Just finished watching The AMAZING 64th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards with Gregory and the chihuahuas and there are a few things on which I would now like to report:
1) So, call me a cunt who holds a grudge…but no matter how much “My So Called Life” changed your own back in the day, no matter how AMAZING everybody tells me her show, “Homeland”, is and no matter how many Emmys she may win…Claire Danes is STILL A RUTHLESS PUTA WHO DONE TOOK ANOTHER WOMAN’S MAN WHILST THAT WOMAN WAS SEVEN MONTHS PREGNANT — and for me, a working class girl from Fresno, California, that shit is NON-NEGOTIABLE and UNFORGIVABLE. So…first of all, FUCK THE GUY (Billy Crudup) for being weak, despicable, and without honor…and FUCK CLAIRE DANES, who is herself now pregnant with her first child. I hope her husband gets a hand-release from Mary Louise Parker in the bathroom at The Nokia Theatre tonight — and if ol’ Mary Louise won’t give him one…I WILL. I am wearing a 10 year old Target schmata and have not yet warshed my vagina today — but I could baby wipe that shit and be down there in like ten minutes. Just let a bitch know.
2) I can’t believe Richard Dawson died. AGAIN. That guy’s died like three times.
3) I can’t decide which was my favorite belly laugh of the night — Tracy Morgan’s, “Here, hold my nunchucks.” or Jimmy Kimmel’s AMAZING, “Yes, my dad looks exactly like Wolf Blitzer.”
4) Every time I saw one of the AMAZING women who write, create, direct, produce, or act in what is, without question, one of the most brilliant television seasons of the modern age, I just kept saying out loud to no one in particular, “GET IT, GIRL.” It felt like a benediction.
5) The AMAZING Jessica Lange is the best thing that has ever happened to any of us. EVER.
6) The AMAZING Louis CK will save us all.
5) Every time some motherfucker used the word, “AMAZING” — and, trust me, EVERY SINGLE MOTHERFUCKER WHO OPENED THEIR MOUTH TONIGHT DID — Gregory and I chugged Jager. I’m hammered. Oh, and I didn’t warsh my vagina today. WHATEVER.
I miss Phyllis Diller.