don’t forget to check the expiration date on those eggs, sister

Congratulations to Miss Mary Stuart Masterson on the news that she is expecting twins. Just think of it — a completely unexpected pregnancy and twins at age 44! Well, surely the propensity for multiples must run in her family — just like they do, according to each respective mama, in the family of Julia Roberts.

And Mariah Carey.

And Marcia Cross.

And Angelina Jolie.

And Celine Dion.

And Anna Paquin.

And Sarah Jessica Parker.

And Rebecca Romijn.

And Jennifer Lopez.

And Julie Bowen.

And Lisa Marie Presley.

And Diana Krall.

And Angela Bassett.

And Geena Davis.

And Marcia Gay Harden.

And Nancy Grace.

Oh, and of course, Charlie Sheen.

Surprising, miraculous, against-all-odds, late-in-life, naturally occurring multiple births everywhere, and not a drop to drink! YEAH FUCKING RIGHT.

And I just LOVE IT when they giddily announce the pregnancy to the press and then always have the shameless, self-deluded audacity to add, “Yes, and twins run in my family!” Umm…seriously? GO FUCK YOURSELF, honey. Yeah, it couldn’t possibly be because you want to pop out a coupla pups with the husband from whom you will undoubtedly be divorced in 18 months, but also don’t really want to sully your nuts, ruin your body, and take yourself off the movie market for more than one human gestation period by actually going through the requisite number of pregnancies required, now would it?

I’d be willing to bet that in this bidness, in this city, that NOT A SINGLE ONE OF THESE multiples is naturally occurring. I don’t know how it is in other parts of the country, but here in L.A., twins are a WILDLY THRIVING cottage market — stores, boutiques, shops, membership discounts, clubs, publications, and on and on and on cater to them. The bottom line is that women here are obsessed with their looks, their weight, their fuckability, their castability, and their film and television availability — ABOVE ALL ELSE. Yes, of course, they want a brood of babies — because babies are, after all, the ULTIMATE FASHION ACCESSORY — but they want to actually go through the required pregnancy as few times as possible, hence the loading of the eggs.

Now, keep in mind, I’m not saying there’s a GOTTDAMNED thing wrong with this twinsy trend — but if you’re not going to be truthful and honestly reveal how and why it came to pass (and you are certainly not obligated to do so), AT LEAST KEEP THAT BOTOXED HOLE IN YOUR FACE FROM SPEWING FORTH THE HORSESHIT LIE THAT IT’S BECAUSE THEY “RUN IN YOUR FAMILY”, is all I’m sayin’. Everyone knows you’re full of shit. So, just climb up on the table, put your feet in the stirrups, scooch your ass all the way down to the end, let your knees fall to the sides, meditate on the cheerful, colorful photograph of the little kitten gamboling through a field of wildflowers that is taped to the ceiling above your head…AND SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Perhaps I am just in a bitter, extra-pissy mood today to hear that yet another broad my age is HAVING BABIES — when I am mere hours from losing all my gottdamned lady-bits to the skilled hand of a gynecological oncologist. Verily against my will, may I remind you.

Yes, I may be acting like a vicious, hateful cunt today — but at least I’m being honest with people about the shortcomings of my undercarriage. Because you know what, ladies? When you lie about your vagina — YOU MURDER SOME PART OF THE WORLD.

Best wishes on your new additions, bitches!

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About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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3 Responses to don’t forget to check the expiration date on those eggs, sister

  1. milkstained says:

    I never knew that coming by my twins honestly was something I could lord over Hollywood starlets! Sweet!

  2. Leonore Wilson says:

    Yeah, I had twins back in 1980. Then while diligently nursing the little pups I got pregnant again. Three babies in cloth diapers while having a summer of drought and living in a one room trailer, ….I’m still recovering! I raised pigs in a barn as well. What a sty: me, my sucklings and the oinkers!

    HOW I adore your website, dear Muffy gal. As far as your lady bits, do write to Jessica Barksdale Inclan. She had the procedure recently. A friend of mine. Read her blog.

    Continued love from Napa land, world-renown town of wealth and wine but dirt poor in promoting or even recognizing the literary arts!

  3. mmarsella14 says:

    You freakin’ made me howl – pissed my pants – me and my wetness thank you. xox

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