Today, a friend gave me a lovely and most unexpected compliment about the luminosity of my skin — and asked me to give up my beauty secrets as to how I maintain its peachy, healthy glow. Well, Miss Holly, here is my special, medical-grade, triple-top-secret skincare regime:
1) I wash my face with whatever fucking bar soap happens to be in the shower — Ivory, Dove, Coast, Trader Joe’s honey/oatmeal…whatever. Anything and everything except, of course, Dial…which, as every self-respecting woman knows, gives you The Tuna Rot something fierce.
2) Other than my single tube of red MAC lipstick (literally, the ONLY item of makeup I own or ever buy), I ONLY wear makeup if I am being paid to do so. I fucking LOATHE the feel of it on my skin.
3) I drink as much hot coffee and iced tea as humanly possible, also enjoying the occasional cigarette and tight whack of Thorazine in my ass, as needed.
4) As the light is much better there, I regularly sit out in the car and pluck the hairs from my chinny-chin-chin — a small price to pay, as far as I am concerned, for the AWESOMENESS that is being of Sicilian criminal trash descent.
5) I am not wholly adverse to taking a well-placed, authoritative load to the face on birthdays, anniversaries, or the Jewish High Holy Days. Shana Tova!
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About muffybolding
Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
muffy bolding 