As I wander and sashay my fatass amongst one of the greatest art collections in the world, this is what an old hooker thinks about:
I just this second invented an iPhone app for Women of a Certain Age. Once purchased and installed, it shall measure the best camera angle at which an iPhone photo is most advantageously shot. For example, for every year past the age of 40 and for every pound over the suggested weight charts released by the nation’s largest health insurance companies, the camera moves up one degree. When it hits the optimum angle at which to eradicate Chin Whiskers, Florida Evans Neck, and Gargantuan Gunt, the app will beep and alert the photographer to kick that shutter in the gottdamned taco ASAP.
For the record, until such time that my new app is completed — and trust me when I tell you, this WILL happen — when I, myself, am being photographed, I ruthlessly insist that the shooter scramble up onto the motherfucking chandelier directly above my head and capture me from there. To wit…here Gregory photographs me whilst hanging precariously, ala KING LOUIE, from a rough-hewn rafter high in the cathedral-like ceiling of The Getty Center Museum.
I got no shame.
Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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I know it’s for women but I want one, too!
HA! ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY, Herr Crawford!
Send a carrier pigeon as soon as you’re a within a chin whisker of finishing that app!
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