*yawn* your standard dear john letter…how very common of me

Lawdie, lawdie, lawdie…there has been FAR too much drama around here lately for MY fatass. And as much as I wish I could play, no can do. As little Georgie Harrison used to so brilliantly say before he was dead, rotting, and stinking in the earth: it’s all too much for me to take. I sincerely apologize, but between moving and working and babies and life, I just don’t have the time nor the energy for it. I am but a poor and humble carny girl who has already survived more than her share of restraint, discord, tiptoeing, and fisticuffs. It’s my party and I just wanna have fun, goddamnit. And, I will.

So…here is my most genuine and heartfelt offer: If I and my Facebook or blog in ANYWAY offend, anger, shock, or even bore the living shit out of you…then this is your chance to make a clean getaway with ABSOLUTELY NO HARD FEELINGS WHATSOEVER. Not that there would be hard feelings at any other time…but now I am just openly laying my offer of total and complete no-fault, no-explanation-required amnesty on the virtual table around which we all sit. If what I do and say here frequently causes you to catch your breath and clutch your pearls (and not in a good way), I beg of you to step away — as it is probably not going to get any better. In fact, as I progress with the writing of my book, it will most likely get WORSE, seeing that I will probably be trying a few things out here first. My intent is not to piss anybody off, my intent is to tell the truth; MY TRUTH. If you can’t or don’t wish to deal with that, we do, in fact, have a children’s table available for those with more tender sensibilities — though the menu there will be cut back quite a bit to include merely some savory little finger foods and tiny confectionary treats.

Along with that offer, I am also going to have to go back on a pledge I made to myself when I started this thing: Because of the inexplicable and soul-sucking drama that inevitably ensues, it has always been my policy here to not unfriend people except under majorly rare and extenuating circumstances (like they have been uncovered as a shameless molester of beloved family pets, or that they are, in fact, dead — and even then sometimes I choose to keep them around just for shits and giggles…but of this, I shall certainly speak no more.)

But the problem is that my friends list has gotten so large and so unwieldy that I am having a difficult time keeping up with all of it. So, with that being said, I am probably going to go through my friends list and do a little cleaning up regarding those who don’t post very much (or at all) and/or those with whom I share very little in the way of communion. There is not enough time in this life, out of some misplaced sense of obligation, to keep company with people who are not of interest to you or for whom you feel no great sense of affection. That’s a sword, of course, that cuts both ways.

So, if you somehow made a profound error in friending me all those many moons ago — thinking this was going to be humor and social commentary on the level of rainbows and unicorns and sweet, chuckling, cartwheeling clownies (as opposed to the MOCKING, LEERING, TOOTHLESS, PAGLIACCI MIDWAY MOTHERFUCKERS you find lurking around MY gottdamned corners) — then I beseech you, noble friend, to take your glorious forsworn destiny into your own hands, step up to them clicky buttons, and boldly correct that mistake now. DO IT NOW. I am sure we will all feel the better for it.

Res ipsa loquitur.

And vaya con dias. (Go with the Gal)

Thank you for your very precious time…and now, back to our regularly scheduled programme of treachery, heresy, profanity, and deceit.

About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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76 Responses to *yawn* your standard dear john letter…how very common of me

  1. ixzist says:

    i get a serious kick in the pants from your journal. keep me on the friendslist, please.

  2. ixzist says:

    i get a serious kick in the pants from your journal. keep me on the friendslist, please.

  3. livsmama says:

    I clutch my pearls and gasp, but in a very very good way. Please let me keep reading what you write m’dear!

  4. livsmama says:

    I clutch my pearls and gasp, but in a very very good way. Please let me keep reading what you write m’dear!

  5. mamaste says:

    oh, honey. is this about that fat thing? I have a real cute cashmere maternity sweater you can have, don’t worry.
    stinging pigs would have been cooler, is all!

  6. mamaste says:

    oh, honey. is this about that fat thing? I have a real cute cashmere maternity sweater you can have, don’t worry.
    stinging pigs would have been cooler, is all!

  7. It getting worse can only mean that it’s getting better, which I wouldn’t have thought possible! Bravo.

  8. It getting worse can only mean that it’s getting better, which I wouldn’t have thought possible! Bravo.

  9. dcart says:

    I’m really looking forward to seeing it get worse. I only wish you’d promised to make it so rather than hedging and saying it will most likely get worse. 🙂

  10. dcart says:

    I’m really looking forward to seeing it get worse. I only wish you’d promised to make it so rather than hedging and saying it will most likely get worse. 🙂

  11. muffybolding says:

    HA! you just made me belly laugh OUT LOUD! and i’ll take you up on that cashmere maternity sweater offer, goddamnit! when it comes to inheriting the sweaters of those whom i aspire to be, I GOT NO SHAME.
    you fucking ROCK my world, bi-otch. i so wanna be YOU when i grow up.
    =:-)
    xoxo

  12. muffybolding says:

    HA! you just made me belly laugh OUT LOUD! and i’ll take you up on that cashmere maternity sweater offer, goddamnit! when it comes to inheriting the sweaters of those whom i aspire to be, I GOT NO SHAME.
    you fucking ROCK my world, bi-otch. i so wanna be YOU when i grow up.
    =:-)
    xoxo

  13. Dude, I just got here and all, and after getting some backstory am totally down with whatever you have planned, if you’ll have me.

  14. Dude, I just got here and all, and after getting some backstory am totally down with whatever you have planned, if you’ll have me.

  15. charris says:

    do NOT cut me, missy! or, or, or…! Now I know I just posted that I’ll be posting less frequently, but I WILL be reading and you can certainly subscribe to my feed. I’ll make it worth your while. Maybe. Ha!

  16. charris says:

    do NOT cut me, missy! or, or, or…! Now I know I just posted that I’ll be posting less frequently, but I WILL be reading and you can certainly subscribe to my feed. I’ll make it worth your while. Maybe. Ha!

  17. Please don’t cut my regularly scheduled programme of treachery, heresy, profanity, and deceit! I’d like to sit at the grown up table with the MOCKING, LEERING, PAGLIACCI MIDWAY MOTHERFUCKERS, please.
    Looking forward to seeing it get worse!

  18. Please don’t cut my regularly scheduled programme of treachery, heresy, profanity, and deceit! I’d like to sit at the grown up table with the MOCKING, LEERING, PAGLIACCI MIDWAY MOTHERFUCKERS, please.
    Looking forward to seeing it get worse!

  19. manoman says:

    You didn’t convince me to leave. I love your journal entries.

  20. manoman says:

    You didn’t convince me to leave. I love your journal entries.

  21. wabash says:

    I hope I didn’t offend with comparing you to an old broad. I hope you know that I love you and will cry if you dump me.

  22. wabash says:

    I hope I didn’t offend with comparing you to an old broad. I hope you know that I love you and will cry if you dump me.

  23. trailofstars says:

    Your journal is a big highlight of my day and an oasis of sanity. I will cry like a wussy man-child if you cut me.

  24. trailofstars says:

    Your journal is a big highlight of my day and an oasis of sanity. I will cry like a wussy man-child if you cut me.

  25. ivyblogs says:

    You make me laugh. Please don’t cut me.

  26. ivyblogs says:

    You make me laugh. Please don’t cut me.

  27. I love to read your writing, and I met you when you were here in Baltimore on tour, but then, on the other hand, I don’t post much at all. Your call, but I do like your style.

  28. I love to read your writing, and I met you when you were here in Baltimore on tour, but then, on the other hand, I don’t post much at all. Your call, but I do like your style.

  29. chreebomb says:

    down with rainbows and unicorns and sweet cartwheeling clownies!
    and
    hells yeah to MOCKING, LEERING, PAGLIACCI MIDWAY MOTHERFUCKERS!

    (unless rainbows are being shit out the asses of unicorns and clownies, of course)

  30. chreebomb says:

    down with rainbows and unicorns and sweet cartwheeling clownies!
    and
    hells yeah to MOCKING, LEERING, PAGLIACCI MIDWAY MOTHERFUCKERS!

    (unless rainbows are being shit out the asses of unicorns and clownies, of course)

  31. horridtrixie says:

    what did i miss?
    i like you lots. i maybe… even *sniff*… love you?

  32. horridtrixie says:

    what did i miss?
    i like you lots. i maybe… even *sniff*… love you?

  33. Oh I can handle your truth!

  34. Oh I can handle your truth!

  35. acthomas says:

    Cut me and I’ll haunt you for the rest of your fucking life. And you know I am shameless enough to do it.

  36. acthomas says:

    Cut me and I’ll haunt you for the rest of your fucking life. And you know I am shameless enough to do it.

  37. roshismomma says:

    worse! worse! worse! WORSE!
    i cant wait.

  38. roshismomma says:

    worse! worse! worse! WORSE!
    i cant wait.

  39. remfrance says:

    oooo! keep me please?! you always make this little corner of france a little brighter, a little wilder. i may not post super regular-like, but i’m here. and i read. and yours is one of the highlights. just so you … y’know … know.

  40. remfrance says:

    oooo! keep me please?! you always make this little corner of france a little brighter, a little wilder. i may not post super regular-like, but i’m here. and i read. and yours is one of the highlights. just so you … y’know … know.

  41. beezus says:

    i love the way you totally kick ass.

  42. beezus says:

    i love the way you totally kick ass.

  43. luckysaddle says:

    I only arrived last week. Don’t wipe me out and make me miss the worseness. I am enjoying everything greatly so far. Worse can only mean better.

  44. luckysaddle says:

    I only arrived last week. Don’t wipe me out and make me miss the worseness. I am enjoying everything greatly so far. Worse can only mean better.

  45. graciebaby_ says:

    but…but…but.
    I just got heeeere….
    and and and…we can work on our communication…maybe couples therapy could help?
    I know I don’t often vocalise my needs…but I DO listen to what you say…
    and I’m learning…and, I’m feeling more comfortable with letting you know my needs…
    and I NEED you to give US another chance…
    I understand if you need to go, you might want to get the paperwork together on that restaining order….

  46. graciebaby_ says:

    but…but…but.
    I just got heeeere….
    and and and…we can work on our communication…maybe couples therapy could help?
    I know I don’t often vocalise my needs…but I DO listen to what you say…
    and I’m learning…and, I’m feeling more comfortable with letting you know my needs…
    and I NEED you to give US another chance…
    I understand if you need to go, you might want to get the paperwork together on that restaining order….

  47. tracijean says:

    I have no idea what kind of drama went on, and I REALLY WANT TO KNOW. Whatever it is, fuck ’em. I know you won’t cut me because you want my hot poon, so I feel very secure in my f-list position and will not grovel!

  48. tracijean says:

    I have no idea what kind of drama went on, and I REALLY WANT TO KNOW. Whatever it is, fuck ’em. I know you won’t cut me because you want my hot poon, so I feel very secure in my f-list position and will not grovel!

  49. slantedtruth says:

    ooh miss muffy i do hope you’ll keep me on! i don’t post much, but..

  50. slantedtruth says:

    ooh miss muffy i do hope you’ll keep me on! i don’t post much, but..

  51. People been giving you shit for speaking your truth? Ugh.

  52. People been giving you shit for speaking your truth? Ugh.

  53. scoutj says:

    I have a fever right now and have no fucking clue what this is about. All I know if that I love you and you’re fucking hilarious.

  54. scoutj says:

    I have a fever right now and have no fucking clue what this is about. All I know if that I love you and you’re fucking hilarious.

  55. Dude. Are you coming for pizza so you can fill me in? You can’t leave me hanging like this.

  56. Dude. Are you coming for pizza so you can fill me in? You can’t leave me hanging like this.

  57. veggiemama says:

    Not another one addicted to the poon!

  58. veggiemama says:

    Not another one addicted to the poon!

  59. veggiemama says:

    goddamn, muffy, if you cut me I will cry myself to sleep.

  60. veggiemama says:

    goddamn, muffy, if you cut me I will cry myself to sleep.

  61. human_loser says:

    i’d like to stay friended, if you feel the same…i do hope I make the cut…

  62. human_loser says:

    i’d like to stay friended, if you feel the same…i do hope I make the cut…

  63. batmom says:

    following in the footsteps of all others saying, please let me stay. you rock this place.
    but you do have quite the impressive quantity of followers, and cuts are bound to happen!

  64. batmom says:

    following in the footsteps of all others saying, please let me stay. you rock this place.
    but you do have quite the impressive quantity of followers, and cuts are bound to happen!

  65. krzdiamond says:

    well, damn, woman…i just reluctantly refreshed my friends list with fingers crossed. i so admire you and am thankful you chose to keep me around.
    I’ll update after this court case is over. Hopefully tomorrow.
    Thanks for keeping me.
    KD

  66. krzdiamond says:

    well, damn, woman…i just reluctantly refreshed my friends list with fingers crossed. i so admire you and am thankful you chose to keep me around.
    I’ll update after this court case is over. Hopefully tomorrow.
    Thanks for keeping me.
    KD

  67. turtleblues says:

    I just got here and haven’t introduced myself yet- the anonimous comments of your friends were just so compelling…
    my journal has been highly filtered lately- been going through some wacky stuff- but.. um… yeah- well ‘hi’!

  68. turtleblues says:

    I just got here and haven’t introduced myself yet- the anonimous comments of your friends were just so compelling…
    my journal has been highly filtered lately- been going through some wacky stuff- but.. um… yeah- well ‘hi’!

  69. peregrin8 says:

    if you unfriend me i will be forced to stalk you under various identities.

  70. peregrin8 says:

    if you unfriend me i will be forced to stalk you under various identities.

  71. bigfatmama says:

    ditto except for the poon.

  72. bigfatmama says:

    ditto except for the poon.

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