sugar babies

Jesus Fucking Christ, people. If I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times:

It’s ONE GOTTDAMNED MOTHERLOVING DAY a GOTTDAMNED MOTHERLOVING YEAR. Let your fucking kids eat ALL the GOTTDAMNED MOTHERLOVING HALLOWEEN CANDY THEY CAN STEAL, SCROUNGE, GRIFT, or SCAVENGE.

Oh, and REAL, BONAFIDE candy, too — none of that phony, nasty, bland, soulless, hippie horseshit, either. Trust me. They know a BULLSHIT SNEAKY SWITCH when they see and taste one — and they will disrespect you forever for your confectionary subterfuge.

Listen to me…they’re gettin’ their SERIOUS Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup THE FUCK ON at their friends’ houses after school anyway. And, yes, Miss Organic Homeopathic Psychopathic Pokin’ Yoplait And A Whole Clove Of Garlic All Up In Your Pussy To Cure A Yeast Infection. YES. Your kid, too, Hippie Biotech.

ESPECIALLY YOUR KID. 

This whole demented, misguided, modern push to vehemently deny our kids so many of the simple pleasures of childhood that we ourselves enjoyed is absolutely CONFOUNDING to me. What is all that about, anyway? Do you people not realize that when you hide and deny…all you end up doing is FETISHIZING? All you end up doing is CREATING OBSESSIONS? All you end up doing is making those things which you sought, for all the right reasons to discourage, COMPLETELY SHINY, ALLURING, and IRRESISTIBLE?

When my kids were little, I let those adorable motherfuckers wolf ALL the gottdamned Halloween candy they wanted. I very purposefully left VERITABLE CAULDRONS of that shit around the house YEAR ‘ROUND and at ALL TIMES. They had access to candy — and RIGHTEOUS FUCKING CANDY, TOO! — anytime they wanted it.

And you know what their attitude towards candy is now that they are in their 20s?

DGAF.

Not a one of the three gives a SINGLE FUCK. No shit…those healthy, happy, savage bastards FIST-FIGHT OVER SPINACH and QUINOA.

So, my fellow parents — I urge you…GIVE IT UP NOW…or face the inevitable in years to come:

RING-POP BUTT PLUGS and GUMMY WORM BONDAGE PORN.

That is all.

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About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and hipmama.com. She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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One Response to sugar babies

  1. chrishydestudio says:

    Frau Bolding. You are a national treasure. Glad to know you.

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