy coffee
2. Fed the babies
3. Cleaned up the kitchen
4. Read some of a film study about the making of “A Hard Day’s Night” and a magnificent history book, “The Crusades” by Zoe Oldenbourg
5. Worked
6. Helped babies with homework

FIVE FAVORITE THINGS IN NO ORDER

1. My cute babies
2. Gregory
3. My best friends, The Jackals
4. Good books, good films, good food, good conversation
5. Left-handed men

FOUR PEOPLE YOU CAN TELL ALMOST ANYTHING TO

1. Gregory
2. Jackie
3. Jennifer
4. Peter

THREE CHOICES

1. Black or White: Black
2. Hot or Cold: Cold
3. Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla

TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE

1. Sniff the fragrant heads of my future grandbabies. I frequently speak aloud to them…even now. Oh, and in a FULL-ON Scottish accent.
2. Live in England.

ONE THING YOU REGRET

At the last minute, changing my second daughter’s name to “Hannah.” Her name was supposed to be Lucy. She IS Lucy, for chrissake. I fucking call her Lucy, anyway. Oh, and not getting my gottdamned titties done YEARS ago.

About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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31 Responses to

  1. yeshiveh says:

    I thought you were dead. Who knew parading around your new magumbos would be so time consuming.

  2. ixzist says:

    that’s only 9 firsts! i feel cheated!

  3. muffybolding says:

    you have NO IDEA, chicago.
    =:-)
    and there are big changes immediately ahead for me and these new fucking magumbos. watch this space for details.
    xoxo

  4. muffybolding says:

    what the fuck? well, i’ll be goddamned. okay, so give me another “first” and i shall answer it post haste. it’s all on you, doll. query away!

  5. bigfatmama says:

    i told leroy tonight that if he was a girl he would have been lucy! you freak me out!

  6. muffybolding says:

    i love you! i miss you! we chose the same girl’s name! great minds think alike!

  7. ixzist says:

    first serious injury

  8. muffybolding says:

    You are probably not going to believe this, but I have never had one. I am psychically exuberant…and physically timid — always have been. i did not learn how to swim or ride a bike until i was TEN. So, unless you count three c-sections, I have never been seriously, or even moderately, injured. great question, though!
    xoxo

  9. wabash says:

    That tidbit sounds juicy..
    I am so happy to see you around here again!
    Love you, missed you!

  10. ixzist says:

    i guess the c-sections count as injuries, in an odd sort of way.

  11. muffybolding says:

    hey, tootsie! good to see you! hope all is well with you and the family.
    muchos besos.
    xoxo

  12. yeshiveh says:

    That’s Chicago AND Harvard, woman!
    I eagerly await for you to show me where babies feed.

  13. Your posts are always good to read.

  14. muffybolding says:

    really? gosh, sometimes i worry that they are squirrely and drivelous. but i am glad to hear that you enjoy the bastards, miss venal — cuz you are fucking ALL talent.
    xoxo

  15. tracijean says:

    O Ethan Hawke!!
    xoxo

  16. mamaste says:

    flying fox shower gel smells so sweet that I make an exception to my no-detergents rule to use it.

  17. lesli says:

    That was great….thanks for sharing. I would LOVE to go to the Halloween bash some year. Happy day to you.

  18. abrichar says:

    Yay for loving left-handed people! I am one, and I’m surrounded by them in everyday life. And, in fact, tonight I’m off to a book release party for A Left Hand Turn Around the World.

  19. muffybolding says:

    YES. ethan hawke. *sigh* it’s too bad that he now looks like a toothless, baggied-out junky. but he WAS beautiful, wasn’t he? i wonder how ol’ marc held up. i have googled his ass, but to no avail. he probably looks like a toothless, baggied-out junky, as well. perhpas it’s best that i never see his face again. that way, he will always be 15, unlined, and sublime.
    xoxo

  20. muffybolding says:

    okay, so where do i get this stuff? i am positively enamored of all lotions and potions that smell yummy. clue a bitch in, wouldja?
    =:-)
    xoxo

  21. muffybolding says:

    hey, all you have to do is get thine hiney down here around halloween time and you are IN, baby! we came to the conclusion that the only was we can top ourselves next year is HUMAN FUCKING SACRIFICE.
    think we won’t?
    =;-)
    thanks for stopping by, tootsie. and a happy happy day to you, as well!
    xoxo

  22. muffybolding says:

    Yay for loving left-handed people! I am one, and I’m surrounded by them in everyday life.
    of course you are, because you verily rock, baby! though i myself am a righty, i am completely obsessed with left-handed people. my husband is a lefty, as are many others whose brainworkings i find absolutely fascinating, i,e, jon stewart, cobain, etc. do let me know how the book is — i might just have to procure one for my collection. sheesh, i’m such an obsessive freak.
    muchos besos to you, my fine lady — right on your left hand, too!
    xoxo

  23. abrichar says:

    The author’s a friend of a friend, which means nothing as to whether it’s going to be a good book, but that plus the fact that he’s a local author does impact my willingness to be a good egg and buy a copy or two. If you want, email me your snail mail address and I’ll send you a copy. No guarantees whatsoever as to quality, but hey — it’s not often that any book is a true waste of time. Give anyone a couple hundred pages worth of space and they’re bound to come up with a nugget or two that speak to someone.

  24. muffybolding says:

    oh, yippee! a new book! the absolute joy of my existence! and about lefties, even! thank you, miss amanda!
    muffy bolding
    po box 180425
    coronado, CA
    92178
    i look forward to reading it, honey. thank you, thank you, thank you. and have fun tonight. i adore powells — it is my mecca.
    =:-)
    xoxo

  25. chreebomb says:

    i’m left-handed and my name is lucy. who rocks!?
    😉

  26. muffybolding says:

    oh, christ — YOU DO! what a resume! consider me filthy jealous.
    xoxo

  27. Are you doin’ some Harvard summer school shizznit? I did it before I went off to college and dug it big time.

  28. I just had a strange reaction to your userpic from a co-worker. Who, what, where?
    And that aside, when do we get to see the new breastilicious you?

  29. yeshiveh says:

    That and a satellite program from Chicago. I’m enrolled six units at Harvard for spring and six at UIC for spring as well.

  30. abrichar says:

    OK, book in hand. Watch your mailbox next week!
    I must confess, the party wasn’t at Powell’s proper. It was at my friend Beth’s wine bar. However, I might be able to at least scrape up a Powell’s bookmark to give the illusion of a visit.
    Hey, speaking of which… when are you coming back to Portland???

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