order up

For my birthday on Monday, my friends took me to Downtown Disney in Orlando for treats and eats. The treats came first: I got a Sleeping Beauty playset (complete with The Prince, Maleficent, and all three Fairy Godmothers) and a Tinkerbell dress-up set with 6 different outfits (think Polly Pocket with pixie dust and a temper.) I could not be more pleased with my haul and cannot stop playing with all their tiny, plastic asses. When it comes to gifts, my friends are so on-track that it hurts.

Our tummies all aflutter with gastric juices, we then headed for the digestive side of the street and ended up at some marginally upscale Italian restaurant. After scouring the menu, hoping to find just a big plate of pisghetti instead of some weird, specialty concoction (when it comes to Italian, I like to keep it ol’ school and ON-TRACK), I came across a seafood dish with a hilarious name that had me belly laughing OUT LOUD — so much so that when our FABULOUS, RAGING BULL-DYKE WAITRESS asked for my order, I proudly announced that although I just wanted to order the spaghetti, I would henceforth be officially adopting the moniker of one of their specialty dishes as my new stripper name:

Snapper Bruschetta

Homegirl blinked, ran a quick hand through her mullet, stared at me with HUGE eyes like she couldn’t believe what I had just said, and started to BELLY GUFFAW OUT LOUD. And then, well, that was it — it was ON.

The meal was a HOOT…The Jackals were in rare form. And afterwards, because my friends had covertly notified our girl that it was my birthday, she and every gottdamned waiter, bartender, and busboy in the joint marched over to our table carrying a little chocolate cake on a large white platter — onto which had been carefully written by their in-house pastry chef: SNAPPER BRUSCHETTA. And then, in front of a full restaurant of bemused patrons, proceeded to loudly and proudly sing:

“Happy Birthday, Snapper Bruschetta…Happy Birthday….toooooooooo yooooooooooou!”

She told me afterwards, “You guys are the best table I have EVER waited on — and none of us will ever again be able to hear someone order the Snapper Bruschetta without smirking and thinking of you.”

She got a $100 tip.

I got the best birthday dinner ever.

Good trade.

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About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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19 Responses to order up

    • muffybolding says:

      oh, no, herr portmaner! my birthday is actually in august — this was just a birthday blast from the past of which i was reminded by a friend. but THANK YOU for the love, anyway! xoxo

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