happy balentime’s day to my one true love

My One True Love in a $7 cowboy hat and a plain white T. Be still my wicked heart!:


Hey, kids, it’s Valentine’s Day and you know what that means! No, not that you shall once again receive the usual matted, white, lice-infested, fun-fur teddy bear with “True Love” inscribed across his red satin stomach with a plastic rose-scented rose clutched in his paw purchased at Ralph’s, bitches! No, it’s time once again for “The Significant Other Meme”! I totally loved doing this one — because it’s all about a subject on which I just love to wax poetic, ad nauseum: Gregory!

1. They are watching TV. What are they watching?

Oh, god…Gregory has such a preternatural talent for this. Every time that darling bastard turns on the television — no matter what day it is/no matter what time it is — it is a mathematical certainty that one of the following shows will be on. It’s spooky because it’s almost as though he conjures them out of pure desire: Iron Chef, Top Gear, Southpark, or The Rockford Files. But his most beloved shows of all time are Extras, Space Ghost Coast to Coast, and Get a Life. In fact, he bought the complete Space Ghost boxed set about 7 or 8 years ago — and has yet to watch them all. Why? Because he knows that once he gets through every episode, THEY AIN’T NO MO, MOTHERFUCKER — and the thought of that just breaks his little heart. I like to imagine that he is sort of practicing the boxed set version of Tantric Sex: KEEP FUCKING, but NEVER COME.

2. You’re out to eat. What kind of dressing do they get on their salad?

He will either get bleu cheese or a wet and dry dressing, i.e., balsamic vinaigrette and olive oil with bleu cheese crumbles on top.

3. What’s one food this person doesn’t like? What’s one food this person could not live without?

Loathes: The humble and hideous lychee nut (they smell like LOAD.)

Loves: Cheese. All kinds. The stinkier, the better. Ah, The Feet of the Angels! We followed our noses throughout Europe, stopping at every odiferous cafe, cave, market, and fromagerie we could find. He occasionally threatens to quit his job and become a full-time cheese monger.

4. You go out to the bar. He/she orders…

A Heineken at a bar, a Guinness black and tan at a pub, a Sapporo when out for sushi. Apparently, he’s a very thematically appropriate drinker.

5. Where did he/she go to high school?

Lexington High School in Lexington, Massachusetts.

6. What size shoe do they wear?

10 or 10 ½.

7. If this person were to collect anything, it would be…

Hands down: Art. Modern, such as Picasso, Klee, Miro, Pollock…or, conversely, work from The Dutch Golden Age. Just as he has a brilliant ear for music, he also has a brilliant eye for art. His taste in all things aesthetic is absolutely impeccable.

8. What is their favorite type of sandwich?

Turkey and avocado on some delicious, interesting, exotic bread — with spicy mustard.

9. This person could eat ______ everyday.

HA! I bet you thought I was going to say PUSSY. But no, Not So Gentle Reader, I would never give an answer as utterly predictable as PUSSY — but I will answer the next best thing: Sushi! In fact, we have actually made a pledge to each other –- to someday be successful enough to afford to eat sushi everyday. Just talking about sashimi makes our hearts race and our pulses quicken. That’s some incentive to succeed, I gotta tell you. Breath Like Prom Night for the rest of your natural life. Bring it.

10. Favorite cereal?

Shredded Wheat or Raisin Bran (they help him make a ca-ca.)

11. This person wouldn’t be caught dead wearing?

Ha! We actually joke about this all the time. Sandals, a Hawaiian shirt, and what he and I hatefully call a “Zydeco” hat –- such a fucking Boomer uniform. Fuck the Boomers! Never!

Some anonymous Boomer in a slick, expensive Zydeco hat — thinking he looks ICE COLD, no doubt:


12. Favorite sports team?

The Boston Red Sox. And yes, our son the sports writer-to-be is a to-the-death Yankees fan. And yes, I realize that this means war.

13. Who did he/she vote for?


14. What is their sign?

Cancer…and all that that implies.

15. What is something you do that he/she wishes you didn’t?

And speaking of applied astrology, I suppose I am not always as vigilant about taking care of my health as Cancer would like me to be, i.e., I am not always as thorough as I could be about making sure I take the necessary pain and preventative medications when it becomes unbearable. I like to pretend that I have perfect health, you see. It’s more fun that way.

16. How many states has this person lived in?

Five: Massachusetts, Minnesota, Washington, California, and Vermont.

17. What is his/her heritage?

Russian Jew…with a little Romanian thrown in just for good vampiric measure. Man, I do love me some cute Jew boy.

18. You bake them a cake for their birthday. What kind do you bake?

Chocolate with chocolate frosting and chocolate sprinkles and chocolate filling and chocolate lube oozing from my cooter as I serve it up in a chocolate licorice t-back thong. This is a motherfucker who likes chocolate.

19. Did he/she play sports in high school?

This question actually made me belly snort out loud. If guzzling hooch pilfered from one’s parents’ liquor cabinet, endlessly listening to Bob Dylan records, and staggering through the woods of suburban Boston yelling into mailboxes with drunken buddies qualifies as a sport, then the answer is a resounding yes. He lettered, even.

20. This person could spend hours…

Watching “Lawrence of Arabia”, reading about “Lawrence of Arabia”, and talking about “Lawrence of Arabia” –- and has. And this is just reason #672 of why I absolutely adore him!

21. He/She wants a new…

season of Space Ghost Coast to Coast — though, of course, that’ll never happen. That wry, absurd, brilliant ship has sailed.

22. The CD I would probably find in their vehicle is…

Anything by Frank Black, Elvis Costello, Radiohead, Stereolab, Queens of the Stone Age, Eagles of Death Metal, The Breeders, Women, Lava Children, and Bass Drum of Death.

23. What can you do that will guarantee a laugh from him/her?

Wear a big, fuzzy mouse suit whilst smoking a cig with a bored, jaded look on my face. Lays him out every time.

24. Does he/she get along well with their family?

Well, they’re still alive, aren’t they? Define your terms.

25. If money wasn’t an option, I would buy him/her…

A life of non-stop travel, discovery, and adventure; a life lived out of a suitcase. A life of unlimited rail-passes and unlimited dreams.

About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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