1. How tall are you barefoot?

You know, I used to lie like a dirty lying bastard about my height – but I no longer care that I am nothing more than a stunted hobbit. Also, the babies are now old enough to call me on my shit in public…oh, and trust me – THEY DO. I am 5 foot 1 inch tall.

2. Have you ever smoked heroin?

Oh, god, no. Never. Not wearin’ these shoes, anyway. (That’d be a no.)

3. Do you own a gun?

No, but I grew up in a home where firearms of all shapes and sizes were perpetually present — and I know how to use them. And well. I am descended from criminal Sicilian trash, lest you forget.

4. Rehab?

From what? I’m a shitkicker and a thief, yes – but I am, however, not fond of the substances. Unless you consider Ragu a substance, that is.

5. Do you get nervous before “meeting the parents”?

Oh, Christ, no. Fuck the parents. Fuck everyone, in fact. If you don’t get along with me, you got some serious social issues, my friend. I am like the most easygoing, sloth-like bastard on the planet. Mother-in-laws don’t scare me; soul-kissing someone with bad oral hygiene – now THAT scares me.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?

I adore them – with lots of mustard, onions, and relish. At the outdoor snack-shack at Costco. At backyard barbeques. At Padres games with my son and husband.

7. What’s your favorite Christmas song?

I like ‘em real old school and classic, i.e., “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” and “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing” Also, any and all background music from “A Charlie Brown Christmas” sends me into an automatic state of complete and utter bliss.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?

Coffee. Good fucking coffee; two Equals and extra cream, and I’ll blow you for the difference.

9. Do you do push-ups?

You gotta be fuckin’ kidding me with this.

10. Have you ever done ecstacy?

HA! Once. In Las Vegas at some gay bar. I took it and sat down at the edge of the dance floor and sunk into a K-hole of biblical proportions. It basically just made me sleepy – like every other fucking recreational drug out there aside from baggie.

11. Are you vegan?

Jesus, no – and at the risk of perhaps offending certain members of my friends list, even though I don’t really eat much meat myself and never have (it’s a taste thing, not a political thing) I am generally annoyed by such complicated dietary horseshit. I put up with it as long as said vegan doesn’t loudly ramble on and on about it at every public meal. What my crew usually says to this sort of attention-seeking behavior is: “Yes, yes, yes, we all know that you’re a vegan. We also know that you’ll once again be wolfing McDonald’s cheeseburgers in about six months…so, for the love of god, just do us all a favor and SHUT THE FUCK UP AND ORDER ALREADY.”

12. Do you like painkillers?

They don’t work on me, and for some inexplicable reason healthcare professionals just LOVE to load my ass up with the bastards. I have Kentucky Fried Chicken buckets full of Vicodin rotting in my bathroom – which makes me very popular on film sets and at writer’s meetings, I gotta tell you. But in the end, Vicodin is completely worthless to me. Vicodin is Satan’s droppings.

13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex/potential lovers?

The fact that I’m a real fuckin’ lady, I am.

14. Do you own a knife?

I have no idea exactly why, but this question made me BELLY LAUGH OUT LOUD.

15. Do you have A.D.D.?

Oh, who doesn’t after a few cocktails?

16. Date Of Birth?

21 August

17. Top 3 thoughts at this exact moment:

1. I saw Santino’s baby picture on “Project Runway” – and I’ll be goddamned if he didn’t look EXACTLY like a member of The Addams Family. But, man, oh, man…I still want to bang him.
2. WREK (out of Atlanta) has the best fucking music of any radio station in the history of humankind.
3. My cooter itches.

18. Name the last 3 things you have bought:

1. Groceries at Trader Joe’s
2. College textbooks for a cute little fashion design diva!
3. CDs by The Supremes, The Four Tops, Elvis Costello, The Beatles, and The Flaming Lips.

19. Name five drinks you regularly drink:

Bubbly water, coffee, cinnamon yogi tea, the occasional Diet Coke at a restaurant, my own sweltering urine.

20. What time did you wake up today?

6:00

21. Current hair?

A growing out Rosemary Woodhouse Pixie Cut. It’s back to the Bob with me.

22. Current worry?

My mother-in-law (aka: The Yenta) wants to come and stay with us for a weekend and I need to figure out where we are going to sleep her since our supposed top-o-the-line air-mattress fed the fucking tree.

23. Current hate?

Yawn.

24. Favorite place to be?

The Pirates of The Caribbean ride at Disleyland. Or Hampstead, England. Or The Southwest of France.

25. Least favorite place to be?

Department of Motor Vehicles. Or the holding tank at the Fresno County Jail. (Wait, did I just say that out loud?)

26. Where would you like to go?

Disleyland.

27. Do you own slippers?

Because we don’t really do the shoes in the house thing, I veritably live in slippers. I am, however, in the market for a new pair – but I am currently wearing some little knit Mary Jane thingies I got at Target. They are fuschia and chartreuse and I loves them.

28. Where do you think you’ll be in 10 yrs?

Writing books, making movies, traveling like mad, and hanging out with my family in a beach house in Malibu.

29. Do you burn or tan?

I used to tan when I was little, but I am not altogether sure what I would do now seeing that I am medically forbidden to directly expose myself to the sun and its wicked, wicked ways. I boldly move through this world under the protection of a chartreuse umbrella.

30. Last thing you ate?

Homemade crockpot vegetable soup. Yummy!

31. Would you be a pirate?

If I could bathe regularly and had access to good dental care…sure. Why the fuck not. After all, I do so love plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead.

32. Last time you had an alcoholic drink?

Michael Pare kindly ordered me a Long Island Iced Tea at Maggiano’s in Nashville a few weeks ago – and I took one sip and then proceeded to let it rot on the table before me while I ate my angel hair pasta and spied like a schoolgirl on Martina McBride at the table next to us. Before that, it’s probably been years and years. I defecate on alcohol.

33. What songs do you sing in the shower?

Nothing. I listen to NPR.

34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?

A tall, thin, man who looked like he stepped straight out of an old black and white film. He wore a stovepipe hat and black eyeliner – just like all those silent fim stars did. He creaked as he moved about my room and watched me as I slept. Even to this day, I sometimes catch him out of the corner of my eye.

35. What’s in your pockets right now?

No pockets right now – but generally, my cellie, my to-do list for the day, and a whole lotta luck.

36. Last thing that made you laugh?

There is absolutely no telling as I belly laugh every five.

37. Best bed sheets you had as a child?

Peanuts. Oh, and a set with big pink old school English roses. I think they may have been from the 50’s or something. As lovely as lovely could be,

38. Worst injury you’ve ever had?

I’ve never been injured. Never broken a bone, never had stitches, never been in a car accident. Up until a few years ago, I had never even been sick. No chicken pox, no whooping cough, no measles, no nothing – this despite having been repeatedly exposed to them all, and much, much more in a family of nine children.

40. How many TVs do you have in your house?

Five. And two TiVo machines – all crankin’ WHITE HOT. We don’t fuck around ‘round here.

41. Who is your loudest friend?

Jerrie, when she gets hammered on tequila.

42. Who is your most silent friend?

Davy Troffer. He rarely says a word – but he’s fucking brilliant and we love him.

43. Does someone have a crush on you?

Gregory does.

45. What is your favorite book?

The Chronicles of Narnia. And “Capote” by Gerald Clarke.

46. What is your favorite candy?

Most of it is off-limits to me now (bastard blood sugar!)…but, back in the day, I really, really liked green apple Jolly Ranchers.

47. What songs do/did you want played at your wedding?

“What’s So Funny (About Peace, Love, and Understanding)” by Elvis Costello

48. What song do you want played at your funeral?

Oh, that’s easy – and my husband and everybody already knows this one, too: The Peanuts theme song by Vince Guaraldi.

49. What were you doing at 12AM last night?

Reading a really great book called “Steven Spielberg: Interviews.” I love him.

50. Do you love the pain a tattoo brings?

Well, I wouldn’t know, seeing that my husband-borne-of-the-upper-middle-class has told me that if I ever get one – even a really cool and meaningful one — he will henceforth refuse me sexual favors. Gosh, I’d love to have one, but a girl has simply GOT to get her muff chowed every so often. Capische?