Recently, someone expressed absolute surprise when I told them I am the doting, devoted mother of three children. I find it rather amusing that people are frequently shocked to learn that this Trashy Old Trollop is a mommy. This stunned person then axed me what I believe to be the best advice I have ever given my children. My answer?
“My darling babies. As your loving mother, if I can offer you one piece of advice for which you will most assuredly thank me upon your passing from this world to the next, it is this:
SUNSCREEN, MUTHAFUCKAS.”
And, of course, when I offer them this sage wisdom, I LITERALLY DO CALL THEM CUTE BABIES, “MUTHAFUCKAS.”
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About muffybolding
Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
muffy bolding 