Yesterday, my friend, Miss Jackie Beat, posted the following query on my wall — ” I need to know, WHO PISSED YOU OFF!?”
Here is my response:
ANYONE, ANYWHERE who harms a child or an animal.
The angry, vengeful god of the Old Testament.
NO-talent meathooks who, without invitation to do so, correct everyone’s grammar and punctuation, whilst producing nothing of worth themselves.
My older brother, the undignified miser.
That Bosnian piece of shit who threw those puppies into the river.
Those who attempt to hinder and dissuade others from achieving their dreams because of their own self-loathing, small thinking, and petty jealousies.
The old woman my father was doing a job for who wouldn’t let my siblings and I use her bathroom when I was a kid, because we were “brown and dirty.”
The heartless prick who got rid of the original FEN-PHEN recipe.
Those guinea bastards who shot Sonny on the causeway. Goddamnit, I love me some Sonny.
Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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