I was recently asked, “What is the #1 reason you would defriend someone on Facebook?”

My answer:

Goddamnit, I verily LIVE to hear about all my friends’ latest interesting projects, shindigs, happenings, adventures, incarnations, love affairs, and skullduggery — it is what makes Facebook such a glorious, reciprocal, creative place to hang out and fuck around. It is the ULTIMATE worldwide water cooler!

HOWEVER…with that said, I suspect that most people will agree with me when I say that wearing out one’s welcome with constant, annoying, repetitive, relentless, thrice-hourly promotions of your band, your book, your zine, your show, your miracle multi-level-marketing Andalusian Goat Load elixir, your organic Asshole Bleaching bidness, your “1001 Placenta Polenta Recipes” cooking blog, your Squat-Hop-in-the-Asparagus-Patch Vaginal Jazzercise modern dance classes, or your feminist “Menstrual Blood Warpaint Workshop” — with SCARCELY ANYTHING ELSE of interest posted from you — will get your fatass “hidden” on my wall feed quicker than the shameless dropping of my granny panties in the presence of one starkers Clive Owen — and you’ll never even know that I feel nothing but contempt and disdain for you. It’ll just be my little secret.

However, if you truly wish to make the leap from merely annoying me to PISSING MY FATASS OFF, here’s how you do it: being consistently rude, discourteous, insulting, and aggressive towards my other Facebook friends in my comments — I am talking people that you don’t know, nor have any affection or loyalty towards — when they have done nothing to warrant such treatment from you. This unacceptable, inexcusable behavior will initially get you a couple of friendly warnings from me about the rules in my clubhouse. If you continue, you will be unfriended YESTERDAY. No discussion, no explanation, no nothing. After that, no matter how much you may beg, plead, or attempt to explain yourself and your bad form and poor manners, you will simply cease to exist for me. The way I look at it is, YOU GOT WHAT YOU APPARENTLY WANTED AND WORKED SO FUCKING HARD TO GET. You earned it. Congratulations…and goodbye.

Discourse, passion, joviality, debate? ALL GOOD, and I encourage it wholeheartedly — just don’t cross the fucking line. You wanna swagger, strut, spar, and show everyone how big your comedy dick is? YOU DO IT WITH ME, bitches, not my komrades.

In other words, I am the nicest, warmest, most welcoming person in the world…but do NOT fuck with my friends — friends who, for the most part, have the vicious, biting wit and devastating verbal acumen to destroy you in two sentences or less all on their own…but that’s beside the point. Just do me a fat fucking favor and don’t come over to my Tupperware party, squat, and take a big, steaming dump in the middle of my shag rug all because mommy didn’t hug you enough and daddy hugged you TOO MUCH. Do that at your own place, motherfucker…lest I be forced to UNLEASH THE KRAKEN.

Ultimately, if I learned one thing growing up in a family of scoundrels, criminals, shitkickers, and thieves, it is this: Discord is a bitch — and it isn’t even any fun…and let’s face it, that’s all I really care about on Facebook: Having fun. If you disagree, then I’m sorry…but, FUCK OFF, LADY.

So, you see, it really is SO simple, kids. JUST PLAY NICE over there and Mama will be happy — and when Mama’s happy, EVERYBODY’S happy…and we’ll all be the best of friends. Second star to the right and straight on ’til morning!

That is all.