girl in the boat

I am so relieved to hear that Abby Sunderland, the 16 year old who was attempting to sail solo around the globe, has been safely plucked from the Indian Ocean after SOS rescue signals were sent out from her little boat yesterday. I certainly admire this girl for her bold and adventurous nature…but as a mother, I do, in fact, have a real quick question for her parents:


In their comments to the press, they’ve said that Jesus put their daughter out on that boat in the first place and that it was Jesus who plucked her young ass from the sea — but either way it might’ve gone…well, that was just fine with them. COME AGAIN?

What is it with these Born Again Hard Bastards that they just LOVE to sacrifice their children on the altar of the lord. THEY LOVE IT. Well, I say FUCK ALL THAT. The lord can just take somebody else’s baby — my baby ain’t goin’ anywhere ALL UP THROUGH THIS MOTHERFUCKER. I’ll chain all three of those adorable little biatches to a wall in their bedroom and feed ’em Cap’n Crunch with Crunchberries and let ’em watch Jersey Shore until the end of time. Better to end up buried in Snooki’s Orange Cookie…than Davy Jones’ Locker, I say.

Shantih, shantih, shantih…and amen.

About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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