I can’t do ANY math beyond addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division — and can BARELY do those.

I can’t drive a stick shift.

I can’t figure out how to turn on any of our televisions, so I only watch them when Gregory or Hunter are home to roll their eyes, pat me on the head, and do it for me.

I can’t fill out complicated paperwork, which is why I never went to college. Okay, and maybe also because I never graduated from high school.

I can’t balance a checkbook.

I can’t file a tax return.

I couldn’t ride a bike until I was 11.

I couldn’t tell time until I was 13.

I can’t walk barefoot inside my own house, much less outside. EVER.

I can’t go much more than about 20 minutes without washing my hands. It’s not a germ thing; it’s a tactile thing.

I can’t play any sport. None at all.

I can’t read TS Eliot’s, “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock” without weeping.

There is SO much that I cannot do in this life. SO SO MUCH. This meager list is just the beginning.

But, FUCK ALL THAT…because here’s what I CAN do:


About muffybolding

Muffy Bolding is a mother/writer/actor/knitter/feminist/withered debutante who likes the smell of asparagus pee, and remains obsessed with the bathroom hygiene of her three children -- despite the fact that they are 23, 19, and 16. She is blissfully married to a cute Jewish boy who looks like Willie Wonka, but remains tragically in love with the dead poet, Ted Hughes. She has the mouth of a Teamster, and her patron saint is Rocco (pestilence relief.) Ms. Bolding lives in Southern California, where she enjoys typing words, making movies, and plucking the rings from the fingers of the dead. She was the co-creator and Editor-in-Chief of the award winning satire zine, Fresno Lampoon, and in between writing screenplays, carnival barking, and savagely threatening her trio of darling larvae with a wooden spoon, she currently publishes the zine, "Withered Debutante." More of her work can also be found in the anthology, "Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts", the compilation zine, "Mamaphiles III: Coming Home", as well as in The Cortland Review and She is currently writing and producing for film and television, and working on a book of essays entitled, "Inside A Chinese Dragon." She has slept around, but not nearly as much as she would have liked.
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1 Response to can’t

  1. Vida Deville says:

    I love reading your blog.

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