ds on the dl

When I was little — like little-little…back before my Hot-boxed Filipina Fuckmachine Mother had a thousand babies and I was forced to work as a biologically-indentured Teenage Mary Poppins With Boss Hooters And A Bad Attitude/Handmaid of Satan — when I was lucky enough to be sick and got to stay home from school, I would climb my narrow ass up on that couch with some pillows and a blanket to be all alone and watch this show. I was COMPLETELY RIVETED — especially by the shawdowy, exterior shots of Collinswood — SO GODDAMNED SPOOKY…and if you know me, you know that I like to keep it REAL SPOOKY. I also like to keep it REAL HONEST — and that means admitting to you now that I recently tried to watch this show all up on youtube…and I’LL BE GODDAMNED IF IT’S NOT COMPLETELY OFF TRACK…except for this theme song. This remains COMPLETELY ALL-TALENT.

Along with “Here’s the story…of a lovely lady, who was bringing up three very lovely girls”, the hoppin’ opening theme song of American Bandstand, the beautiful, almost plaintive notes of The CBS Children’s Film Festival theme music, the soothing tones of Mr. Rogers telling me I was special just the way I was, the WAH-WAH-WAH-WAH-WAH drone of Charlie Brown’s unseen teachers, and my mother’s voice perpetually barking at me to wash somebody’s dishes, do somebody’s laundry, cook somebody’s dinner, or change somebody’s ass lest I be drug down the hallway by my hair…this theme song is truly one of the definitive sounds of my youth. These are what got me through to the other side and saved me:

About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
This entry was posted in categories can suck my dick. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s