starfucker mcclouskey

Living in Los Angeles can be so fucking surreal.

This morning at Starbucks, over the course of an hour, we saw Tim Allen, Joseph Campanella, and Taryn Manning stroll in with sweats and bedhead and procure a cup o’ joe. Last week it was Eric McCormack, as well as a bevy of other lesser-known celebrities. As in New York, no one even acknowledges their presence (as it should be), though I must admit that sometimes it’s really hard — like when this handsome fellow sauntered in and stood in line next to me — famed porn star turned director Paul Thomas. Of course, he looks older than he did back when he was still playing squat-hop-in-the-asparagus-patch with dames like Christy Canyon and Marilyn Chambers, but he’s still so handsome and so sexy, and he was so nice!

While we were waiting for our drinks, he and I had a charming conversation about caffeine after he heard me order my latte decaf. He said, “Well, just standing next to you and hearing you speak, one can clearly see that you don’t need it anyway. You have more than enough vitality and effervescence all on your own!” And then he smiled sweetly and gently laid his hand on my arm. Just think! The same arm that fisted Seka’s infamous undercarriage touched my little ol’ arm! I almost died right there in front of god and the barrista!

No-talent meathooks like Paris Hilton and Ryan Seacrest can kiss my fatass: WHATEVER. But let me step into the presence of a guy like Paul Thomas or Ron Jeremy like I did a few years ago…and just watch me stammer, stutter, and go all Davy Jones starry-eyed.

I’m such a starfucker starfucker.

About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.

View all posts by muffybolding →