Just finished watching The AMAZING 64th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards with Gregory and the chihuahuas and there are a few things on which I would now like to report:

1) So, call me a cunt who holds a grudge…but no matter how much “My So Called Life” changed your own back in the day, no matter how AMAZING everybody tells me her show, “Homeland”, is and no matter how many Emmys she may win…Claire Danes is STILL A RUTHLESS PUTA WHO DONE TOOK ANOTHER WOMAN’S MAN WHILST THAT WOMAN WAS SEVEN MONTHS PREGNANT — and for me, a working class girl from Fresno, California, that shit is NON-NEGOTIABLE and UNFORGIVABLE. So…first of all, FUCK THE GUY (Billy Crudup) for being weak, despicable, and without honor…and FUCK CLAIRE DANES, who is herself now pregnant with her first child. I hope her husband gets a hand-release from Mary Louise Parker in the bathroom at The Nokia Theatre tonight — and if ol’ Mary Louise won’t give him one…I WILL. I am wearing a 10 year old Target schmata and have not yet warshed my vagina today — but I could baby wipe that shit and be down there in like ten minutes. Just let a bitch know.

2) I can’t believe Richard Dawson died. AGAIN. That guy’s died like three times.

3) I can’t decide which was my favorite belly laugh of the night — Tracy Morgan’s, “Here, hold my nunchucks.” or Jimmy Kimmel’s AMAZING, “Yes, my dad looks exactly like Wolf Blitzer.”

4) Every time I saw one of the AMAZING women who write, create, direct, produce, or act in what is, without question, one of the most brilliant television seasons of the modern age, I just kept saying out loud to no one in particular, “GET IT, GIRL.” It felt like a benediction.

5) The AMAZING Jessica Lange is the best thing that has ever happened to any of us. EVER.

6) The AMAZING Louis CK will save us all.

5) Every time some motherfucker used the word, “AMAZING” — and, trust me, EVERY SINGLE MOTHERFUCKER WHO OPENED THEIR MOUTH TONIGHT DID — Gregory and I chugged Jager. I’m hammered. Oh, and I didn’t warsh my vagina today. WHATEVER.

I miss Phyllis Diller.

About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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4 Responses to amazing

  1. Melissa says:

    i am very amused!!! Love this! This is a great post!!!

  2. Scott Crawford says:

    I am SHOCKED Ms Muffy, just shocked about your behavior with Mr Crudup! But if you don’t do the deed, I will. LOL

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