la vega

So, yesterday, my GENIUS writing partner, Doug Prochilo, and I, had lunch at one of our favorite grub haunts, Casa Vega. Afterward, we both grabbed a hard-chocolate after-lunch mint out of the bowl on the hostess desk and wandered out into the bright sunlight.

Doug, who was driving, got into the car and started her up…but, alas, the MISERABLE CUNT who had parked next to us pretty much parked crosswise and like three inches away from my door — and, trust me, I am FAR too large and in charge to thread my fatass through the eye of THAT needle. So, while Doug was attempting to back out of our space to give me room to climb in, an older, white-haired, moneyed-looking, impeccably-Brooks Brothers-bedecked, attorney-type gentleman who had just gotten out of a sleek black Mercedes, stopped to commiserate with my situation. He shook his handsome, distinguished head and said:

“Gosh, don’t you hate when people do that? For the longest time, I have wanted to get some pre-printed cards made up that say, ‘Hey, why don’t you learn how to park, buddy?’, so I can leave one on their windshield. What do you think about that?”

To which I smiled sweetly and responded:

“Oh, TOTALLY. I was actually just considering hiking up my skirt, scrambling up onto the car, and taking a HUGE DUMP on the hood…you know, as a social statement. What do you think about THAT?”

This poor guy got the most horrified look on his face, and hurriedly turned to walk away, raising his hands in the air in disgust. I opened my arms like a yenta and yelled across the parking lot after him, “What…TOO MUCH?”



About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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2 Responses to la vega

  1. Lynette Flynn says:

    that is funny. you have a lot of nerve girl..very cool! i think you should have done it! poo-poo..for the asshole. hah!

  2. Oh how I long to be in a parking lot with you:) Preferably near a bar.

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