YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS

I was unexpectedly contacted last year by a charming young woman who told me she really loved my work — particularly my poem, “Librarian.” She also asked very sweetly if I had any other poems or essays of mine that I might send along to her…because she was doing her finals project on me in her English class.

Now, I’m not sure if you fully understood the completely outrageous and unbelievable nature of what I just said:

She was doing her finals project on me in her English class.

HA!

For her finals project, she needed to explain the theme, purpose, structure, metaphor, word choice, rhythm, and sound devices of my writing…and its context in American culture and history.

Knitter PLEASE. I am the daughter of criminals, courtesans, cocksmen, and carnies. I am a high-school dropout. I come from a rambling, felonious, working-class family of eleven brilliant, hilarious children, several of whom are dead, addicted, incarcerated, or crazy. I’m a shitkicker and a thief. At the age when most kids are learning to tie their own shoelaces, I could unload a handgun as big as my fucking arm with deadly precision. I like Nancy Grace, demolition derby, Bob’s Big Boy, Supercuts, and watching a really good freeway chase on TV. Every morning, I liberally mist Jean Nate drugstore bodyspray onto my pulsepoints and onto my cooter. I am from Fresno, for chrissake.

I wrote back thanking her for her lovely letter, and sent along a bit more of my work. As an old broad who NEVER misses the opportunity to spout about GIRL POWER, I added that if I, as a woman, have learned one single goddamned thing in my dangerously improbable existence, it is that ANYTHING is possible. The mere fact that I am STILL ALIVE, RELATIVELY SANE, and NOT MAKING MY LIVING FLAT ON MY BACK FAT is inarguable proof of that. I also offered her the advice that I give to every young woman I meet who is just beginning her journey in this place:

Fear NOTHING. Fear NO ONE. Know that you are POWERFUL BEYOND MEASURE — NOW. Not twenty years from now. RIGHT NOW. Every single day of your life, wake up, look in the mirror, behold your UTTER PERFECTION, throw back your head, belly laugh, and go out into the world and take what is yours — because it’s ALL YOURS.

She wrote back that she had printed up my letter and hung it on the mirror in her bedroom…so that not a single day would pass where she would not think of my words and use them to help guide her along her way.

I don’t think I have ever been more genuinely honored, humbled, or blown-away by anything in my entire life.

KILL IT, Little Sister.

gabriel_liston
(Wee Feral Gunslinger Girl brilliantly done in blue ballpoint ink on a book tile by one of my favorite motherfucking artists on the planet, Gabriel Liston.)

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About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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8 Responses to YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS

  1. Christian Iles says:

    I absolutely adore your perception of life and all it’s fucked up components. You are fantabulously wonderlicious. Take care, ~ The Beauty Architect

  2. … for the children… God bless ya.

  3. cindy shipstead says:

    You are beautiful. Need I say more?

  4. Best thing I’ve read all week. F*ck it. I’m going to print that out and put it on MY wall too babe.

  5. D. Whitney Quinn says:

    I’m a sucker for whipsmart, funny women. Hold me.

  6. blaire baron larsen says:

    Hey I see maurice chokaelakoa up in the comments. how many degrees of separation do there seriously need to be… ?! zero!!! all these like minds find each other. keep writing muffy!

  7. Hank Chinaski says:

    a modern day version of “erma bombeck” and just as funny. Love the fake bad girl bio…..you are an inspiration to all the misunderstood high school girls looking for some kind of connection.and love words like “fantabulously wonderlicious”. cute !

  8. Lynette flynn says:

    I left hhis beautiful reply and it erased it so i’m a little vexed. i just want you to know you are fucking amazing!

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