survey SAYS…

If I were a month I would be: October.

If I were a day of the week I would be: Wednesday.

If I were a time of day I would be: 11:17 p.m.

If I were a planet I would be: Venus.

If I were a sea animal I would be: A Shapeshifting Octopus.

If I were a direction I would be: “Exit stage left…”

If I were a piece of furniture I would be: An ancient, sagging wooden bookcase groaning under the weight of old National Lampoon and New Yorker mags, every book ever written by Hunter S. Thompson, The Collected Poems of Ted Hughes, Sylvia Plath, Anne Sexton, and WS Merwin, “Capote” by Gerald Clarke, “The Letters of Alexander Woollcott”, and “The Portable Dorothy Parker.”

If I were a sin I would be: Sloth.

If I were a liquid I would be: Either the tears of the world…or the bathwater of Liza Minnelli.

If I were a stone, I would be: A glorious Ethiopian Opal.

If I were a bird, I would be: A pigeon jauntily strutting about in Trafalgar Square.

If I were a tool, I would be: A blackhead remover.

If I were a flower/plant, I would be: Pennyroyal — standing ever at the ready for any dame who might need me to help change the course of her destiny.

If I were a kind of weather, I would be: A grey, cold, wet, most blustery day.

If I were a musical instrument, I would be: A clarinet.

If I were an animal, I would be: A church mouse at Westminster Abbey.

If I were a color, I would be: Pomegranate.

If I were an emotion, I would be: Curiosity.

If I were a vegetable, I would be: An artichoke.

If I were a sound, I would be: The urgent, tinny clinking of a Vegas slot machine delivering the goods.

If I were a car, I would be: An old Volvo 240 station wagon, oxidized periwinkle blue.

If I were a song, I would be: “The Peanuts Theme” (“Linus and Lucy”) by Vince Guaraldi.

If I were a book, I would be written by: Fran Lebowitz or Doug Kenney.

If I were a food, I would be: A BIG ASS BOWL of homemade vegetable soup.

If I were a place, I would be: The wild and windy tower at Rennes-le-Chateau or the croquet lawn on Neshobe Island.

If I were a material, I would be: Red Corduroy.

If I were a taste, I would be: Green Apple Jolly Ranchers.

If I were a scent, I would be: The dusty back stacks at Shakespeare & Company book store in Paris or ANYWHERE on The Pirates of the Caribbean in Disneyland.

If I were a word, I would be: Duende.

If I were an object, I would be: The transparent glass panel Miss Joan Crawford was referring to in “Mommie Dearest” when she bellowed, “Tear down that BITCH of a bearing wall and put a window where it OUGHT to be!”

If I were a body part I would be: A pair of Irises…green.

If I were a facial expression I would be: A wry smile.

If I were a subject in school I would be: Iconoclasm 101.

If I were a cartoon character I would be: Eric Cartman.

If I were a breed of dog I would be: A Norwich Terrier.

If I were a shape I would be: A Mobius Strip fashioned from a Taco Bell wrapper.

If I were a number I would be: 17.

If I were a piece of jewelry I would be: A silver charm bracelet or a Schiaparelli brooch — both vintage, of course.

If I were a team my mascot would be: The Jackals.

If I were a quote, I would be: “The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.” — Roseanne Barr


About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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3 Responses to survey SAYS…

  1. Is this your own survey or from somewhere?

    • muffybolding says:

      you know, honey, i actually did this survey awhile back and don’t really recall — though i suspect that it was probably some stock livejournal meme or other that had previously existed on its own, which i then (as is my unstoppable writerly wont) gave the ol’ MUFFY HACK to make it more interesting. so, my guess is that it’s a hybrid of my own grey matter and the universal brain hive that are the intarwebs. xoxo

  2. Bubbagirl says:

    Duende! One of George Frazier’s favorite column subjects! You are the only other person I know to have used that word!

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