rub one out and rub one in

That for which I LIVE:

My Baby, My Babies, My Furry Babies, My Friends, My Books, My Movies, My Yarn, My Brooches, My Insatiable Wanderlust…oh, and LOTIONS, POTIONS, TINCTURES, and UNGUENTS.

Allow me to explain myself: You see, other than my single tube of FINE, RED LIPSTICK, I don’t do makeup — unless, of course, I am being PAID to do so. If that’s the case, then lemme tell you…I WILL WEAR SOME MAKE-UP LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. Pull out the hatchet and the trowel and let’s fucking GET TO IT!

Other than that, I find make-up extraordinarily messy, orthogonal, unpleasant, and suffocating. It doesn’t give me confidence, as some women claim it does for them. It feels like a clotted wall between me and the rest of the world — like a filter that is cock-blocking me from making contact with others and communicating my truest self. It is distracting to me and thwarts me as I go about my daily bidness of kickin’ ass and takin’ names. How can I be expected to clobber in this lifetime when I am worried about my mascara running, my eyeshadow creasing, or my foundation being two shades off and makin’ me look like a Fresno chola who just barely got here?

Make-up is PURE RUBBISH and it gets in the way of my fun and my pleasure, and if you know me, you certainly know that MAMA DON’T PLAY THAT SHIT. And yes, I am well aware that this is just another example of my profound failure as a girl. Yeah, I FAIL. But ask me if I give a shit and I will give you my most heartfelt answer:

That’s right.

With that said, I do, however, LOVE ME SOME SKIN CREMES. SOME BODY BUTTERS. SOME SILKY, LUXURIOUS MOISTURIZERS. And because I am such a lover of all things creamy, luscious, and yummy, I am always on the lookout for EVERMORE EPIDERMILOGICAL DELIGHTS. In fact, one of my earliest, most comforting childhood memories is the cherry/almond scent of ol’ school Jergens Lotion. There used to be a tall, white bottle of it sitting on my mother’s dresser, and I would toddle over, open a drawer, climb up, and pump one dollop of it into my little hand. When I smell that smell now, I am instantly transported back, back, back…to an elegant, more interesting time — when even the bottle of hand lotion you bought at the corner drugstore held wonder, allure, beauty, and yes, glamour.

So, tell me what you love to slather! Tell me what makes your largest organ smell like heaven! Tell me what smooths over all your rough spots! Tell me what makes you succulent!

I am SO excited to hear all about your lotion loveys. Turn the cap, squeeze the tube, blop it on, and WORK ME.

About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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12 Responses to rub one out and rub one in

  1. raymondj says:

    I love Mountain Ocean Coconut Skin Trip for my face, it’s light and absorbs quickly, but not too heavy like some coconut-smelling lotions. I once used this lotion all over my body post-shower and it was a bit too intense, people smelled me walk in the building even though they were 15 feet away!

    I use Zum Rub (frankincense and myrrh) for dry elbows and knees, though last week I had a cold and I used it to help with nostril chapping from nonstop nose-blowing and it was AWESOME.

  2. Fasterpussycat says:

    CeraVe Moisturizing Lotion is not very sexy in terms of packaging but makes your skin SO SOFT.

    Mary Kay Satin Lips lip balm is great for lips but even better for nipples! Rub them on nips to make them super soft.

    Perfumeria Gal is both a fantastic product and housed in a lovely tin. Made in Spain.

    • muffybolding says:

      HA! i already have the perfumeria lip unguent in my stash, even as i type this — but in VIOLET! LOVE IT SO MUCH, it hurts. and i shall definitely give the lotion you suggest a try: CeraVe! thanks, darling. xoxo

      ps) your NIP TIP was awesome.

  3. I love body butters by Wild Woozle.

  4. Sarah CD says:

    Do you know Lush? I’m a fan of their Dream Cream for the bod. For my face, Gorgeous is actually almost worth what they charge for it, Celestial is a cheaper stand-in.

  5. Your gay best friend says:

    I SO VERY MUCH remember this same Jergen’s bottle in my sister’s room. And the smell.
    But my favorite olfactory time machine is COPPERTONE! I wear it in summer as a body cologne.
    SEA and SKI had the same effect but it is no longer made.

  6. George Lyons says:

    Gawd, you make me laugh, Muffy.
    And I know “funny.” You’re freeken hilarious.
    Standup would be a cakewalk for you.
    Just talk. If you talk, they’ll come.
    Oh, they’ll come, yes, they will come.

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