i speaks like i likes

You know what? Strunk and White and all the other annoying, self-appointed Language Police out there can kiss my big, fat, unanointed, undegreed, uncredentialed writerly ass.

Language is a living thing. It changes and ebbs and flows and dips and swivels and marvels and moves and morphs and no matter how much whining and petty sniping and griping you may do in an attempt to cage it one place, there is NO FUCKING STOPPING IT, my friends. That’s the way it’s always been, and further, the way it always should be. From the very second grunt of Australopithecus, humans have made language their bitch. It exists to serve us, not the other way around.

You see, no matter how much you may try to cram “The Elements of Style” up my scandalous icehole, I’ll continue to use language exactly, precisely, LITERALLY how I goddamned well please. You know why? ‘CAUSE IT’S MINE, BITCHES. I would never presume to tell an artist that he can’t use a particular off-color color for his endless sky, or a guitarist a certain thundering chord in her latest song about the heartless boy who broke her heart — so why on earth would some soulless, passionless, meathook motherfucker think he can tell me or any other writer how to wield the tools, techniques, and materials WE use?

So, if you got a problem with what I write or how I write it…I beg of you — I BEG OF YOU — PLEASE unfriend me now and then hurry scurry back to your pointless, pathetic, uninteresting little life of CONTRIBUTING NOTHING OF VALUE TO THE UNIVERSE.

FUCK OFF, lady!

With tender kisses upon your triflin’ buttcheeks,
Muffy
xoxo

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About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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4 Responses to i speaks like i likes

  1. oliarights says:

    Beautifully said, written and photographed. You are a part of the revolution you speak of. Right on, Sister! They are just jealous that their tongue is stuck so tight in their throats they they forgot it is supposed to be a thread connecting our souls. You keep loosening yours for everyone’s sake.

  2. You are a national treasure.

  3. Jill S. says:

    Love you, Miss Muffy!

  4. Raezilla says:

    I needed to read this. P.S. I like your colorful way of writing. I need to get my spark back.

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