Today, a friend gave me a lovely and most unexpected compliment about the luminosity of my skin — and asked me to give up my beauty secrets as to how I maintain its peachy, healthy glow. Well, Miss Holly, here is my special, medical-grade, triple-top-secret skincare regime:
1) I wash my face with whatever fucking bar soap happens to be in the shower — Ivory, Dove, Coast, Trader Joe’s honey/oatmeal…whatever. Anything and everything except, of course, Dial…which, as every self-respecting woman knows, gives you The Tuna Rot something fierce.
2) Other than my single tube of red MAC lipstick (literally, the ONLY item of makeup I own or ever buy), I ONLY wear makeup if I am being paid to do so. I fucking LOATHE the feel of it on my skin.
3) I drink as much hot coffee and iced tea as humanly possible, also enjoying the occasional cigarette and tight whack of Thorazine in my ass, as needed.
4) As the light is much better there, I regularly sit out in the car and pluck the hairs from my chinny-chin-chin — a small price to pay, as far as I am concerned, for the AWESOMENESS that is being of Sicilian criminal trash descent.
5) I am not wholly adverse to taking a well-placed, authoritative load to the face on birthdays, anniversaries, or the Jewish High Holy Days. Shana Tova!