anna nicole smith RIP

For whatever else you might think about Anna Nicole Smith and her questionable methods regarding upward mobility — and perhaps even more questionable claims to legitimate fame — in the end she was nothing more than a working class girl and a teenage mother who clawed her way out of the abject poverty into which she was born…and for me, having done precisely the same, I just have to say that there is a part of me that understands exactly what compelled her. I understand the notion of reinvention; I have lived it. I AM living it.

For all the drugs, marriages, diets, centerfolds, and legal quagmires that her life had degenerated into — and gosh, what an epic trainwreck it was — I believe, in the end, she was nothing more than an extremely damaged and fragile human being…who simply could not move or breathe beyond the tragic death of the child to whom she had given birth while still a child herself and with whom she had consequently grown up. It was reported that when she awoke that morning in September of 2006 — just three days after giving birth to her second child, a daughter — and discovered her 20 year old son not breathing and unresponsive in the chair next to her bed, it took the doctors and hospital staff FOUR HOURS to pry her off his dead body. At his funeral, she demanded they open the coffin and then tried to climb inside. She said that, “If Daniel has to be buried, I want to be buried with him.” — and I have NO DOUBT that she TRULY MEANT IT WITH ALL OF HER SHATTERED HEART. That’s a biological thing, a cellular thing, an animal thing…and I understand it to the very core of my being. In fact, those same primitive urges ARE the very core of my being; they are every mother’s.

In the end, there are some wounds that can never be healed, some pain that can never be comforted, some horror that can never be forgotten, and some places from which you can never return.

I hope she finds the peace in death that she never, ever knew in life — and that wherever she is, she is with her treasured son and that she feels safe and secure and thin enough and good enough…and loved. At last.

annanicoledanielsmith

About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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55 Responses to anna nicole smith RIP

  1. phaenix_ash says:

    this is the first post on the subject i’ve seen that wasn’t snarky or downright mean. i felt such a sadness about her son’s death though i couldn’t explain why and her own, so soon after her daughter was born…it’s horrible.
    I understand the notion of reinvention.
    this is just one of the reasons why i love you so. 🙂

  2. ixzist says:

    that’s a brilliant eulogy for her, you know?
    i agree wholeheartedly.

  3. lesli says:

    You are a lovely woman my dear Muffy and you write the truth.
    I’ve never seen the early picture of Nicole. It some how makes me even sadder.

  4. muffybolding says:

    and it’s just one of the reasons why i love you right back, sister.
    “Once you’ve truly known real hunger, you can never again love someone who hasn’t.”
    — Barbara Kingsolver
    xoxo

  5. muffybolding says:

    thank you. i was growing weary of watching all the kicking and spitting and dragging of her corpse through the arena. enough, already. the woman is dead.
    xoxo

  6. muffybolding says:

    i agree about the picture — which is why i included it. it speaks the truth all on its own.
    and thank you for your kind words.
    much love.
    xoxo

  7. You are classy and compassionate.

  8. muffybolding says:

    thank you, miss audra — coming from someone like you (whom i respect and admire like you cannot imagine) that is meaningful beyond words.
    much love to you.
    xoxo

  9. Just today I was explaining to my teenage son – who really had not ever paid any attention to Ms. Smith and conversely was talking out his ass about her – that she had had a hard life, that she used to be a checkout girl at Wal-Mart and had managed to become a model (I always thought those black and white Guess? ads were something else (never mind everything else she became) and had had a child while very young and…
    …really, she’s only a year older than I am right this second, and her life must have been shot through with equal parts confusion and sadness, until her son died and then it had to have been so, so heavy.
    He quit talking.

  10. muffybolding says:

    i think that compassion is one of the greatest lessons — and gifts — that we can give to our children. bravo to you, mama.
    xoxo

  11. muffybolding says:

    thank YOU for stopping by…and leaving your pretty pink rose to grace my page.
    xoxo

  12. human_loser says:

    I’m just echoing but yes, much respect for not making some snarky post about this.

  13. trailofstars says:

    Wonderfully put, Muffy. I wanted to write something on this but I don’t need to now, you put it better than I could have. I always liked Anna for the same reasons you describe above–she came from a place I understand and it takes a relentless drive to get to where she did. She was one of my people. I had respect for her drive and ambition. I hope she has indeed found a measure of peace that eluded her all of her life.

  14. muffybolding says:

    yes, there’s more than enough snark already out there about this one. and thanks for echoing in, tootsie. you are always welcome here.
    =:-)
    xoxo

  15. muffybolding says:

    yes, she was absolutely one of our tribe, my friend. as beautiful and glamorous as she could be, whenever i looked at her, all i saw was a driven, ambitious, frequently bewildered working class girl.
    sort of like i see whenever i look at myself.
    =:-)
    xoxo

  16. maudelynn says:

    truly.
    reinvention. sometimes i think i am going to be asked to leave the party i have ended up at too. that it is a mistake and i will be found out.
    i always thought what you just wrote. i don’t think she had a mean bone in her body. and people often laughed at me when i said i understood her completely.
    i was lucky. i am very loved. truly. but even in that i am insecure from time to time. wondering when the fact i lived in a trailer park and my mother was the town drunk and whore, that my sister was a stripper, that i am the first person to have a college AND secondary school education, that i was the true defition of dirt poor,with what some people consider a pretty face, will come out and my golden ticket will be taken away.
    i was lucky. for some reason no one tried to exploit me. i have a gaurdian angel, and i understood anna nicole.
    i, too, hope she finds peace.

  17. trailofstars says:

    Reinventing yourself is an absolute survival technique. I wouldn’t be here without it. But sometimes you need a little luck with the people you meet along the way, especially when you’re that far out.
    I’m so glad you wrote this. I’d been trying to find my way around a piece on it, but I just couldn’t. My thoughts–so clear in my head–could not get clear on paper. You did it for me, with more authority than I ever could have, and reminded me why I actually read LiveJournal, something I’ve been wondering of late.

  18. 24hourmama says:

    Well said.
    I thought her son dying at that time and in that way was one of the more horrible circumstances I’d ever heard. Having a 22 year old son myself, and little ones… ugh. Poor baby. And I don’t mean the five-month-old.

  19. hotoddy says:

    It’s very sad. It’s even more depressing that on the news no one seems to have anything good to say about her.
    One thing is clear: She certainly knew how to make her 15 minutes last a lifetime.

  20. charris says:

    You smart and wonderful woman.

  21. Anonymous says:

    Thank-you for your kindness and heart. I sometimes feel so sad in this world and compassion like you show is so need…so essential. It is like bread from heaven
    “Once you’ve truly known real hunger, you can never again love someone who hasn’t.”
    — Barbara Kingsolver
    Yes, I feel that way too. Thank-you for speaking of Anna Nicole with such compassionate. Alice Walker has an essay in the book In Search of Her Mother’s Garden when she talks about Van Gogh and why we need to care where she says that we need to care because it is the life that could have been ours. It is the life that has been ours.

  22. cindimama says:

    I love you Muffy. I just tell everyone who is bad mouthing her to shut the fuck up and eat shit, you say it so much sweeter! I hope she’s at peace too.

  23. muffybolding says:

    huh. i always wondered what your story was — but was always a little timid to ask. compelling stuff, that — and a lot like my own tale of working class beginnings. i always used to feel like i was about to be found out and asked to leave the premises — so now, instead of letting anyone get the jump on me, i just lay my cards on the table and hold nothing back. as popeye says, i am what i am — and if someone doesn’t like it, they can just fuck off, lady.
    =:-)
    xoxo

  24. freakstorm says:

    that’s the best eulogy ever.

  25. foolsgoldxo says:

    Such a tragedy on top of tragedy.
    I just can’t even imagine the pain of losing a child, especially in that way.
    You can only pull yourself back up so many times. I think it just broke her heart. My own heart aches for her and for others who have traveled that road.

  26. muffybolding says:

    thank you, miss rhonda. and i agree completely. when i heard the circumstances of her son’s death, it broke my fucking mama heart.
    xoxo

  27. muffybolding says:

    it stuns me that even in death, no one can find even a single goddamned good thing to say about the woman. and you are correct — she milked her allotted 15 for far longer than most; that’s an incredible feat in and of itself.
    xoxo

  28. muffybolding says:

    right back atcha, sister! i miss seeing you around. why don’t you stop by the clubhouse more often?
    =:-)
    xoxo

  29. muffybolding says:

    thank you for your kind words and your thoughtful sentiments — i wish you’d left your name so i could thank you more personally! stop by anytime, toots!
    =:-)
    xoxo

  30. muffybolding says:

    i love you, too, miss cindi!
    =:-)
    xoxo

  31. muffybolding says:

    wow, thanks, honey.
    xoxo

  32. muffybolding says:

    i agree. as a mother, i can only surmise that her pain and grief must have been unimaginable. i hope she finds peace.
    xoxo

  33. ancientnow says:

    Thank you. This news hit me hard and I don’t do the celebrity thing much. I miss Patrick.

  34. that was great, muf. well said. i find the whole story terribly painful.

  35. andriagirlie says:

    This is a wonderful post.

  36. tracijean says:

    I have been a little weepy about Anna since I heard. I loved her so much.

  37. Ive been quietly crying for her since the news came in the middle of 101 “other peoples drama” that I was on the fringes of. I never thought she was a joke, or a punchline … I always felt her searching and struggling. That and god only knows Ive used my own Industrial Cleavage to get a leg up on the universe occasionally. And she really did love Mr.Marshall and I know that because I REFUSE to believe anything else. Gawd, she was so one of us….

  38. langus says:

    When her son died, I thought she was not long for this world. It just seemed like her light went out with his. Poor thing. I can’t imagine. I have reinvented myself, plenty. Some call it ruthless ladder climbing, some call it survival. Those who use the former haven’t had to do the latter.
    You are a charm, Muff.
    RIP, ANS.

  39. penelopesque says:

    This is the second post on my friend’s list this morning saying almost the same thing. It reminds me that I am lucky to have in my world such tough, compassionate women who dream big and think outside the narrow box in which the Ladies-Who-Lunch wants to keep us all.

  40. kalimama says:

    Don’t most of us go through life waiting for someone to find out the “truth” about us? I have yet to really start feeling like an adult. When I’m at work, being the boss, or at home being the boss I wonder how long everyone will believe I am capable, how long people will believe I’m smart. I’m always wondering when my cover will be blown and everyone will know I’m just a glorious fuck up like everyone else.
    I saw on TV last night that Anna Nicole’s mother was talking shit. Whether she had drug problems, or was selfish, or never sent money to help her sister with leukemia isn’t the point. The point is that she was a broken human being, trying to hold her pieces together the best she could. For a mother to go on TV and say ugly things about her daughter, (dead just over 24 hours) makes me ill. It also explains a lot about how she got broken in the first place.

  41. niyabinghi says:

    This is the wisest bit of writing I’ve read about her yet.
    Thank you.

  42. muffybolding says:

    i know, mama. being away from your baby — for whatever reason; even if they’ve been driving you completely BATSHIT CRAZY — is the hardest thing in the world…but sometimes it is what is needed. i have been thinking about you.
    much love
    xoxo

  43. muffybolding says:

    thank you, honey. i do, too.
    xoxo

  44. muffybolding says:

    gosh, thank you for the kind words. and thanks for reading!
    xoxo

  45. muffybolding says:

    well, OF COURSE YOU DID. she was TOTALLY one of us, miss traci jean.
    xoxo

  46. daednu says:

    Finally! I comment on her death that I can get behind.
    All I’d add to that is may whatever powers are out there, rally behind the poor little baby who’s left behind. Because she’s going to need it.

  47. starmiranda says:

    Amen to all of this, Muffy. I’m sick of people talking shit about her, or being classist & condescending to her, even in death. She was a fragile, fucked up person, but totally strong, too.

  48. All of my paternal female relatives previous to my generation dragged themselves out of poverty via their looks & their sexuality. County fair pageant winners, pin-up models, secretaries who married their bosses, and, in many cases, women who pulled a trick on occasion when the kids needed to be fed. Sure, “nice girls” don’t do that – but then, “nice girls” aren’t poor, right?
    Thanks for writin’ this, Muffeleta. It made me feel a lot less creeped out about how all the “nice girls” I know are treating ANS’s death..

  49. I am a sad representative of modern society and don’t even know who Anna Nicole Smith is; when one of my employees asked if I’d heard the news I started mentally rifling through client names trying to picture who had died. But Miss Muff – if I should ever shove off this mortal coil, will you please write my eulogy?

  50. chreebomb says:

    your eulogy made me weep.

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