When I was little — like little-little…back before my Hot-boxed Filipina Fuckmachine Mother had a thousand babies and I was forced to work as a biologically-indentured Teenage Mary Poppins With Boss Hooters And A Bad Attitude/Handmaid of Satan — when I was lucky enough to be sick and got to stay home from school, I would climb my narrow ass up on that couch with some pillows and a blanket to be all alone and watch this show. I was COMPLETELY RIVETED — especially by the shawdowy, exterior shots of Collinswood — SO GODDAMNED SPOOKY…and if you know me, you know that I like to keep it REAL SPOOKY. I also like to keep it REAL HONEST — and that means admitting to you now that I recently tried to watch this show all up on youtube…and I’LL BE GODDAMNED IF IT’S NOT COMPLETELY OFF TRACK…except for this theme song. This remains COMPLETELY ALL-TALENT.

Along with “Here’s the story…of a lovely lady, who was bringing up three very lovely girls”, the hoppin’ opening theme song of American Bandstand, the beautiful, almost plaintive notes of The CBS Children’s Film Festival theme music, the soothing tones of Mr. Rogers telling me I was special just the way I was, the WAH-WAH-WAH-WAH-WAH drone of Charlie Brown’s unseen teachers, and my mother’s voice perpetually barking at me to wash somebody’s dishes, do somebody’s laundry, cook somebody’s dinner, or change somebody’s ass lest I be drug down the hallway by my hair…this theme song is truly one of the definitive sounds of my youth. These are what got me through to the other side and saved me: