Last night, not only did my darling friend, Drag Superstar Miss Jackie Beat, quite brilliantly host and perform at Drag Queen Karaoke in West Hollywood — she brought along a little birthday treat for my fatass…which, when I saw it, made my heart race, my pulse quicken, and had me on my knees faster than a teenage dream date with The Bay City Rollers, circa 1977: a GLORIOUS, vintage, Norwegian wooden knitting caddy! It is SO CHOICE. I’ve already loaded it with all my most treasured yarns, notions, doo-dads, trinkets, and knitting accoutrement, and have even tenderly kissed it on its bottom several times. Like coming upon a nude Helen Mirren languorously lounging in a certain slant of light tilting in through a bedroom window…I just CAN’T stop gazing at it.
You know, the only thing better than a good friend who loves you just the way you are…is a GOOD FRIEND WITH FUCKING STUNNING, DROP-DEAD, DEAD-ON, IMPECCABLY GOOD TASTE, UNEQUALED EXCEPT BY YOUR VERY OWN. That would be Miss Jackie Beat. Thank you, Bitch! I’ll treasure it forever. They’ll bury my fatass in this son-of-a-bitch.
Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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