Jesus Fucking Christ, people. If I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times:

It’s ONE GOTTDAMNED MOTHERLOVING DAY a GOTTDAMNED MOTHERLOVING YEAR. Let your fucking kids eat ALL the GOTTDAMNED MOTHERLOVING HALLOWEEN CANDY THEY CAN STEAL, SCROUNGE, GRIFT, or SCAVENGE.

Oh, and REAL, BONAFIDE candy, too — none of that phony, nasty, bland, soulless, hippie horseshit, either. Trust me. They know a BULLSHIT SNEAKY SWITCH when they see and taste one — and they will disrespect you forever for your confectionary subterfuge.

Listen to me…they’re gettin’ their SERIOUS Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup THE FUCK ON at their friends’ houses after school anyway. And, yes, Miss Organic Homeopathic Psychopathic Pokin’ Yoplait And A Whole Clove Of Garlic All Up In Your Pussy To Cure A Yeast Infection. YES. Your kid, too, Hippie Biotech.

ESPECIALLY YOUR KID. 

This whole demented, misguided, modern push to vehemently deny our kids so many of the simple pleasures of childhood that we ourselves enjoyed is absolutely CONFOUNDING to me. What is all that about, anyway? Do you people not realize that when you hide and deny…all you end up doing is FETISHIZING? All you end up doing is CREATING OBSESSIONS? All you end up doing is making those things which you sought, for all the right reasons to discourage, COMPLETELY SHINY, ALLURING, and IRRESISTIBLE?

When my kids were little, I let those adorable motherfuckers wolf ALL the gottdamned Halloween candy they wanted. I very purposefully left VERITABLE CAULDRONS of that shit around the house YEAR ‘ROUND and at ALL TIMES. They had access to candy — and RIGHTEOUS FUCKING CANDY, TOO! — anytime they wanted it.

And you know what their attitude towards candy is now that they are in their 20s?

DGAF.

Not a one of the three gives a SINGLE FUCK. No shit…those healthy, happy, savage bastards FIST-FIGHT OVER SPINACH and QUINOA.

So, my fellow parents — I urge you…GIVE IT UP NOW…or face the inevitable in years to come:

RING-POP BUTT PLUGS and GUMMY WORM BONDAGE PORN.

That is all.