beat it


KIDS? Shiiiiiiiiiiiit. Knitter, PLEASE. My kids can KISS MY BIG FAT ANCIENT ASS. Children are undeserving of such a FINE LAIR. I want one of these COMPLETELY OFF-THE-HOOK-AWESOME loft bedroom set-ups FOR ME! Talk about a ROOM OF ONE’S OWN. I’d load it up with all my books, crank on the History Channel, skip-kick the gottdamned A/C down to 58, stock up on NORO yarn and iced tea with stevia, tuck those two delightful chihuahuas underneath my GUNT, lock that fucking door, and, aside from My One True Love — whom I would sneak in for breathless conjugal visits — no one would ever see me again. EVER.

I VANT TO BE ALONE.

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About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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